Filling the void: Six Emotional Nutrients Your Child (and you) Need, with Noel Koons
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@hopestreamcommunity.org
Instagram: @hopestreamcommunity
Guest: Noel Koons, Lead Therapist at Evoke Therapy Intensives, CMHC and founder at Volition Counseling
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HOPESTREAM COMMUNITY
The private, online community for parents with kids misusing substances and struggling with mental health. Not connected to Facebook or any social media, it’s your place to learn skills, become more strategic in helping your child, and get healthier for yourself and your family.
About this episode:
In the words of today's guest, Noel Koons, "We all dent our children." Though it may seem like so many other families have everything perfectly together, Noel assures us that isn't true – and with more than 13 years of clinical mental health experience counseling families and individuals, he should know.
Episode summary:
Summary of key points from the show:
All families struggle in one way or another. When it comes to parenting teens misusing drugs/alcohol, often their emotional needs are not being met in healthy ways, so they seek to get those needs met through substances.
There are six basic emotional/psychological needs: understanding, acceptance, connection, safety/security, power/control, and mastery. Substance use can be an easy way to fulfill some of those needs - especially for teens and young adults.
Parents also have those same unmet emotional needs during this challenging time. They may rely on their child for needs like feeling in control or emotionally stable. Recognizing and meeting your own needs is critical so you can be there for your child.
This experience can be very isolating and lonely. Seeking community and understanding from other parents through retreats, support groups etc. is so important. You are not alone.
In healthy families, the parental relationship is the center that everything revolves around. But often the child's behavior becomes the governing force instead. Refocusing on meeting both your own and your partner's emotional needs can help bring balance.
Episode resources:
Volition Counseling (Noel’s private practice)
Blog articles by Noel
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If a teenager is using drugs or alcohol, it's often a cheap and easy way to fulfill their emotional needs and find friendships. This person understands me, you know, as we're using, we have that connection. They accept me. They're not judging me.
Brenda:
You're listening to HopeStream, the place for those parenting teens and young adults who are misusing drugs and alcohol in a treatment program or working their way toward recovery. It's your private space to learn and to gain encouragement and understanding from me, your host, Brenda Zane. I'm fellow parent to a child who struggled, and I'm so glad you're here. To learn more about all the resources available to you besides the podcast, please head over to hopestreamcommunity. org.
Hello, my friend. I have such a great conversation [00:01:00] for you to drop into today that I want to get right into it. One quick note before I do that. I am coming off a pretty brutal week of having COVID and you'll probably notice that my voice sounds a little different than normal.
So just wanted to let you know, all is okay. I am just on the upswing from a pretty rough week. However, I am really glad to have been able to spend time with Noel Coons, who's the lead therapist at Evoke Therapy Intensives. Noel is a clinical mental health counselor with more than 13 years of experience.
His background includes working with adolescents and families in wilderness therapy, therapeutic boarding schools, residential treatment settings, and private practice. Noel has a bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's degree in mental health counseling. He has specialized training in EMDR, DBT, ACT, the seven challenges, positive psychology and cognitive behavioral [00:02:00] therapy.
First met Noel a few years ago when I interviewed him for the Sky's the Limit Fund podcast, which I used to host and have literally been politely stalking him since then to get him on HopeStream. Noel and I cover questions like what are family intensives and psychodrama, and why would those be helpful for a family dealing with a child who struggles with substance use and mental health.
Noel also provides really helpful insight on why it's so important for parents to get on the same page or at least be able to show a united front. When your child is struggling and he talks about the connection of that and Important differences between kids who feel I'm not enough and those who feel I'm too much We discuss the six basic emotional needs all humans have and the fact that, like it or not, we all dent our kids in one way or another.
Noel is so [00:03:00] thoughtful and kind and I can't wait for you to dive into this hour. Take a listen now and I will meet you on the other side. Enjoy.
Noel? We're doing it. We finally are talking.
Noel: It took a while, but yeah, glad to be here. Glad to see you.
Brenda: I know, I know. It's, it's funny. We, we talked, I don't even know when it was. It's for Sky's the Limit Fund, which I just, I will put in a little plug for Sky's the Limit Fund. If you, if you're listening and you don't know, Sky's the Limit Fund helps fund wilderness therapy for families.
So I'll put a link in the show notes to that. And uh, we talked for the, the podcast that I was hosting. for Sky's the Limit Fund. And those tend to be really short episodes. And I was like, no, no, no, wait, we need more time. [00:04:00] And then we've talked since then. And it's like, we have so much to talk about. So thanks for
Noel: coming back.
My pleasure. Yeah. Thank you for having me. And I'm happy to chat with you again. Yeah,
Brenda: awesome. It's I love talking to people like you because you are in this world of working with families all day every day. And I think that's really important versus somebody who's more academic. Like I love academics and people who are authors and write books and all that, but you kind of have your feet in the fire every day with these families who are going through a lot.
And I know you lead intensives for evoke. I would love to have you just share what is an intensive because. I don't know that people understand it, but I do know we've had a couple of members in HopeStream community who have been to your evoke intensives. I don't know if it was with you or with someone else and cannot stop raving about them.
So I would love to have you before we [00:05:00] dive into all the stuff we're going to talk about. Could you just share what that means and what it is and kind of what happens? Because I do feel like that would be a really. It's a phenomenal thing for a lot of families to participate in.
Noel: Definitely. I agree. And first of all, the name, Intensives, may sound a little intense or ominous, so we've considered changing the name, but it's, it's a retreat.
Okay. And I'll speak more about the retreat for individuals, and it's a four and a half day,
Midway, Utah, which is just outside of Park City, uh, and a beautiful area where people can come in and do, do some depth work. And really get a lot of nourishing therapy done in a condensed amount of time. It's a [00:06:00] house, so it's very homey, very cozy. People describe how it's, how it's a very, what, cozy and nurturing atmosphere and environment.
And everything is taken care of, you know, food and, and lodging and such. And, but then the therapeutic part is, there's a bit of teaching. Because people are often hungry for tools to better navigate the situations that they're dealing with in life. And a fair portion of it is, what can I say, this, this inner navigation, including what we call diving into, uh, their families of origin.
Or the family that I grew up in where to gain further understanding on why I'm operating the way I'm operating now, there's usually, you know, the past informs the present and all of us have these adaptations and, [00:07:00] and ways of engaging in the world that, and much of them stem from, from our youth, from, um, from our families of origin.
And so diving into that a little bit and gaining further understanding of that and then bridging that with the present and where there's kind of historical work being done and also present day work.
Brenda: We'll put a link in the show notes to the intensive so people can find that I do again. We've had members go and they just rave.
So I think it's incredibly valuable when you zoom up to like the 50, 000 foot view of. the families that you work with, the kids that you see, what, what do you see going on? I just, um, I like to have people like you who are doing this day in and day out to just give us a little peek at the big picture, right?
Because we see the minutiae, we see [00:08:00] my kids in his room with a bong or my kids in the backyard with doing this, or I just found the bag of pills. So we're in the like nitty gritty detail. I would love to have you give us a little bit wider lens at what you see going on in the world with these families who are really struggling.
Noel: A couple things come to mind. One is that, in my opinion and experience, all families are struggling in one way or another. And as we perhaps look around the neighborhood or go to work, it may seem as though other families have it together, and they don't. They don't. Thank you for clearing that up. We're all, we're all struggling in, in one way or another.
And, and, and the struggles can be different. You know, with a lot of the parents who are listening, who are connected, [00:09:00] uh, with your podcast and, and your experience and what you're doing, it's, it's become bigger or, or unmanaged, typically unmanageable within the home, within the weekly therapy, where it's just become bigger and more chaotic and unmanageable.
A little bit of what's going on from what I've seen is. This is actually a great segue into the psychological or emotional needs where we are, we as people, are not getting our emotional needs met well and in healthy ways. Therefore, we are seeking to get those met in perhaps unhealthy ways or just more accessible ways.
So, for instance, speaking about one initially, the [00:10:00] psychological need of connection, and especially during adolescence, where it's very natural, it's the natural, part of the natural process for adolescents to seek connection outside the home. More than inside the home where parents are still important, siblings are still important, but peers become vastly more important.
And so they're, of course, seeking connection there. And there's a wide variety of healthy ways to connect from sports to Dungeons and dragons to hobbies, to debate, to study groups, to religious, uh, connection or, or otherwise. And there is a wide variety of unhealthy ways to, to connect with peers. And then COVID exacerbated this or made it harder to connect in healthier [00:11:00] ways.
Where what I've seen a lot is, um, a lot of families had a lot of additional scaffolding. With their, with their families, with their kids, where perhaps their kids were involved in, in sports. And so they had additional adults in their teenagers lives, coaches, and just, uh, different people to add these positive touch points, and add connection, and to oversee healthy connection between, between the The, the teenagers and COVID really, really disrupted that where the scaffolding was removed and all the pressure for connection and all the other psychological needs was placed upon the parents or, or the immediate family solely.
And that, that's all it's impossible to do well. It's impossible to full, totally fulfill. It's [00:12:00] impossible for one or two. Parents to totally fulfill their, their child's needs. We're tribal in some way, like the old, the old adage, you know, it takes a village to raise a child and, and that's, that's the way our ancient ancestors did it, is more of a village, more of a tribe.
And so it put this huge responsibility, this impossible task. parents to be the everything for their children during that time.
Brenda: You mentioned connection, which I know is one of the these needs. Talk us through just sort of what what we're talking about here as far as these these needs that have to be met and how they really come into play when we're when we're noticing our kids not
Noel: doing well.
So six emotional or psychological needs from [00:13:00] my opinion and my experience. One is understanding. Another is acceptance. Another is connection, as mentioned a moment ago. So understanding acceptance and connection. Another, if I can call it a set of three, is a sense of safety and security, a sense of power and control, and a sense of mastery.
Mastery being, you know, I sense within myself that I'm that I'm good at some things. And that if I practice, I can improve. You know, I can practice, put some effort into it and improve in, in something in, in learning Spanish or playing guitar or, or making friends or public speaking, whatever it may be that I can practice and, and improve with these psychological needs, my experience with, with families,[00:14:00]
Seeking stronger treatment is that these needs are, are not being met well, or not being met in healthy ways. And that's not a, a blaming thing. Again, it's, it's impossible. These are my words. It's impossible for parents to fully fulfill their, their, especially adolescence. psychological needs. And so one of the ways teenagers do this is, is like seeking peers, the connection, connection there, feeling understood there sometimes over, over social media, like understanding or finding acceptance or, and then of course connection and then safety and security power and control and mastery where I'll use, I'll use drug use as one, [00:15:00] as an example where If, if a teenager is, is using drugs or alcohol, it's often a cheap and easy way to fulfill their emotional needs and find friendships where, oh, this person, this person understands me.
You know, as we're using, we have that, we have that connection. They accept me. They're not, you know, to use this common verbiage, they're not judging me. They accept me and the safety and security where a lot of the times, you know, teenagers feel kind of emotionally out of control, it's a somewhat tumultuous time of life, and so emotionally.
Out of control, or, and that can feel unsafe, or they can feel insecure with that. So, if I can take something that kind of takes the edge off my [00:16:00] emotional state, then wow, that's a lot of control when I've been doing the, trying the deep breathing, or talking to a therapist, and it's not, it's not an immediate solution.
And then they can also feel a sense of mastery with that, like, oh, I'm good at this. You
Brenda: know, right. I was, I was just thinking that the, and I think we talked about this just briefly before is that a lot of the kids in our community, they have a lot of anxiety. So I would imagine that. The substances, you know, in the way that you were just talking about it with that safety and security.
It's like, Oh, this actually makes me feel very safe and, and in control because I'm solving this anxiety problem. And, and I think it was such a light bulb for me when we were talking before that you had said, [00:17:00] you know, that kids will feel unsafe. And, and I was thinking, well, I don't know, my kid had everything he needed to call, you know.
had a car, had a great house, all this stuff. But you were saying, no, it can be that they don't necessarily feel safe within themselves, that their mental health might not be really stable or strong or, or well. And so they're feeling in, in, not insecure. And I don't want to say insecure, but unsafe in a way that I had never even thought about.
And I think that's so important to recognize that that could be happening and we don't even see it as the parents, right?
Noel: Sure. Yeah. Yeah, great point where externally everything may be great, you know, we're financially doing okay. We're in a safe area. We're in a, um, you know, a good country and whatever it may be.
Yet, yet the inner life, [00:18:00] which is extraordinarily important, you know, a lot of teenagers have well, a lot of people. Yeah, I was about to just say it's about teenager teenagers, but a lot of just us as people. We wonder, is anyone experiencing what I'm experiencing? Yeah. Am I alone in this? Am I weird? Am I crazy?
Am I, you know, whatever it may be. And the opposite of connection is like loneliness or, or feeling rejected or, or like there's, there's no one like me. And of course, part of that is feeling understood, which is, which is where. You know, therapy is, tends to be so great. It's like, that's where a lot of us find the acceptance, where instead of getting a motivational speech or a, a finger wagging lecture from, from someone else in our lives, we can just share these [00:19:00] things that we, that we feel insecure about with someone to get that and get that acceptance and get that understanding.
And as that happens, as we feel like it's a, it's a very subjective. experience, you know, where you could tell me all day that you understand me, but if I don't sense it within myself, it's, it doesn't matter what you say. I need to subjectively feel that within myself. And once I do, once I do feel understood, accepted, and Connected with you.
It's, it's the game changer.
Brenda: Hey, did you know Hope Stream Community is a nonprofit organization and we are so happy to provide financial scholarships to over a quarter of the parents who use our services? [00:20:00] We have our first ever giving campaign happening right now. And if you're a podcast listener and you've benefited from the content here, we would love it if you'd help us keep this as a free resource for parents.
We're all about action at HopeStream Community, and over 84 percent of our members say they have noticed an improvement in their relationship with their child since joining. And over 69 percent believe their child has accepted help in one form or another as a result of their experience with us. So, we know lives are being changed and we want to be able to help even more parents.
If you're able to give to our Year of Hope campaign, please go to hopestreamcommunity. org forward slash donate to learn more. Thank you. Now, back to the show.
Like you just said, a lot of our kids are finding that in substances and the people in the world of [00:21:00] the substance use, they're finding that. Understanding acceptance and connection, which totally makes sense now, you know, that I think about it in this construct of like, of course, like everything that you said, that was my son, 1000%.
You know, these, my homies are my family. And, you know, he felt very connected with them. He felt very powerful and very much in control in the drug world. He That sense of mastery of like, I have this whole thing figured out. I know how to, you know, sell the, this amount of weed, or I know how to, you know, weigh, like he was.
He, he, he would like pick something up and he could tell you exactly how much it like he could pick up a phone and he'd be like, Oh yeah, that's how much it weighs. Because he was so skilled at the whole drug thing. It was crazy.
Noel: Incredible. Right. When you mastery
Brenda: as [00:22:00] you went, yes, mastery. So I think this is just like, so enlightening to go through these things, these six things and go.
Oh my gosh, it makes so much sense, which I love when we can put some sense around stuff because it's none of this feels like it makes sense as a parent. So this is really, really critical to, to get some understanding around this. The other thing that I think is important is to reflect on how we. Are as parents, we have these exact same needs and how, when our kids are struggling, it can just obliterate.
Even if we did feel these things in the past, potentially, and I'd be curious to have that conversation too, of like, do these things kind of ebb and flow as we go through life? Um, can some be, be stronger and some be less. But as we were talking, I, you know, I looked at these and I was like, [00:23:00] yeah, I didn't have any of these During this time with my son.
I do feel like I've had These things like before and after, but during that particular five, six years, wow, like none of these were happening for me. So maybe you can talk a little bit about how this applies to parents
Noel: too. Yeah, because yeah, and it definitely does. It applies to all, all people. It's when I say human needs.
I, they are needs, and if we don't get them met in healthy ways, we'll, we may become desperate and get them met in unhealthy ways. And they definitely apply to, to parents as well. And thank you for, I know you've shared your experience, uh, in previous podcasts. And, um, so one, thank you for sharing your experience and, and two, I'm, uh, I'm sorry that you're, you know, That your psychological needs were not met during, during that time [00:24:00] of intense stress and perhaps desperation and, and all of that, when, when you really needed it.
Brenda: I love the word desperation because it's so perfectly sums up the level to which we fall when our kids are struggling and. You know, the things that I did just like the driving around in the middle of the night. I'm gonna find him I'm gonna find his drug dealer. I'm gonna you know Just crazy like you really do get to a point, you know Some of us I guess I shouldn't apply this to everybody but some of us get to a point of desperation where you are doing crazy things you're not Yeah.
Living a healthy life. And, and I think it's also important to just acknowledge that as parents, we do get those needs met in unhealthy ways. And sometimes that is our own substance use, right? Like it's not that this is [00:25:00] only can happen to kids because it's like, you know, wine can make a lot of stuff just sort of fade away at the end of the night or, or we or whatever.
So I think it's really important. to recognize and pay attention to these for ourselves so that we can be there for our
Noel: kids. Yes. Yeah. Well said. Well said. Because ultimately my emotional needs are my responsibility. And as our teenagers are growing up, I mean, that's their responsibility. Yes. We want to help, help them.
Sometimes we're desperately trying to help them and But ultimately it's their responsibility and so my emotional needs are my responsibility and something that stood out to me is, you know, I'm going to drive around. And find my son's drug dealer, perhaps trying to, to grasp [00:26:00] a modicum of power and control over a chaotic situation.
Yeah. And, and I think, I think a lot of parents experience that. It's like, this is, this is too much. I don't have power and control over this. This is beyond, or I, uh, I'm not feeling a sense of mastery. And so the opposite of mastery is failure. Feeling like a sense of failure. I'm failing as a dad, or I'm failing as a mom, or sometimes there's often a lot of self blame.
Like, what's wrong with me? What did I do? So for parents, one, we all dent our children in one way or another. And again, there's, there's a lot to it. Like, we as human beings, we, we need a lot. And we, you know, Unfortunately, we live in a fairly individualistic society where it's [00:27:00] harder to get these emoour psychological needs met well, and it's not just in the In the system, like we have to seek it out.
Typically, we have to strive for it for this understanding acceptance connection as well as safety and security, power and control and mastery. And so what I've seen a lot with parents who are going through treatment with their children is they're feeling. Kind of the opposite of power control or, or powerlessness and feeling out of control or in the chaos.
And, and so they, they may, as you, as you mentioned, get, get desperate, try to control their child in, in some way. And all, all of that makes sense. And I think it's so important for parents to understand that. Especially when we're in situations [00:28:00] like that where things may be getting out of control to focus on ourselves as well.
Am I getting my emotional needs met both personally and interpersonally? That's the way we as human beings work. Personally and interpersonally. Sometimes we say, you know, sometimes we tell our kids, Oh, don't Don't worry what other people think. Well, we're human beings. We're a social species. So, so we are going to worry no matter who tells us not to worry what other people think.
We were, we will worry to some degree or another. Um, and so getting our emotional needs met both personally and interpersonally. And sometimes we need to seek that out. As that happens, as our emotional needs are met, we tend to become. Relaxed within ourselves, in our nervous systems. Relax, [00:29:00] so we're not in fight or flight.
And with that, we tend to be more intelligent, or in other words, we tend to be better decision makers because we're not desperate. And this is where, this is where things can be somewhat chaotic around us. But if we're getting our emotional needs met to a fair degree, maybe not a hundred percent, but to a fair degree, we will have much more peace and serenity.
And clarity within the chaos, like the firefighters who are, who are trained to go into dangerous and chaotic situations while staying calm, you know, but it's keeping, getting these needs met is critical.
Brenda: What does it look like if we are not doing that? Like, what does it, what might I be doing or saying as a parent who is relying on my child for my emotional needs?[00:30:00]
Noel: You know, sometimes children, our children perform or try to meet our expectations well, or fulfill our needs. And other times children may rebel against that role. There may be a dynamic of perfectionism in the child where it's like, Oh, if, if I, if I'm perfect, if I get straight A's, if I'm valedictorian, if I'm a student body president, captain of the tennis team or whatever it is, then not only will I get acceptance and love, not totally synonymous but closely synonymous with that, and also I can take care of my parents and helping them to feel a sense of power and control over me because I'm I'm the, the good child, quote [00:31:00] unquote, the good child.
Right. And some families often have, well, a fair number of families have the good child, who's like so easy and does so well. And then there's another child who kind of unconsciously rebels. Against that role, it's like, I'm not, I'm not doing that. And then it exposes the, Oh, parents. I thought everything was under my power, under my control.
And I was doing well as a parent when everything felt as though it was under my power and control. But now that my child is rebelling against, against that, I feel totally off and I may blame my child for my emotional psychological need, not being met. It's like, Oh, I feel out of control and powerless. My child is doing this to me type [00:32:00] thing, or, or I wouldn't feel this way if my child would just behave or just get good grades or just, or stop smoking weed all day or stop smoking weed all day.
If they would just behave, I would feel better. Yeah. And that's a tough one, right? That is. It's so hard. I mean, this is a. Big question, perhaps. But what was, what was your experience with, with that?
Brenda: My emotional state was 100 percent tied to my son's behavior and emotional state. So if he had a good day where he actually showed up for school, I was like, the happiest person.
My son went to school today, right? Forget all the other crap that was going on, but it was like, great. I was the classic, I can only be as happy as my unhappiest child. That was my, like, I could have had that, you know, as a tattoo on my [00:33:00] forehead. And I started to realize through therapy, I finally got a therapist and she really helped me recognize how that was not serving me very well, nor was it serving anyone in my family very well because it was like, then my younger kids would look and go, they, they could see, Um, if this kid's having a bad day or if he's in jail or if he's doing whatever he's doing, mom's going to be a mess.
It was, there was just a complete connection there. And I also think for, for people who have other kids. Because the one was so off the rails and crazy and mayhem, I was looking to my other son, my younger son, as that golden child, as the peacekeeper, as my emotional stability, because I knew he was always going to be good.
He was always very stable. He was [00:34:00] always, you know, available to help or whatever. And so I really think that I did. Um, completely unintentionally and unknowingly look to him for my sense of control and stability because the other one was so crazy and doing things that I had no control over.
Noel: I have two older brothers who growing up could have really used wilderness therapy and, uh, and they took a lot of attention and there was a lot of time, energy.
effort, and sometimes expense, put in, like invested in them, where I wasn't necessarily the good child. I was the mostly invisible child, where I just stay out of the way, if something was going on, don't express it, I'll deal with it, where my parents, especially being raised by a single mom, my [00:35:00] mom really didn't know much of what was going on.
For me during that time and the belief of I'm too much. I don't want to contribute to her stress Right and all families kind of fulfill Roles unconsciously in ways like that or or you know the way the way you described with, with your boys. And so it's, it's no joke, right? It's, it's real stuff. And then it's so difficult to see when we're in it.
Yes.
Brenda: Yes. Which is why, again, I think having a therapist is a must. It's not a nice to have. It's not a luxury. I hear from a lot of our members. Oh, I can't, I can't spend money on my own therapist because I'm spending so much on You know treatment for my child or whatever and I just say no that is not okay
Noel: Parents in this realm who [00:36:00] it's a lot of it's all brand new many parents I've worked with they were just kind of thrust into this arena not knowing it even existed previously Exactly, and then they look around their area, their neighborhood, their, their cities, and, and there's, there's not a community or they don't know of a community where people don't know what an RTC or a residential treatment center is, or what wilderness therapy is, or, or sometimes parents get, get this reaction where people are aghast that they would send their child across the country to live in the wilderness.
You know, kind of how could you do that as a parent type reactions when they do try to find understanding acceptance and connection around this very difficult experience that they're right in the middle of, and sometimes they can feel [00:37:00] alienated or very lonely.
Brenda: Yes, it is a very isolating and lonely experience, unless you get plugged in, unless you are going to retreats.
Um, obviously being a part of like our community, being a part of a therapeutic community can be incredibly helpful. So you, but you do have to seek it out, right? You have to take that initiative, seek it out, know that you're not alone. There's so many millions of, you know, I think the last statistic I saw was that there's nine something million.
Um, people between the age of 12 and 17 who were diagnosed with a substance use disorder. So you know, if that's the number that had been diagnosed, there's probably equally the same number who have not been. So you're not alone. You know, there are communities that can help out and, and provide that [00:38:00] connection and put all this together.
I think I'm gonna make up like a little, a little cheat sheet with these six on it that people can download in the show notes. Because just to have that, to be able to just kind of step through and say, okay, where am I with these different people? Pieces and where can I, if some of them are sort of lacking, where can I pick those up?
So we'll, we'll get that in the show notes. Yeah.
Noel: And I have, uh, on my website, I have an article that outlines all of these kind of gives a distilled description plus, plus some to dos, you know, what, what can I do both personally and interpersonally to Help fulfill these these psychological needs. So
Brenda: well, we'll link directly into the article but also to your site and to evoke so that people can find the intensives there if you had a little word for parents Just who are in the in the [00:39:00] crazy right now and you could just give them a little boost What would you say
Noel: one you're not alone?
You're not alone, and it can be tough to find those who do understand, who do get it, who do understand and know the struggle. And that's, Brenda, with what you're doing, not only sharing your experience, but, but connecting with, with other people in these, in these podcast interviews, and also broadly with your listeners and your retreats.
I mean, that's something. You're such a, I think you're such a valuable part of this community that, and so for, for parents, especially parents, who are trying to figure this out, one, you're not alone. There are people who get it. [00:40:00] And then as you get those initial psychological needs met, understanding, acceptance, and connection, then you'll be better be able to Make healthy decisions and getting a sense of safety and security, a greater sense of power and control and a sense of mastery, even if that in the moment is just within yourself, right?
With families, we are a solar system where ideally the, the parents relationship is the center of the solar system, the governing force and the solar system and everything revolves. Orbits that the relationship between, between parents and if it's a single parent, it's, it's typically just the parent's relationship with themselves [00:41:00] and which is critically important.
And what often happens, the child's behavior becomes the governing force in the solar system. Where the, the, the needs are so strong, the behaviors are so loud and, and perhaps dangerous or destructive that they, it's virtually impossible to, to keep balanced within that. And so the governing force becomes the behaviors and everything revolves around that.
And when that happens, no one's doing well, no one in the whole family is doing well. And so if your child, if your child is in treatment, this is a great time to. Rebalance your family solar system and a huge part of that is Taking care of one's own [00:42:00] Psychological emotional needs and then helping helping your your partner, you know your parent Relationship helping them with that as well.
So personally and interpersonally
Brenda: Thank you so much. This is just so incredibly helpful Again, we'll point to VolitionCounseling. com, um, so you can find Noel and then also your article with the, with the tips, which we will definitely use and, uh, we'll, yeah, we might have to do another one just to. Keep going on all the other stuff that we wanted to talk
Noel: about, but there's a lot.
Brenda: I think we yeah I think we got this one in the bag, which is what I wanted to do for sure So super happy about that and just thanks for all the work you do with families. It's just so
Noel: valuable Yeah, you're you're very welcome. And thank you very much likewise Brenda one for having me on but then also the service you're providing to To all these [00:43:00] great families who are, who are still trying to figure things out.
Brenda: Okay. That is it for today. If you would like to get the show notes for this episode, you can go to brendazane. com forward slash podcast. All of the episodes are listed there and you can also find curated playlists there. So that's very helpful. You might also want to download a free ebook I wrote. It's called hindsight three things I wish I knew when my son was misusing drugs.
It'll give you some insight as to why your son or daughter might be doing what they are. And importantly, it gives you tips on how to cope and how to be more healthy through this rough time. You can grab that free from Brenda Zane. com forward slash hindsight. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate it.
And I hope that these episodes are helping you stay strong and be very, very good to yourself. And I will meet you right back [00:44:00] here next week.