Coaching Episode: Using Self-Care and Motivation as Tools in Teen Harm Reduction
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@hopestreamcommunity.org
Instagram: @hopestreamcommunity
Guest: Kelly, real mom & Hopestream Community member
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About this episode:
Kelly’s son began smoking marijuana all day, every day after a serious trauma two years ago. Therapy and harm reduction strategies have led them to an arrangement where he is allowed to smoke occasionally, but only in the garage. Her son is smoking much less now, and in combination with therapy, reports he’s stopped using substances as a primary coping mechanism. But after two years of being on high alert at all times, and with the potential of paying for college looming on the horizon, Kelly is reaching the end of her rope, finding it difficult to get enough sleep. Her interactions with her son have become more judgmental than compassionate, and Kelly worries about driving him away.
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Kelly: [00:00:00] You know, it's been a long two years with everything, and I can definitely tell where I'm in a place of, I'm just, I'm over it. I've had to handle it mostly on my own. I'm burnt out from it, and I can tell because it's reflecting on my patients. You know, I'm just harping on, on him, or, you know, I'm being, acting a little bit more judgmental, or, you know, instead of addressing things in a calm, positive way, I'm just like, Oh God, again, you know, so I can tell I'm, you know, I'm just being from it.
You know, it, it, a lot of it is the worry. The worry has just been exhausting.
Brenda:
You're listening to HopeStream. If you're parenting a young person who misuses substances, is in a treatment program or finding their way to recovery, you're in the right place. This is your private space to learn from [00:01:00] experts and gain encouragement and support from me, Brenda Zane. You're a host and follow mom to a child who struggled.
This podcast is just one of the resources we offer for parents. So after the episode, head over to our website at hopestreamcommunity. org.
I'm so glad you're here. Take a deep breath, exhale, and know that you have found your people. And now let's get into today's show.
Hello. I am so glad you're here today tuning in for a coaching episode.
These are super helpful as you're navigating your own experience. To get to eavesdrop in on someone who's going through maybe a similar experience, or maybe they're slightly ahead of you and you can gain some insight and wisdom to help you on your journey. Or maybe there are a few steps behind you and you're able to remember and recognize how much you have grown.
Today I talked with Kelly who had some questions around harm reduction with her 17 year old [00:02:00] son. He experienced a trauma two years ago, and since then he's been engaged in treatment and counseling, and he has managed to reduce his use to just THC, which for him is a step in the right direction from where he was.
Kelly recognizes the progress he's made. But she's worried because he doesn't seem to be continuing to make forward progress and he is still smoking more days than not. You'll hear how she and her husband established a boundary around his THC use and some ideas that we came up with for starting to crowd out the substance use with more positive activity.
And also some ideas of how Kelly might be able to kill two birds with one stone when it comes to helping her son and also getting her own self care back on track. She recognizes that she has taken a backseat to the situation with her son and has left behind a coaching credential that she's been working toward so that she can work and give back to parents who are [00:03:00] also going through difficulties with their kids.
It's a beautiful conversation with a mom who really needed to hear. That she is doing so much right, and there's a lot of positive happening in her family, even though she didn't necessarily see that when we went into the call. So take a listen and I will see you on the other side. Here's Kelly.
Welcome Kelly to hope stream. Thank you so much for allowing us to record your coaching session. It truly is helpful. You said you've listened to some coaching episodes and it really is helpful. So I appreciate you being willing to do that. But this time is for you. We really want to get into some stuff that will be helpful for you and your family.[00:04:00]
So why don't you just give us some context for what's going on in as much or little detail as you want. Um, this is not, you don't have to do a super deep dive, but just to give me some perspective on where you're at and where you want to go.
Kelly: I have a 17 year old son who Suffered a trauma, uh, approximately two years ago.
And since that time, um, started back then smoking pot to cope with the trauma and everything, and, um, we've been up down around, um, as we tried to navigate everything. And, um, I found your website and, um, the. community a few months ago from a podcast that I listened to. Um, and it's been extremely helpful and it's really helped me to change, um, my focus and kind of help redirect, um, how I try to help him navigate this journey.
And, um, so that's kind of where we are now. Like I said, we've, we've gone up and down and around [00:05:00] and been through it all and tried different things. And, um. Really feel like this was a good change for us with the information that you, you know, you and others on the site have provided and where we are kind of now that brought me to wanting to do a session is we chose to after some discussion chose, um, in terms of working with harm reduction, chose to allow him to smoke in the garage.
Um, nothing in the house. Um, we set up boundaries and reasoning behind it and expectations and consequences for not following the boundaries, um, the boundary of safety. And now I feel stuck. You know, I, I do feel like it's worked in some ways, you know, we, we. Talked with him about the goal of being, you know, to get it out of his room.
Not as easy to turn to it, um, when coping or whatever. Trying to have more transparency with us and being honest and also [00:06:00] trying to support him where he's at with it and, um, meaning kind of in the middle and trying to, you know, find an agreement that we can live with and he can live with. And where I'm struggling with is how you continue to move from that towards inviting them to continue with further change, if that makes sense.
They say, you know, he says he's smoking less, you know, that it's working and he's holding on tightly to that, that garage. Um, I mean, I, I do think it's less, but you know, from time to time we'll still find stuff in his room. I feel like he visited, visits the garage a little bit too frequently for my liking.
He's pretty set and determined that he would quit if he found issue with it, if he ran into trouble, that sort of thing. Just to give a little information, you know, there were times when he was smoking all day long, before school, after [00:07:00] school, you know, really impacting him and we're not there. We're not there.
Um, but I would say approximately smoking for four days out of. 7. Okay. Primarily in the evening during the summer, but really holding on to that tightly and not really wanting to discuss moving forward or making any additional changes. Um, you know, we'll, you know, I'll, I'll change when I see a problem, um, that sort of thing.
And so I'm, that's kind of where we're stuck and where I kind of frustrated and don't know how to proceed from here, if that makes
Brenda: sense. Yeah, it totally makes sense. Um, and thank you for that. That's a great kind of grounding place for us to be. Has he been to formal treatment?
Kelly: I mean, he's, he's a counselor.
They're not. substance abuse, um, substance use specific, but they do address it. Um, he did do an online group and did get drug tested through that group. But other than [00:08:00] that, he has not had a specific substance use treatments.
Brenda: Okay. Well, I know it, you know, you feel stuck. And, um, I know that this can be an extremely frustrating experience, but looking at it from the outside with a 17 year old who experienced trauma, the fact that you're having these conversations, he's, he's smoking less than he was.
It's not every single day. He is actively, it sounds like engaged in some sort of help. You know, um, that's pretty good. It's not your ideal, but I think there's a lot of positive stuff there. So I just want to recognize that you've done such a good job to
Kelly: thank you. That makes me feel
Brenda: better. Yeah. That's huge.
I mean, really, really, that is huge. And again, it's not like we say, this is the end point and we're just happy to be here. But it's a [00:09:00] really good place to be because what it sounds like to me is that you've been really good with your boundaries. You've kept the lines of communication open. It sounds like you have a good amount of understanding that this is not just a test.
Um, you know, bad behavior on his part that it's starting to make sense to you why he would be doing this. So that's, I think that's just really commendable. I want to make sure that you feel good about that, that you've done a lot of work. This is a. Right. This is not one of those things that just fixes itself overnight.
And so you've really been through it in the last couple of years and, and I think you're doing an amazing job. I just want to make sure and tell you that. you know, with him smoking less and him saying, Hey, if it becomes a problem, I'll do something about it. I think [00:10:00] the door feels pretty open. Like you said, like, how do we now start talking about doing more?
Um, and that's what is, is really helpful is to talk about crowding out the substance use with stuff that he really likes. Okay. Versus It's always hard to remove something, right? Like if you give me a box of cookies in my kitchen, it's going to be way harder to remove those than it is to distract me by doing stuff that I love to where I'm going to forget that there's a box of cookies in my pantry.
Do you know what I mean? It's, um, so it sounds like a time where you, you have that opportunity. Have you talked to him about to say, Hmm, what would, what would it look like if it were a problem? Like, what would be the indicators that you're smoking is becoming a problem? Just so that he starts to think about that, right?
Like, Hmm, [00:11:00] well, if I couldn't get up and go to school or well, if I couldn't go, you know, whatever is going on, um, just to get him thinking about, well, what, what might this be? Getting in the way of, does he have like hobbies or stuff that he likes to do that you would like to see him get reengaged in or that he might want to get reengaged in?
Kelly: Yeah. I mean, he, he does have things, you know, like he's a avid reader, he, he runs, he, it's a lot of pushing to try to get him to do more of these things. And the concern with the garage is, okay, well I could do those things or I could go down and. You know what I mean? So he definitely had, and we've talked about volunteering and I found places for him to volunteer.
Um, but it's a lot of pushing to do them. [00:12:00] So he's definitely not really reaching out for the opportunities per se. Yeah. Um, even though we've talked about identifying these things to focus on more. Yeah,
Brenda: before we go into that, I just want to rewind for a quick second. You mentioned that he went through a trauma a couple of years ago.
Do you feel like that's getting addressed with the counseling that he's doing? He did a
Kelly: trauma program. Um, that he completed this spring. So he is, he is, um, definitely at a much better place. Uh, you know, it still affects him, but he's not in the kind of crisis mode or anything. And he's, he's, he's definitely in a different place now.
I mean, it's still there and he's, he's always had anxiety, but, um, the trauma piece definitely, it's still being addressed, but he's at a better place. He actually will say to me, he's not smoking to cope anymore. Okay. He's smoking because he enjoys it. Yeah.
Brenda: Okay. That's what I was [00:13:00] going to ask is where, what does he identify as the reason?
And also I guess it could be worth asking, what do you enjoy about it? Right? So it's one thing to say, well, I enjoy it, but what about it are you enjoying? That it lets you sleep better that it, you know what I mean? There has to be some benefits that he's getting. So I'm super glad to hear about the trauma program because that.
That can be where he could be getting stuck. So it's great that he's done that and that he's still getting some, some help with that. Let's though talk about you for a minute. How are you doing?
Kelly: Um, I'm exhausted. You know, it's been a long two years with everything and I can definitely tell where I'm at a place of, I'm just, I'm, I'm.
I've had to handle it mostly on my own. My husband has [00:14:00] had a much harder time dealing with it, keeping his emotions in check. So I've really done most of it all by myself. And so, you know, I'm a reader. I, you know, so I'm looking, you know, constantly listen to podcasts and books and I feel, you know, like I, I'm walking an okay path, but I'm just, I'm burnt out from it.
And I can tell because it's reflecting on my patients. Even though I, you know, I, even though I know it's for a reason, I've, you know, I'm just exhausted from it, you know, and there's, I did, there are a lot of days I just don't want to deal with it anymore, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And then I find myself when I'm doing that, you know, I'm just harping on, on him or, you know, I'm being, acting a little bit more judgmental or, you know, instead of addressing things in a calm, positive way, I'm just like, Oh God, again, you know, so I can tell I'm, you know, I'm just beat from it.
You know, it, it, a lot of it is the worry. The [00:15:00] worry has just been exhausting.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah. It's, I mean, if it's been a couple of years and you're. has been on high alert for month after month after month after month. It's a lot. And, and of course that is going to wear you down for sure. And so in other than sort of you're losing your patience, um, you know, being a little bit more judgmental.
What else is happening? Like how's your body doing? How's your sleep? How's your routines? Definitely
Kelly: not sleeping well. You know, I can fall asleep easily, but I, you know, I'm kind of always still on the alert. Like, you know, did he go downstairs? Um, is he asleep yet? Uh, is he going to be able to get a practice tomorrow?
You know, I better make sure I wake up early, you know, my body, even if I'm asleep and I'm tired, my mind definitely is. on the alert still, [00:16:00] you know, and I try to take care of myself and, you know, do mindful activities and exercise and that definitely helps. I think it's just the fear piece that still, you know, comes always back to bite, to bite me in the butt.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So. As you're thinking about your son in the next couple of months, what would be an important shift that you would like to see happen? Is there something, either a small positive change or a goal, like obviously we know he's not just going to quit smoking, but what would be something in the next, let's call it three to six months, a positive shift that still includes him smoking, so maybe he's still going to the garage?
What would be some other things that you would want to see him doing? Spending more
Kelly: time and focusing more energy on healthy, positive things in his life [00:17:00] without, you know, more on his own, taking more of the initiative, um, focusing the energy on that kind of running it with it and just, you know, showing that.
He enjoys those and, um, really is getting stuff out as much out from those things as he is from smoking.
Brenda: What about school? What's going on with school? He
Kelly: does pretty well. He does have ADHD and anxiety. And so, um, definitely struggles with executive functioning and staying focused with all he's been through.
He does reasonably very well, you know, is looking at we're starting the whole college application process, you know, wants to go away to college and and stuff. So, you know, the want is there. It's just more of him taking responsibility and, um, without as much guidance and pushing and reminding and stuff and stuff from me.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah. Cool. [00:18:00] Well, again, I know it's easy to, to get, um, focused on the negative, but the fact that he's thinking about college, that he is going to school, that he's doing reasonably well is, is so good. So let's talk about that for a minute and then we'll come back to you. What I hear is that. Um, you guys have, it seems like you have some decent communication going on that you've set these boundaries, you've communicated them.
He's for the most part adhering to them. And the great thing about boundaries is they can also change, right?
Kelly: And that's where I get stuck for sure. Yes.
Brenda: And so being able to have a conversation with him about like some of these activities that he might want to get back into or getting ready for college.
It's okay to, to say, Hey, you know, your dad and I are looking at college, it is an investment for sure. We want to make sure that our investment is well, um, set up and well [00:19:00] protected. And here's what a good investment in college looks like to us. It looks like somebody who really Hey, is, has spending more time doing positive, healthy things and you get to decide what those look like.
Somebody who's volunteering, you know, either a job or volunteering X number of hours a week, maybe you start small with five or 10 hours a week, you know, so you sort of lay out the conditions. That make you feel good about investing in college, right? Right.
Kelly: I'm guessing that's the big fear.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And so, and, and co creating something with him that looks like something that you can live with and looks like something that he can live with. Okay. So that you're not just blindly like, well, here we go off to college and like we have no guardrails for what that looks like. And so having, having that conversation and, [00:20:00] and starting, you know, planting that early of, Hey, you know, in the next couple of weeks, your dad and I are thinking about some stuff that we would like to see.
We're super happy with where you are. You've come such a long way. And harm reduction actually is not just, okay, now, now you're using less. It's always using less with the goal of being safer and continuing to be safer would mean continuing to use less because he's still has a developing brain and you know, all host of other reasons.
But so, so I think it would be important to set up some expectations with him to say, Hey, You know, first of all, always reinforcing the positive, which is easy to
forget
Kelly: when you're tired and
Brenda: it's so easy to forget, but really just like, man, buddy, it's a [00:21:00] lot what you've been through and you're really making an effort and some days look like more effort than others.
And that's okay. We all have those days and we're looking forward to having you experience college. Here, you know, this is an investment that we're willing to make, and we want to make in you. And here's what a good investment looks like. So you're not saying you can't do this, you can't do this, and you can't do this.
You're really setting up these, this is what a full, healthy life looks like for your dad and I to be willing to support. Obviously you can't control what he puts in his body. But you can look for evidence of him working or volunteering, going, you know, doing physical activity, having healthy relationships, that kind of thing.
But, but presenting it over time, a little bit at a time. Okay. Yeah. And [00:22:00] also asking him what feels supportive to you as you look at making this move. This is a big shift in this next year. You're going to go through a lot of changes. What would be supportive or what would feel supportive to you from, from your dad and I as we move towards you graduating from high school and, and really moving on to a new phase of life?
Cause we want to be there for it. You know, and, and really getting him invested because unless you've got, unless he has that intrinsic like drive to do something. It's probably not going to last. And unfortunately, weed is like the number one motivation killer of anything.
Kelly: You throw that in with ADHD and everything, it's like, Oh, buddy.[00:23:00]
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I'm just wondering, is there anything that you guys like to do together that's
Kelly: When we spend time, it's more, it's mostly like eating and watching a movie and stuff. I mean, he is on the cross country team, so he, he is active. Um, but together, I mean, we could, I don't know, I don't think he's 6'1 I don't think I could keep up with him, but, um, he, he, he is, he just, he has done yoga.
So I have considered doing yoga with him if he will allow me to go. So that is something. Yeah.
Brenda: [00:25:00] Yeah. Cause I always like to be super efficient. And so I'm thinking if you can kill two birds with one stone, it's
Kelly: always a good thing.
Brenda: Yeah. So wondering if there is, since it seems like you need some stress reduction, you need a little bit more balance tipped in the direction of yourself.
Yeah. And you could even, that could be part of your conversation with him of like, Hey, buddy, you know, I've kind of let myself get sucked into a lot of this and I'm noticing that I'm just not as healthy as I want to be. I'm noticing is a really good, neutral, non confrontational way to approach things.
I've noticed I'm just not as healthy as I want to be. And I'm wondering, what do you, what would you think about me doing yoga with you sometime? Okay. Yeah. And see what happens. And you know what? He might be like, Oh heck no, I'm not [00:26:00] doing yoga with you. And that's okay. But at least he knows, Oh, my mom wants to do something with me.
Yeah. Right. And then you can find something else. Is there anything else that you can think of that would be a healthy activity that you would like to do or that would benefit you that you might be able to do together? I mean,
Kelly: just, just walking or going, going shopping. He likes to shop. So, I mean, you know, I mean just walking down, like walking uptown to get something to eat and, you know, getting out in the air and stuff.
Brenda: Yeah. And walking and talking is magical. It is. Yeah. Yeah. So, and that would be a great time, you know, thinking about college, how are you feeling? Dah dah. Um, when you're not face-to-face, face-to-face is often not,
Kelly: not the greatest. Well, because he's, he's already an anxious kid. So you start to talk about anything that hits him anywhere relating to this scenario.
And it's, it's not, it's red light. Red light, red light, you know? Right. So, yes,
Brenda: yes. That's for sure. And, and a lot of [00:27:00] that, um, I mean, it's so understandable because he's thinking, Oh my gosh, what are they going to say? They're going to tell me I have to stop smoking. So I love the fact that you. know about harm reduction and that, what have your conversations been with him about that?
Like, when do you talk about sort of what's going on with him and his use? Probably too much
Kelly: too often, but it's more of, you know, I'm talking about, you know, his safety and wanting him to be, wanting him to be safe and that that's our goal that, you know, we realize we can't control whether he, You know, he doesn't smoke, but that are, you know, our limits and our concerns are around his safety, you know, not wanting some him to make a decision that could be harmful to himself or someone else like driving, you know, with I, or, and then also just not having being dependent on anything for being happy in life.
You know, we do talk a lot about, you know, you're going to be going off to college and you're not going to [00:28:00] have us. They are monitoring things. And so starting to think about, you know, I talk a lot about like, you know, what if you have somebody in the dorm who your roommate doesn't want somebody smoking pot?
What if you're not allowed to smoke pot in the door? You know, like that sort of thing, which I think it's kind of getting ahead. You know, um, but I definitely am talking, you know, it's, it's the old adage, well, if I keep talking about it and keep saying it out loud, you know, it'll stick and then he won't do it.
And then I'll feel like I'm protecting him, but all I'm doing is he's just tuning me out. I'm very much aware, you know? Yeah.
Brenda: Yeah. Is there something that you would be willing to try as an experiment for the, let's say the next two weeks where You really make a conscious effort to not talk about it at all and only talk about some activities and, and you could even tell him, buddy, [00:29:00] I'm doing an experiment and I need your help.
Okay. Yeah. I know it probably makes you anxious when all I do is talk about. You're smoking or your future or whatever. So for the next two weeks, maybe you make it fun. Like it's like the swear jar, like he gets, you know what I mean? Like something. Yeah. Yeah. So that he's aware that you're consciously making an effort, you're reminded, but it's not this very serious, like, Oh, you know, it's, it's like, okay.
We're doing this together because we are all doing it together, right? It's not just him. It's impacting you. So would you be willing to try that? Oh, yeah.
Kelly: Yeah. I need to, I need some kind of incentive and I need something to hold me, you know, to, to it because I do realize our relationship is much more important than me just talking nonstop.
So
Brenda: what do you think his response would be if you, if you asked him to engage in your [00:30:00] experiment? He'd
Kelly: be all for it, but he'd say, he'd probably say, you'll never be able to, to make the two weeks.
Brenda: Okay. Well game on. So yes, maybe there's, is there, maybe there's something where, you know, at the end of the two weeks.
If you do it or you don't, right? Maybe you get three strikes or something. Right, right. Um, you know, that you go out to a meal that you like, or he gets to go clothes shopping for school or whatever. Yeah, I'm
Kelly: sure we can find something that, that would make him excited about it. Honestly, I think the goal, I think he would just be excited to not have to talk about it every day.
Right. That might be just surprise enough, you know.
Brenda: Right, right. Yeah. With the knowledge that, You know, cause I think that just makes you more human to him as well. However, you, you could be planting a seed at the same time to say, and after this experiment, I'm going to do a better job of not making this dominate our [00:31:00] conversation, but we are going to be talking about what college looks like, or we are going to be talking about what your senior year looks like.
You know what I mean? Just so that it's right. It's out there that you are thinking about this and you're really trying to support him. So I hear you're
Kelly: saying more focusing on like expectations and what we would like to see versus worrying about like, Oh, you went to the garage twice today. Uh, you know, you're down there rolling papers, like your brother was, you know, like that sort of thing, but focusing on like what healthy, positive stuff would look like to us in terms of moving forward towards working towards college.
Totally. Am I hearing that correctly? Okay. A hundred
Brenda: percent. Yeah. There's think about how could we crowd out. You know, one garage visit this week, super simple. It's not extreme. It's not, we're stopping a hundred percent. We're just saying what would, what could replace one visit to the garage this [00:32:00] week that you would really enjoy?
Crowding out is just so much easier than taking away because nobody wants stuff taken away. Right. Especially a 17 year old with anxiety who found weed. Like right. Are you kidding me? Mom? Like I just found the solution. Why are you trying to take away my solution? Oh yeah.
Kelly: Yeah. And I find that the same when it comes to, okay, well I'm going to take away your car then if you're, you know, and then it's just panic and it's freaking out and it's not, I don't feel like we're moving.
Of course if there's a safety concern, but. You know, I'm not finding that that's moving us forward anywhere or opening up dialogue between us and that sort of thing. It's, it, you know, it just is anger and then he shuts down and then there's no conversation, you know? Right. Right.
Brenda: Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a good experiment with him.
Now let's shift back to you a little bit because what you're doing just is not sustainable, right? No, [00:33:00]
Kelly: no, not at
Brenda: all. Mama can't keep going. No, at the rate you're going. So
Kelly: not with other two, two other kids, you know,
Brenda: no. So your sleep sounds like it, it could use some help. Is there another? I think
Kelly: just carving out more time and focusing on my energy on something that I'm excited about and feel positive about and is for me.
Brenda: What would, what could that look like? What's, what are some things that you've left behind that light you
Kelly: up? Um, well, I actually, well, I was a counselor and I'm actually training this year to be a parent coach, uh, a positive discipline parent coach, and I just have not been able to. work out like I want to and get things going and that sort of thing.
And so that I feel like that would be so rejuvenating to me if I could [00:34:00] just carve out time and even if it's a couple hours a week, you know, to be able to, to focus something on something fun for me and exciting for me.
Brenda: When did
Kelly: you used to do that? Well, it's just been this year and it's whenever I can sneak in a time here or there, um, but I only have till October, so it's, you know, it's coming up.
Brenda: Nice. Is there, is there a time that you can think of right now that maybe you're spending either worrying about your son or, or doing stuff for him that he might be able to start taking on himself where you could say, Hey family, not just him, but everybody in the family. I'm starting to take better care of myself.
I know this is sound, it's going to sound crazy to you all, but mom's going to start taking care of better care of herself. So I'm going to need you guys to do this one thing so that I can spend some time over here. Like is there a way that you think you could sort of reorganize [00:35:00] family time or your time where you could start getting that on the calendar for yourself?
Kelly: I think so. And I need to make that a goal. And I think I, I think if I just put it out there and tell them, like, this is, you know, important. And this is the time we're going to do it. You know, I think, um, and if I leave the house and go do it somewhere else, um, you know, that that yes, yes, because the other doesn't work, um, at least not until they're back in school.
So I think that I think that they would. Make it happen at least not, you know, stop me, right?
Brenda: Right. Yeah So and and that's something that you may actually like have to put in your calendar Put in your husband's calendar just so that you Yeah.
Kelly: Cause I think I've just been like, Oh, I'm too tired. I'm too, but I think I'm too tired cause I'm just doing this, you know, and I need, even though this it's work, it's something that would kind of fill me back up.
I think where I've been [00:36:00] so depleted for a couple of years. Yeah,
Brenda: absolutely. And that sounds like such a great, um, thing to be working toward too. What has worked for you in the past as far as getting good sleep? You know,
Kelly: I, I, you, I would say before like leaving the house and going sleeping somewhere else, but that doesn't even work anymore.
Um, you know, I'm just constantly always worrying, wondering, you know, I've tried, I've tried just about everything and I don't know how to turn my, I guess my brain off to. Not be on the alert. Yeah. Um,
Brenda: you know? Yeah. Well, you've been, you've been in the fight or flight mode for so long that your body doesn't know how to get out of that.
Right. Do you fall asleep and then wake up or do you have a hard time falling asleep?
Kelly: Oh no. I can easily fall asleep. Okay. So it's
Brenda: the waking up. Yeah. Yeah. And then I don't know if you're like me, but at two or three in the morning, everything is a crisis. Even the fact that I might not have [00:37:00] turned on the dishwasher becomes a crisis.
Okay. You're right. Um, if it's okay, I could give you one thing that I did that has changed. Sure. Um, my, yes. My mental pattern, which is I have a little pad of paper just like this next to my bed and before I go to bed, I write down everything that's in my brain. Okay. Whether it's the dishwasher, whether it's the.
Whether it's global warming, whether it's war, like every little thing the dog needs to get vaccinations because it's all up here, right? It's all swimming up here in our brain. And so I call it my evening brain dump and I literally have padded paper next to my bed and I write down every single thing. It usually looks like a huge scribble.
Sometimes I doodle and I just. Dump it all in there. That does tend to help [00:38:00] me not wake up, but if I do wake up, I remember, Oh, it's all there. It's all there. Okay. I don't have to worry about it. I can go back to sleep. Right. Because it's all there. Right. And if you forget something, you can just like leave a pen next to it so you can write it down.
It sounds really simple and it may be stupid, but it does tend to help that feeling when you wake up. So, if that sounds like something you would be willing to try,
Kelly: you could try that. I will try anything. Well, and I think too, just you talking about reminding myself that we're not in crisis mode right now.
You know, like there are positive things that, cause I think that that's, I think as moms, we feel like we got to like be on the alert because we have to save and protect. And, you know, what if he's smoking now? And what if he does this and he doesn't get up that and just realizing like it's a slow process.
It's day to day that if we keep talking about the [00:39:00] positive and moving forward, then I am. I'm not being neglectful. I'm not, you know, laying down on my watch. Yes. I'm still addressing it, but just in a way that's going to probably feel more, more peaceful to me and to him.
Brenda: Yeah. And transferring that to him because he will pick up on the positive vibes, right?
He will pick up on, yeah, my mom seems to feel a little bit better. I don't know what that's about, but she seems to feel like being a little bit better. Right. And verbally. You know, giving him positive reinforcement, that's something that's so hard to remember to do all the time, but it sounds like there's some great stuff going on.
You know, if you do wake up and you hear him going into the garage or whatever, it's okay. It's okay. He's home. Right. He's safe. That's true. Right. It's okay. It'll change. [00:40:00] It'll change. Right. It's not going to be like this forever. This is where you are. Today, it's not going to be like that forever. Instead of thinking, Oh, am I a bad mom?
I'm letting my kids smoke in the garage, you know, just how did you read my
Kelly: brain?
Brenda: Lay there and think it's okay. I've got a great kid. He's working on a lot of stuff. It's not going to be like this forever. In 10 years, I'm going to look back and go, Oh, I'm glad I kept the relationship with him. I'm glad I kept communication going.
I'm glad I did that crazy experiment with him, right? And yeah, and know that that's just where you are today and there's nothing wrong with that. Could it be better? Of course. Could I be better? We all could be better and we want you to be better. Just relates to him and shows to him, okay, my parents aren't [00:41:00] perfect and they want me to be perfect.
My parents are human and flawed. as am I, and we're all just working on being better. Does that make sense? It does. It does. Yeah.
Kelly: No, it's very
Brenda: helpful. Okay. Well, I can't wait to hear how your, um, your no talking about substances experiment goes.
Kelly: I feel like I'm going to be on vacation. Like I'm excited. You are.
You
Brenda: are. Yeah. Yeah. And then do something super fun at the end of it with the promise that you will dial it back. And maybe you come to like phase two of the experiment together, right? You kind of ask him, well, how did that feel? What was a benefit for you and you could share the same. And then maybe there's a phase two, who knows?
Um, if he would do yoga with you, that would be fantastic. But working on the sleep just as that first domino and calendaring in your time to work on your, your, is it a certificate that you're working toward?
Kelly: A parent [00:42:00] coach, that's not a certificate, but it's through a professional who trains. Awesome. So
Brenda: it's a program.
Awesome. Oh my gosh. You have to get that done. That just sounds so great. And so it would be so rewarding for you.
Kelly: Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to give back and help other parents who've been through stuff that like I have. So yeah. Yeah.
Brenda: Amazing. All right. Well, I'm going to check in with you and see how it's going and have.
Thank you so much. Yes. You're so welcome and have a good evening and make sure and go tell that boy how much you love him and how great he's doing.
Kelly: Okay. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
Brenda: Okay. We'll talk to you soon. Okay. Bye. Okay, my friend, that is it for today. Remember you can find all the guest information and resources we talked about in the show notes and those are at brendazane.
com forward slash podcast. We also have some playlists there that we created for you, like the top 10 episodes, coaching episodes, recovery stories, all the good stuff. And if you [00:43:00] haven't already, you may want to download a free ebook I wrote called hindsight. Three things I wish I knew when my son was misusing drugs, it'll give you some insight as to why your child might be doing what they are.
And importantly, it gives you tips on how to cope and how to be more healthy through the rough times. You can download that free from BrendaZane. com forward slash hindsight. Thank you so much for listening. Stay strong and be very, very good to yourself. And I will meet you right back here next week.