the hidden goldmine of help for parents of kids with substance use disorder with The Partnership to End Addiction's Denise Mariano
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @the.stream.community
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This episode is supported by The Stream. You might be listening to this podcast and wondering who else out there is dealing with the kinds of issues you are? Well, there are 1,000s of moms just like you who are struggling to help their kids, and who want to have a more positive personal and supportive place to connect with other moms who get it. The Stream is an online, pay-what-you-can membership where moms who have kids struggling with substance use focus on their own health, wellness and sanity with no judgment, and no distraction because it's not on Facebook. Being a member of The Stream gives you an even deeper connection beyond the podcast where you get to interact with amazing moms, and me, every day. So if you'd like to hang out with us after the episodes, you can learn more and join us at Brendazane.com/thestream. The first two weeks are always free, then you pay whatever you can. I would truly love to see you there.
Show Resources:
Get plugged into the parent support resources at The Partnership to End Addiction
Free Skill-Building Course for Parents Addressing Teen Substance Use
Treatment Roadmap step by step guide to finding the right help for your son or daughter
Interested in volunteering as a parent coach? Learn more here
Show Transcript:
Speaker: Brenda Zane
Brenda 03:00
Welcome back, friends. Today I have a very special guest who is going to share her family's story and we'll also talk about the incredible free resources that come from the Partnership to End addiction. Denise Mariano is the director of family support and advocacy at the Partnership to End Addiction. And her work and advocacy efforts spread far and wide, much too far and wide for me to include here in an intro. However, her focus remains on advocating for and supporting families. Motivated by the belief that families can be part of the solution. She has dedicated her personal and professional life to helping families impacted by substance use disorder. Denise has been a strong voice for families at the national and state level since 2011. She was selected by and honored at the White House as an advocate for action where she was recognized as one of the leaders across the country who is actually making a difference in this battle that we're facing.
And I'm going to take just a quick minute to tell you about the parent coaching program that Denise heads up because we got to talking about so many things that we never actually dove into what it is. This is just what happens folks when you get to fiercely passionate mamas on the phone together. So the parent coaching program is what I believe to be the best-kept secret in the world of substance use treatment. And if you are in this world and have been looking at resources looking for treatment for a son or daughter, you already know that the cost is just astronomical. So the amazing thing about all of the resources from The Partnership is that they are completely free.
And parents who have kids who are struggling with substance use and this is whether I'm talking you just found a little bit of weed in your 15-year-old daughter's backpack, and you have no idea what to do or you've got a 36-year-old child who's been in active addiction for many years, you can call the hotline and be paired up with a fully trained parent coach, who's been in your shoes. And we'll walk the journey with you. And they're there to help you learn some skills, learn how to navigate life, just listen and add what I like to sort of call some scaffolding around you when you're going through this really confusing and scary time. If you want to get connected with that service, or if you just want to learn more, get some of the content, you can go to drugfree.org. And I will also put links in the show notes to some very specific links that go out to these resources, so you can grab them there. Okay, so now here is my lovely and passionate conversation with Denise Mariano, from the Partnership to End Addiction.
Brenda 06:06
Welcome Denise to Hopestream, I finally got you on the podcast, it took a while because you are one busy woman. So thank you so much for joining me today.
Denise 06:18
I am so grateful to be here. And I think I've mentioned to you in the past and even a couple minutes ago, I don't know what it took us so long to cross paths, but so grateful. I think were cut from the same cloth and really have the same mission and goal in mind. So I'm so grateful to be here and honored. So thank you, Brenda.
Brenda 06:39
Oh, thank you. No, this is great. I think you're right. It's funny how sometimes you float in the same sort of stratosphere with people. And then you land together. It's like, Whoa, you're like me! It's so awesome to find people like that. But you are really such an advocate for families. And so I think that's, I was thinking about this before we got on the call that and I know you've seen this too, and families, parents who are listening will be able to relate that this is a disease that is it runs absolutely opposite to any other life-threatening disease where, you know, if somebody gets diagnosed with cancer or whatever, there's like, here's the path, here's the medicine, here's the treatment, here are the doctors, and the person wants to participate.
And the family bands around them, and everybody's really positive. And they do a GoFundMe, and they bring casseroles and they stock the freezer. And it's just like everybody digs in. And this is the disease that is completely opposite to that most of the time, the parents have no idea who to turn to for the treatment or the medicine or the protocol. The person doesn't want to get the treat. They're fighting it even though they're dying. So it's just so confusing for people, I think to see families going through this. So I just love what you do and what The Partnership does to help those families because it's such a unique need.
Denise 08:08
Yeah, I couldn't agree more Brenda. You know, it's that what you just spoke to where with any other disease, we just have that individualized care, we have resources and support. And one of the silver linings for me, which might sound you know, strange to your listeners is that I have another son with a medical condition. He was hospitalized for the first five, six years of his life, and a journey that no parent would ever want. But it made him so much more well-rounded. But when I actually started began the addiction journey early on with my son, I think it's my I pushed back so much on this, you know, one size fits all mentality to let go and disengage and let them hit rock bottom, because, you know, we never did that with our other son. And what if we did? So even though it was a really tough, tough journey with our other son in his medical condition, it really was that silver lining for me like wow, you know, I never gave up on my other son and why am I going to give up on this son.
And it's why it was really my motivation to learn more and to see how I can be part of the solution and really try to educate other families that this is like any other medical condition, but that it's just stigmatized, and then I have to share and probably never shared with you Brenda during our journey of working alongside each other. I began doing that in social media anonymously and I just hit the pavement trying to learn everything that I could. What were the options out there? But because my story is of millions of other families, I often refer to it as the same chorus, different verse. And you know that chorus refers to the paralyzing pain and fear and hopelessness, that we feel right, and having nowhere to turn in our support system being Google. Getting there and just trying to learn everything we can and but that course also refers to why so many families begin to lose hope, right?
The lack of support and judgment and shame and the one size fits all and, and so for me, I just had to hit the pavement running. And I would share everything I learned on social media anonymously in the beginning,
Brenda 10:43
I didn't know that! We got to talk more.
Denise 10:49
Not because I was ashamed, because I was never ashamed of my son. And I get again, I think it's because having traveled that journey with our other son, but I just said, there's gotta be other people out there that are feeling the same way as me and let me just share what I can on social media on Facebook and Twitter. And then it was validated because I started having this following right under this anonymous name. And, and that's really been a big part of my journey. And that's when I began sharing. And it was not till and I'm probably not answering your question, because I'm going off on this rant. But it was when this person actually DM me on Twitter and said, enough is enough, come out of the closet. And she's a very famous person, I'm not going to mention her name, because I never want to anyone to feel that I do this for attention because I so far from that, but she empowered me encouraged me and said, You need to come out of the closet and just say you're Denise Mariano and I did that. So I knew where I started doing the work behind the scenes, but I'm sorry if I went off on a tangent there.
Brenda 12:09
No, that's such a golden nugget right there. Maybe just to rewind a little bit, tell us, you know, the cliff notes version of your personal story and how you came to be in this world because I know sometimes it feels like you're just living your life, and then you got dropped onto Mars. And now you live in Mars. But what was your journey to getting to where you are what you're doing today?
Denise 12:36
So how do you do that cliff notes...
Brenda 12:39
I know, well, we don't have seven hours because you're so busy.
Denise 12:42
But I can do that, I can think of those powerful moments. And again, as I said before, it's like same chorus, different verse, I think, though many of our families, you know, have that same chorus. But I guess my verse would be like any other parent, you know, completely blindsided, what I thought was blindsided in the beginning. And I remember our son reaching out to us, he was a freshman in college, reached out to us and said, I'm having a problem. In retrospect, if I look, you know, hindsight, I probably would have recognized those signs now that I have that knowledge base, but so grateful he reached out to us. And when I say, you know, in hindsight, it's because everything we've learned from our school and prevention and our education programs, no one's talking about that first day. Yeah. I didn't know that.
You know, one day all of my son's problems went away, that he was no longer sad about going off to college and leaving his family and his girlfriend that he was, you know, he thought he could be president. Right? And so what do we want more as being a parent than to see our loved one happy so you didn't understand that that was a big red flag right now I know. But that journey of from sadness and scared and leaving the family and going off to college and feeling life is wonderful. You know, I did not understand that was the first day of addiction because so often we talk about that last day, right? when they're in that spiral, and their hygiene and their pupils and their friends. We so need to talk about that first day because maybe, maybe recognizing those behaviors that sudden change and behaviors while positive was a big red flag and maybe a symptom of his substance use the beginning of substance use.
So we are an Italian family. Those that are telling you may be listening will understand this that we are honest, we reach out to each other and I think I bless my parents for instilling openness and being able to come talk, but he reached out to us that he was struggling. And Denise thought, okay, well, you'll come home from college, we'll get you some treatment. And this will be okay. And you get right back right? And so if you think of the touchpoints on that journey, you're like, okay, this is good. It's like my other son, you got support and help and medication and everything's gonna be okay. Little did I know, this would be a marathon, right? And it's just, if you put that hat on the beginning of this journey with a lack of knowledge. That's just kind of how you roll with it.
But then you learn. I remember him coming home, calling for treatment, paying $1,700 a month for in treatment, being denied any care for two, three years. So we were kind of in it alone, right? No treatment, no supports, no anything. And that was the time when we realized as a family, that we needed to wear many different hats. Yes, we were his mom, dad, sister and brother. But we were also his advocate. We were also his support system, his therapy. And we knew that we had to jump some hurdles together. So long story very short, it was four years of begging for help with no response whatsoever. no help. It was exhausting our college funds, retirement funds. second, third, mortgaging our houses? and Brenda that's not a complaint, right? Because our son is in recovery six years today. And do we think we would ever get there, but it's just what you do. When you want to help your loved one, I mean, so often, we think of loving someone supporting them and advocating for their healthcare is enabling. I'm so grateful that I knew early on that I was not an enabler, and I wasn't that codependent so that, again, very hard to take nine years. But to sum it up, I think we, as a family decided to learn grow and jump hurdles together. And after four years of just complete exhaustion, pain, fear that our son wouldn’t make it to the next day. And eight relapses, we never gave up hope.
Brenda 16:09
That's so great to hear. It's so I'm so glad you said that about the relapses because that is something that I think doesn't get talked about enough. I want to do an entire episode actually on relapse because it's so devastating. And it's so confusing, because it does look like a choice. But you know, when you think about cancer, and it's in remission, then does that person have a choice that it relapses? You know, so how did you get through eight relapses? I mean, that's got to, that's just got to do something to your soul.
Denise 18:17
We were on different pages for so many years, but really learned through communication, really understanding this as a disease that we we needed to be on the same page and my model positive behaviors. And I can't lie a whole lot of printing and reading for my husband, right? Because I've been with my husband, since I'm 15 years old.
Brenda 18:45
So cool.
Denise 18:46
It's so crazy. We are together since we're in high school, you know, he was the football player, I was the cheerleader and like, oh, this wonderful story. But we really had to work through this together. And so that meant that me hitting the pavement, printing out stuff as talking about stuff. Because for so long, it's like, oh, he just needs to stop. And this is ridiculous. And he just needs to get his crap together. And it was me just trying to teach him or not teach him but just open his mind to what addiction looks like. And during that time without the tools that we have the wonderful, amazing tools of The Partnership that we have today.
And I never say that as a used car salesman. I believe in the partnership, right. I really think it was our son that motivated us. And I think it's because every time you fell off that horse or hit a bump, he learned something new. And we saw growth right? Was it perfect? No. But I can remember and I might have shared this with you, Brenda, at some point as we begin our parents coaching. But I remember the day of the seventh relapse, him calling us and saying, I screwed up, I hit a bump. And I, you know, I took a pill today and I want to go to my sober house manager because he was eight months into his recovery housing. And I feel really good, but I wanted to share this with you. And my husband and I in sync said, we were very proud of you. You're so proud of you. And he's like, did you hear what I just said, right. And in the past, it's kind of like you evolve. You know, in the past, it was like that fear? Oh, my God, here we go again. Right?
And are we going to make it through this time, and not to say that that fear wasn't there, Brenda, but we were so grateful that he reached out to us and share that with us, we didn't have to find out from his sober manager at the house or through the grapevine. And so, you know, that was the first time like, we caught him being good, right and reaching out for help. And, and I'm so grateful for that. Because we had the chance to tell him how proud we were, which was so important, because as excited as he was to talk to his sober house manager, he's like, he's gonna understand me and this and that. He was kicked out in five minutes and ended up living on the streets of Los Angeles for the next four months. And how shameful is that, right? You are at a place where you think you're being supported and treated, for the very reason why you came in, right, only to be kicked out five minutes later. And very different and so difficult. And I can share with you that I didn't sleep for those four to six months. But where we were proud for him again, and I hope like, you know, anyone listening is that he reached out every day, three times a day, to make sure we were okay. And some would call that enabling, because I would say I'm okay, if you're okay, and you're checking in. But he's our hero for many different reasons. And that was one of them.
Brenda 22:25
that's incredible. For him to be able to do that. And then for you, because I think at that point, that's one of those. I don't know, I don't know what the word is. But it's one of those moments where as a parent, it would be so tempting to say, Oh, they kicked you out, that's terrible, you did this great thing come live with us. Right? That would be what 99.9% of parents would want to do. And so I am just amazed at how you didn't do that.
Denise 22:57
You know, it is, you know, that's your first gut instinct. But for us, it was about our family. So much more, we were starting to learn about this broken system. And it knew that we were not going to fix this broken system overnight. So we had to help support our son. And, and it's actually to Brenda, I can share this with you. And I know I'm going off. It's just because I'm so passionate about this. It's when I set my first soft boundary to I can remember him, you know, on the streets calling in every day to see if we were okay and so grateful that he would call in. But of course, he asked, you know, I'm hungry, can I have money, and I haven't had a bed and so, so hard, right? As a parent, like, what do we do here? What do we do here and that was the first soft boundary I put in place. And I said, we're not going to send you money. But if you're hungry, we'll send you money for a pizza, or a sub as we would call it on the east coast. You know, if you need a bed and some warmth for the night, and it's actually Michael was in California back then and we're here on the east coast. And it's actually how we found our son because we delivered so many pizzas that and they were always to that same geographic area and it's not that he didn't want to share where he was.
Right, and this was a light bulb moment. He was just so ashamed and disappointed in himself and I remember finding him after those many pizzas and saying you know, dad just wants to come out and give you a hug, not mom, right. And not that I didn't want to but I knew like I I caused him some added stress. And I want to follow up with that. But I just said, you know dad wants to come out and just get a hotel room. You can have as many pizzas as you want and we just want to hug you. And he went to treatment. And that was the last time he went to treatment. And he didn't go to treatment Brenda, because he thought it would help him. Because now we're on our ninth stint. Because he wanted to give us some peace and put our heads on the pillow. He actually felt like he could run the treatment program. And because he had learned so much, but he did that for us. And it was just like a new beginning. Really, for all of us.
I don't know how to explain that. It was just like, so many people ask what was that moment where your son had some clarity. And I don't know if it was clarity, Brenda was dad was coming to see him and mom was in. And, and again, I'm rambling, but I want to share this for everyone listening. It was because and I have shared this with you have a moment my son and I had where I said, you know, what is your trigger? What can I do to help you? And that's when he said, Mom, you're my trigger. You're my trigger. Because I'm so ashamed and so disappointed in myself. Every time I've known you've cried. Anytime I've known you've been up all night worrying. It just caused me so much pain. I was so ashamed. Like how could I do that to my mom, and I would jump in the car and go find when I needed to find to make me feel better for that moment.
And so that it was a moment for both of us. And that's when I think we spoke to before just learning and growing together. Right? So for me, it was just this lightbulb moment that that shame and disappointment they feel themselves right, and how can I help lift him up? but also how can I work on my own recovery on our own family recovery? How can I do better? Does that mean that I won't cry anymore? Absolutely not. I cried all day. But I knew that maybe I needed to take that outside and maybe not expose him to that or even put Visene in my eyes, for that matter Brenda, but my job was to make him feel that he was we are not ashamed of him, we're never disappointed in him. And that was the beginning of why we always loved him, it was the beginning of us lifting him up and letting him know and throwing those nuggets of love out there to him makes any sense.
Brenda 27:43
100% It does. And you know, it's great that you said that because my son was the same way I was one of his biggest triggers. But I didn't know that until after he was in recovery. He didn't tell me that exactly, you know, and he said, not every time I would see you so skinny and crying and I know you slept, I would just go find another Xanax because then it all went away. I didn't want to feel how bad I felt when I saw you like that. And so I think that is really, really important for parents to know
Denise 28:15
So important and for society to get these are very loving human beings with a medical problem, with a medical disease. And we can't forget that like how powerful is that for us to go through that as mothers but how proud are we like to know, a they can share that with us and be that we can experience part of that family recovery? Because so often they're further along in the recovery than we are. Yeah, I mean, I think of, you know, six years. And they're still like these moments, whether it's a ringtone or wow, he's really happy today something wrong instead of thinking maybe he's just happy today or, or maybe they're in the bathroom. I hate to say this, but for the parents listening out there a little too long. Well, maybe he's just going to the bathroom, though. You can if you want but it's just these, these moments after traveling that journey for so long, where I have to step back, hit the pause button, take a breath and be proud of where he is today. And if I'm struggling, just to talk to him and label my feelings and almost apologize, right? Like, I'm feeling very anxious today and here's why. And we've learned to communicate that way and help each other.
Brenda 29:49
That's so healthy. Yeah, I was at a store the other day and a guy walked by and he had on the cologne that my son wore in his in those years and you know, the smell like, the power of sense, I almost started crying
Denise 30:04
I completely understand Brenda, and if you're not on this journey, you can't, but your heart stops
Brenda 30:11
your heart absolutely stops.
Denise 30:13
Yeah, and its not a complaint, it just really speaks to this journey and speaks to the family journey, right? We're so supportive, but we really have to work on ourselves. Right? And, and not project, right. That's why that pause button is so important. And I say to myself, Denise, relax, and guess what Brenda, I think it's also to our strengths that we know, this disease and that it does push ups inside of them. And while it's not healthy for us to project, it's good for us to just stay in it for the day. And know, just like cancer, and so many people I used to hate to compare it to cancer, but my brother is struggling with lung cancer right now. And I, and I get it and I understand it. And I will use Alzheimer's as a comparison, because I went through with my mom. And I had to advocate for healthcare and advocate for her voice and very similar, right, and I'm never judged for that. But it's tough, it's really tough.
And it just means that, you know, this, again, is a marathon, there's so many touchpoints on this journey, there's no silver bullet. But what I want to say and then I'm gonna stop talking is that there's lots of silver linings here, I'm a better person, I understand people a lot more I have more compassion and empathy. And I often refer to this journey or the silver linings to this journey as the people I've met, including you. The stories that change us in the friendships that last a lifetime, and those friendships come from just the peer support that we have with one another.
Brenda 32:13
it's so true. It really is. It's a curse that comes with a blessing. If you look for it, and if you cultivate it, I think it can also, I have seen it really destroy people who, you know, it's it's understandable why that would happen. But oh, gosh, I need like four hours with you but I don't have that so I'm gonna ask you, as somebody who has coached 1000s by now parents over what, seven years that you've been working with families, and I know you you don't necessarily coach, as many parents right now, I think you probably get like the SOS cases like the really bad cases. But what are some sort of big picture themes that you have seen over the years with parents when you get on the phone with a mom or dad or both of them is are there things that you see consistently that you think are important to let people know about?
Denise 33:17
There absolutely is, what I'd like to share is before the coaching starts, and in that I'm so blessed as part of an organization that cares so much about families. I don't say that again, to, you know, as a used car salesman to this organization, but really use the voice of families for everything that we do, whether it's content or advocacy. The voice and the motivation for everything we do are the families. But I think so much of the powerful part of our parent coaching program happens before the training even begins. And that doesn't take away from our training. But it's just the like I said, I'm blessed to talk to every coach before we start the training program. So the most powerful moments for me, Brenda, and maybe they're selfish or to talk to the many coaches before many, many of our coaches have lost their children and sometimes two and three of their children.
Many of our coaches are have children still struggling and then God bless we have some in recovery. And so many of them in talking to them, which reminds me the journey that I was on at the same time, feel they're not worthy of fearing being a parent coach. And I get that I never thought I was worthy, right? I mean, if I was worthy enough, why would it take me you know, five years, me, right, our family to get our son in recovery. So I just I'll ask you to repeat that question again. But this is so important to me, because it's the families that lost that fill my gas tank every day to keep on hitting the pavement for change. It's the families that have lost that really drive this program too, right, because they feel they're not worthy enough, how can I be a parent coach or a peer coach, if I lost my child?
And they are our most powerful coaches at all. And the beautiful thing in our parent coaching, and again, I'm sorry if I went off track, but this is so important to me, is something we never set out as part of our agenda for parent coaching, or you know where we wanted to be. But what we're hearing back from every one of those families that have losses that they found this whole experience healing, right, because society has shamed them, judge them blame them. What if society and those, you know, empower the SAMHSA's, the NIDA's, and everyone else said, here's some options. Here's some options other than yeah, you know, al-anon, and I appreciate al-anon, it's a safe place to go get some self-care, but we were not part of the solution. So we need like a solution-based model. But those are the most powerful moments. And I again, I'm sorry, if I went off track, but I think so much of them, and what we inadvertently not planned to give them that healing space to say, you know, what, I did the best with what I had. And I don't feel ashamed anymore. And so I can't ever understand the loss of a loved one, nor will I ever tried to. But again, they fill my gas tank every day to keep on doing what I'm doing. And I'm sorry, I went off track, but I feel so powerful about this.
Brenda 37:05
No, I agree. And I think it's interesting, because I was talking to somebody about the coaching program, and, and I said, you know, there's parents who have lost children and still have kids in addiction and people who have kids in recovery. And they said, Well, how good of a coach, can you be, if you lost your kid? Like, wouldn't that be the last person that you wanted to have as a coach, and I said, there is the exact reason why we do this. It's because there's an assumption that mom and dad can fix it. And they can't, this is not an this is not a disease that mom and dad can fix. You can help and you can be supportive, and you can inspire and motivate, but you can't fix it. So if somebody says, Well, you lost your kid, you're not going to be able to help me that is so wrong. Just wrong on so many levels.
Denise 37:57
So wrong. And where we have to chip away at those stereotypes, right? Because, again, you know, this is my opinion, take what you want, leave the rest. But as families, right? If every turn that we take doors closed. It's a broken system. We're labeled as codependent and enablers. And there's such a lack of support. Like, we do the best we can with what we have, right? And so, so many times, again, I'm so blessed to talk to the coach, you know, the coaches before training. And again, I hear again and again, like, why should I be a coach, like I'm not worthy, shame on society, it's not that you are not worthy. It's that there's not enough supports education and chipping away at that stigma, and that families can be part of the solution. So I'm so grateful that I get to share with them and share that with them. And my hope is, again, never the intent of our program. But the beauty in this organic evolvement of the program is that I hope they can walk away with, you know, I can put that shame and judgment away because it wasn't about me. And if I can help another family, it's been so healing to their journey. And that's what I hear time and time and time again. And then as you know, there's those struggling with their kids. What a beautiful thing that they can now take the tools and strategies and just that peer support and bring it to their own family and start practicing some of these you know, tools to engage and stay Engage and look their loved one up. It's really pretty wonderful to see the outcomes of that as well. So again, not intended, like, Hey, we want everybody to feel wonderful, and heal. But after seven years of watching this program grow and evolve. That's the silver lining for me personally in it, it just, it fills my heart.
Brenda 40:24
Yeah, no, that's so true. In thinking about all of the families that you have talked to, what, what do you think parent coaching brings, versus something like having a therapist or going to an Al-Anon, because I think sometimes people hear coaching, and I think they think of like life coaching and Tony Robbins, or like, you know, there's, there's, is this thing, so maybe you can help kind of clarify like, what would a coach give a family versus one of these others kind of tools in the toolbox?
Denise 40:59
So I'm a straight shooter. So I might get in trouble for this, right?
Brenda 41:04
No, you won't get in trouble, it's my podcast, that's the great thing, I can put out whatever I want,
Denise 41:08
there is nothing, nothing more powerful. Then that peer support, and being in that family shoes, and having a place where families can come and feel less judged, shamed, stigmatized. In talking to that other family, it's just, it's really special. We can talk to a therapist, and this is where I'll get in trouble. And God bless them. They have this wonderful, wonderful education. And I'm, I'm grateful to a few clinicians that I've met along the way most at Center for Motivation and Change, like the Ken Carpenters and the Nicole's and the Carries that really understand this. There's just nothing like peer support. There's just nothing like that family getting to speak to another person who has traveled their journey, although different, and being heard and feeling less shamed and judged. That is why we began this program, a couple reasons. We felt that families needed options out there that there was no one size fits all, which at the time was and still is the same advice, Brenda from our so-called experts is to let go, you know disengage, let them hit rock bottom and go to Al-anon right.
And we have to push against that one size, right? We know, through our work through evidence-based research, that families not only can be part of the solution, but they are part of the solution. And so the combination of knowing that and knowing that families calling our helpline, you know, this year, we had 15,000 plus calls to our helpline. And that's really sad, Brenda, but the silver lining of it is people are finally finding where they can turn to to get that support, education, love compassion, we are able to let them know that there's options out there today, you know, and there always has been Brenda, but it's just like, how do we get that out there? I might get in trouble for this too. But damn, if our services shouldn't be up on SAMHSA. You know, we have treatment locator we have suicide, how about families that need support? Right? It doesn't mean that we are marketing ourselves. We just want to get out there and say, families have options. Yes, there are modalities out there, you know, craft and motivational integration, intervention and just this toolbox where you could be part of your loved one's path to recovery. Shame on us.
I mean, because all we ever hear I can share with you, and again, I'm going out off on. But for those who listening, just be aware, I remember the first time I spoke to someone that truly understood me. It was the first time I put my head on the pillow. Only to learn that they were just an outreach person from a treatment center that just knew my journey. Wanted to make me feel better. And I wrote that $30,000 check right. But to know that we can get that through a parent coach through our helpline and for people that really care. They know what they're doing out there. It's very unethical. And I'm just so grateful. Again, I'm off on a tangent, but no,
Brenda 44:55
I think I think it's really important for people to know if you call The Partnership helpline they have nothing to sell you. There is absolutely not one single thing because it's a nonprofit organization. There's nothing to sell,
Denise 45:08
everything for families is free.
Brenda 45:10
Yes. And so that is super important because you're right. It's very easy when you're exhausted and cross-eyed at two in the morning, and you're calling you're on Dr. Google and you're calling Yeah, these places, you don't realize that it is their for profit. And I'm not saying that they're bad, because there are very, very good treatment programs, but you have to know who you're talking to. And so to get that neutral, I have nothing to sell you. I'm just here to support you really
Denise 45:39
It's hard. It's really hard.
Brenda 45:43
It's really hard to know. And so I think that when I think about the parent coaching program, it's having that person in your corner, who has absolutely nothing to benefit from you.
Denise 45:57
Right, right. I think that's true with all our services Brenda, again, free. Yep. I don't know if you want me to talk about that.
Brenda 46:05
I do. I would love for you to do that. Yes. So what beside the parent coaching? Which we've talked a little bit about, what else does the partnership offer? Because I know that there's a breadth of services and they're all free. And I think it is the biggest like hidden goldmine of the whole universe of of helping families through this.
Denise 46:26
Yeah. Thank you, Brenda, for asking that. I'll take my employee status out of it. It is the gold mine, it is, was such an important part of my journey that I fell upon them, I can share with you before I share the resources, that there was one day that I emailed and phoned, and I know the number, 112 people, begging for help I was, you know, at the end of my rope.
I just needed answers. And I reached out to everybody and The Partnership is the only one who answered me. And it's the reason why I began volunteering there for many, many years. And it was such a huge part of our family's journey. And our son's journey, right, just jumping those hurdles that I spoke about before. So I would love to just highlight some of the resources that we have. Because while I'm so passionate about the parent coaching, I'm just as passionate about everything else that we offer.
So we have a helpline not a crisis line, where we have the most wonderful caring addiction specialists, social workers, master addiction specialist, that's where all our families come to us even before parent coaching, I would say that 80% of the families that touch base with us, and again, I think I mentioned it was 15,000 plus last year, where we're that, you know, almost like that door they come through to work with one of our specialists, many of our communications with the helpline, they continually work with families to let them know, to help them problem solve, maybe find some resources, or maybe just give them peace of mind that there's hope, right and that they're not alone.
What we know at the partnership is the courage that it takes for a family just to pick up that phone or to send that email message. It's like that first time, where not only are they reaching out for help, but saying you know what, this is bigger than me and I need support. I'm so grateful for that helpline, and that is also the beginning of us or us offering our coaching program. We have help and hope by text, Brenda, if I think if I had to help and hope I know right at 12 o'clock in the morning, one o'clock in the morning, two o'clock in the morning, and this just a text facing platform tailored to where our families are on the journey.
If I will use opiates as the example not only are we sending them messages of hope, but also really the beginning of educating them. What is you know, Naloxone, where can I get it? How can I support my loved one and through that whole process connecting them through the helpline or the coaching experience, but it would have it is a lifeline for our families now and I can tell you, you know, again, in hindsight, if I just had that phone at one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock in the morning, just knowing I wasn't alone ready. There's support out there for me and then see okay, at eight at 8am. I'm gonna wake up and I'm going to call the helpline or I'm going to learn further. So that is just That's a lifeline for families.
Of course, we have our parent coaching program, which I've spoken in quite a bit about, we have our E-learning module for those families that if you think of the very many touchpoints on this journey from early use experimenting all the way to, you know, our, our loved ones really struggling relapsing overdosing, it's that beginning of this journey, right? It's that touchpoint where I mentioned before, okay, I'm going to bring them home, and everything is fine. And I'll go back to college. And we're going to do this right, that silver bullet. It's really a wonderful educational e-learning program. We have our online support community support groups, we began a couple years ago, where this was like a can do it to the coaches that we coached. And just another support system where they could hop online, get further skills and support in an arena where everyone was in the same place. These were all coaches that we coached, right? So just to give them that continuum support, so to speak, I think what we don't serve up as much as we should, and maybe because it's as an organization who really cares about families, we don't want to brag too much, because so many of our families, and actually many people in the field, it's why they respect and love the partnership, because we're never self-seeking, right? But our content is life-saving.
Brenda 51:42
It's phenomenal.
Denise 51:43
It's life-saving, and we don't serve that meat up enough. Right. So how do I travel the treatment journey? What is treatment? What are the questions should I ask, especially with all the unethical treatments in? And really what is treatment? Is it that 30-60 day, inpatient rehab, that's all we talk about. But there's so many other options for treatment, whether it's CBT, or outpatient or therapy. So it's really an opportunity to educate families on the many different treatment options. Traveling the insurance…
Brenda 52:24
There's an episode in itself
Denise 52:27
understanding what is parity? it is your right as a family to get treatment for your loved one, right? Early on in my journey. I didn't know this. This is why I can't get a loan at the corner store for an Apple. And that's not a complaint, because all right, well, but we again, help families trapped, you know, navigate that treatment system. What is continuum support? We don't talk enough about it, we talk about treatment, treatment begins when they come out of treatment. And if they don't have those continuum supports, whether that be you know, what does early recovery look like? How can I play a role in it? Is there Collegiate Recovery? Is the recovery coaching, what about our RCOs, our recovery centers, we know that part of recovery is so much more than substances. But that's social connection. So our meet our content, again, is life-saving. And it's not a program we serve, but go on the website, as a family member, I can tell you, I would go on. And like 11pm, Brenda, and it would be 6am. And I don't even know where I started. Because everything applied?
Brenda 53:45
No, it's true. You just start finding like, oh, I need that. And then that makes sense. And then that makes sense. And then I wonder about that. Yeah. And the fact that it's all free, is so phenomenal. So I will put links to specifically, you know, drugfree.org, it's a super easy URL to remember. So in the show notes, for anybody listening, I will put all the links directly to some of those things that Denise is talking about. So I knew you have to run. I am so grateful for this time that we had, I think we're gonna have to do a follow-up on a couple of things. But I will let you go. And thank you a million times over for this.
Denise 54:27
Well, Brenda, thank you. And again, I apologize. I think sometimes my passion is in the way.
Brenda 54:32
It's why you're so effective and why everybody loves you so much. So I don't know.
Denise 54:38
I don't know if it's effective, I just want to leave you on one note as a friend and you can, you know, edit this out. But it's why I have my own focus group because I care so much and I'm so passionate about this. So sometimes I think am I getting in my own way. And so I'm so grateful that I have parents I just throw it out there. Okay, I need your feedback here. And I welcome that feedback, because I care a little, probably a little too much.
Brenda 55:12
Thank you so much. It's great. Thank you Have a good rest of your day.
Also, if you want to get on my email list, so you can get the email every Wednesday that I send out just as a way to support you and what you're going through you can go to Brendazane.com/email and just drop your email there and I'll send you a short kind of one-pager email on Wednesdays, and I would love to be able to do that for you.
You might also want to download my free ebook called “HINDSIGHT, Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted To Drugs.” It is packed with information that I truly wish I had known back in the darker years with my son. And so I share it now in case it might be helpful to you in your journey. You can get that at Brendazane.com/hindsight, and I will put a link to both of these resources in the show notes as well.