Coaching A Mom Pushed To Her Limits, with Olivia
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@hopestreamcommunity.org
Instagram: @hopestreamcommunity
Guest: Olivia, real mom & Hopestream Community member
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About this episode:
Long before Olivia became a single parent, she was forced to face her own trauma. The heartbreaking challenges she's faced since then have piled an incredible amount of stress onto an already complex life. If you've been through the wringer with a challenging child and it feels like no one else could possibly understand your journey, Olivia's story is a reminder that the Hopestream Community is full of people who DO truly get it.
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Brenda: [00:00:00]
You're listening to Hope Stream. If you're parenting a young person who misuses substances, is in a treatment program or finding their way to recovery, you're in the right place. This is your private space to learn from experts and gain encouragement and support from me, Brenda Zane, your host and fellow mom to a child who struggled.
This podcast is just one of the resources we offer for parents. So, after the episode, head over to our website at hopestreamcommunity. org. I'm so glad you're here. Take a deep breath, exhale, and know that you have found your people. And now let's get into today's show. Hello, my friend. It is coaching episode day.
When I had this conversation, I was reminded that I [00:01:00] may need to remind you that your ship cannot go down. You are going to hear the unimaginable load single mom Olivia is carrying today. And also how she struggles with taking time for herself to recharge, even though she is pretty good at self care. I may have talked about this before, but the cumulative burden of chronic stress and life events is a real thing.
It is called allostatic load. And when your challenges exceed your ability to cope, then allostatic overload ensues and your ship is at risk of going down. There are some really cool charts about allostatic load, and you know I love that stuff, but since this is a podcast, I can't share them with you, but trust me, this is a real thing.
This isn't just you being weak or incapable, and to counteract this allostatic overload, you've got to have some buffers and tactics in [00:02:00] place to keep your resilience up. You'll hear how I talk with Olivia to make a plan that will, at least in the very short term, buttress her resilience and allow her to gear up for some very difficult decisions she has in her future.
We talk through using the SURF communication technique so that she can make a very specific request of her 17 and a half year old son and a lot more. You'll also hear how the cumulative effects of trauma, both for her and her son are playing a big part in his current situation, which involves daily use of THC concentrates.
Ambiguity around school, an on and off again relationship with therapy, and a host of other things getting in the way of getting hemp help and healthy. Again, please take this as your prescription to work toward getting yourself whole, getting yourself healthy. It is not optional. And I share with Olivia during this conversation [00:03:00] exactly why that is.
Here we go. Enjoy.
Welcome, Olivia, to HopeStream. Thank you for agreeing to do a coaching episode. These are really important, um, because there's not really any other time when you get to drop in on somebody else's conversation with a coach, which is different than a therapist. Um, You know, coaching is much more sort of action focused, take you where you are, building on that and really pulling out of you stuff that you already know because you are the expert in you.
I'm certainly not the expert in you, um, but I can help you try and locate some of the stuff within you that might just be a little bit dormant [00:04:00] or you just haven't accessed that part yet. So anyway, thanks for being here. You're welcome. Thank you for having me. Let's just talk a little bit about, um, where you are with your family.
You're welcome to go into as much or little detail as you want, just to give us a snapshot of who you are and what, um, is going on in your family. What brought you to Hope Student Community and to wanting to chat today, and then we'll dive
Jennifer: in. Well, I, gosh, I've been a single mom now for quite some time. I have two kids, one 19 and off to college, another that is 17, and why I joined HopeStream, been on quite the journey with him for, um, about 13 and a half.
So he's
Brenda: 17, uh. In high school, I
Jennifer: assume, or? Yes, he's in high school. He is technically supposed to start his senior year in a couple of weeks on August 15th, I [00:05:00] believe. And between COVID and his substance abuse and mental health, he hasn't really been in school properly since seventh or eighth grade. Some really traumatic things happened.
Um, his dad isn't in the picture. Not really, even though he has spent some time with his dad. When we got divorced, their father wasn't very present. We were supposed to do co parenting, that did not really happen. And in fact, not only did it not happen, I was accused of parental alienation. I got all four of us, attempted to get all four of us into therapy.
And, uh, my ex husband wouldn't show up for that. And so that sort of just started a really terrible journey for my kids. Um, And it was just been a bumpy road ever since. Both of them believed that everything was perfect in their life. And then the divorce happened and it was, so it was a huge trauma. Yeah.
Both my kids [00:06:00] stopped going to therapy. And their father, even though he was local, um, the timeshare really fell apart. He didn't stick to a routine. He traveled a lot. He had, uh, got a girlfriend before we were even... Really out of the same house. There was just a lot of, just a lot of bad decisions over and over and over again.
Uh, he also has traumatic brain injury. So the kids grew up, um, gosh, from the age of four and six. More for my daughter than my son, with a different father that came home after the brain injury. And their dad had a girlfriend, got married, had a baby really quickly. I think this all happened between, you know, the first like two years of us separating and getting divorced.
And it had a little boy, I think was really difficult for my son. And his dad also struggles with sepsis abuse on top of a brain injury. There's a lot. There's a lot. And therapy just wasn't consistent. So my kids would refuse to get in the car and [00:07:00] go. So then I eventually stumbled across this coach, this family coach.
And the gift of him was that he would get in the car and come to your house. And it was brilliant because I... At the end, I was just getting in the car and going to my kids' therapy sessions because I paid for them . I would just get parenting advice and then eventually she was like, yeah, this isn't gonna work.
So then I had the coach come in and try to help. Um, but at this point there was just so much blame and, um, accusation towards me. And I was just trying to work full-time, take care of my kids full-time, get them to all their sports, and my son started experimenting with marijuana around 13. And a half, he was the golden child, great at all the sports, super charming, had all the friends, um, all parents and teachers just loved him.
But I did notice, um, between fifth and sixth grade when the divorce was happening that he started to get really sad and depressed [00:08:00] and his friendship stayed the same. But I think, like I said, around that 13 and a half thing, something, just a light switch, also just different. Yeah. I think it was partially hormones, partially the fact that dad wasn't around.
It was just a perfect storm, and so him and I were like two peas in a pod. We just copacetic, got each other, really got along. I don't know, we would just have the best, longest conversations, and he really didn't want to have anything to do with me. He became really angry and resentful, um, and there was a lot of anger, and that anger really hasn't gone away.
And so I still deal with that today, but I was just doing my best over the last several years. And then for part of that time, my ex husband didn't speak to my daughter for two or three years. So it was just constant cleanup, it felt like for me. Right. One kid would, would be on the in with their dad and then one kid wouldn't and just, just [00:09:00] caused just so much turmoil all the time.
Yeah. And I didn't really have family support. So I was just pretty much on my own, navigating this as best I possibly could with my own therapist, a family coach, and definitely made plenty of mistakes along the way. My son, he basically has been truant pretty much non stop except for when he was excused for rehab or There were times where I finally got my ex.
I had to call several people. I got so desperate I think this was my daughter's senior year of high school. So it would have been his sophomore year He was getting more and more aggressive There were, um, the concentrate, you know, went from experimenting at 13 and a half probably by 15, he was daily using all day, every day.
Yeah. And he was starting to, I didn't realize at the time, have psychotic breaks. Um, then there was, I think, one or two, I didn't know what to do. Uh, so one or two stints and a holding. [00:10:00] You know, where then I went and picked him up after because I'm like, there's nothing wrong with him except for say, you know, marijuana induced psychosis.
Except for that THC thing. Yeah, except for that and anger and they kept saying that he has that obstinate or I forget what it's called. Yeah, ODD. Yes, but I got a little scared when one morning he threw a water bottle at my, a heavy metal water bottle. My daughter's head while she's trying to get ready for school and we'd already had broken windows and holes in the wall and lots of things and I asked, you know, I asked friends for help.
I had a dad come over and try to talk some sense of nothing. And, you know, I also, my ex would not get on board for rehab. So after calling several people, he ended up coming, um, to call some of his friends and family members and be like, Oh, this isn't okay for our daughter. Like, I need your help. I don't know what to do.
I need you on board with something. So he came and he got them. That turned [00:11:00] into about five months, I think. Or no, a few months. I don't know. And then he would come back and then it would happen again. I just survived it, honestly, over the last couple of years. Worked with the schools, got testing, IEPs, whatever, under the sun, and just never really got anywhere.
And then finally, last December, things just got really bad again, um, you know, disheveled, not taking care of himself. I had to call the police, you know, he's having a psychotic, er, looks like a psychotic event due to marijuana, you know, please come help. Which is always very hard to do. I have a really hard time doing it.
It's
Brenda: excruciating.
Jennifer: Yeah, so with that he ended up in the hospital. I, I used a coach to help guide me even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had several people guide me through the process of Refusing to pick him up and they gave him child support service or child services, child services.[00:12:00]
He ran away from the person right away in the parking lot as soon as they picked him up. Yeah. Of course. And so then he just spent the weekend couch surfing, begging, crying, pleading. And eventually his dad came down and helped me get him down to Southern California from Northern California. It was a very painful, long drive.
Um, we did late at night with, um, My son, you know, screaming and yelling at me then pretty much almost the entire way and the dad hadn't witnessed that all sorts of names and aggression and they eventually had to switch because it was becoming dangerous for me to drive and anyway, two months in, in rehab where they tried different medications and therapy and unfortunately they were understaffed and we didn't get the family therapy that they needed.
Was supposed to be part of the consistent family therapy that was supposed to be part of the program And he eventually got kicked out for aggressive. Mm hmm. [00:13:00] I think called aggressive behavior. He would disturb other people He would have the highs and lows They tried two different medications over one the first month one the second month both of them were not good fits at all And so he was released to me in Perfect
Brenda: February.
What a
Jennifer: great solution. Yeah, and then I got him a new place Over a couple of, you know, it took me a couple of weeks, um, there was wait lists and then his dad was out of the country and I needed his signature because we share custody, so I wasn't able to get him in. So my son had been diagnosed at least through this really wonderful lady and the rehab with OCD, trauma, PTSD from when dad had brain injury when he was little.
Um, and then the marijuana use disorder, I think I got them all. Oh, anxiety and depression. Um, and so it's just this vicious cycle. Yeah. Truthfully, I'm, I'm at this place where [00:14:00] I am just completely depleted, exhausted. Um, I'm depressed. Oftentimes, I just... Can't imagine why. Yeah. So anyway, I can go on and on.
There's way too much backstory to get into, but at this point he turns 18 in early November. I am counting the days. I just can't live with him anymore. I want to. I want to help him, but it's like, it's just this roller coaster. I offered rehab. He doesn't even want to go. I also don't want to fight him. I don't want to fight his dad.
I got him into the OCD all day program because that was supposed to be a compromise. He didn't, he wouldn't get out of the car. Three times we showed up, really great program, didn't want to take it. Um, so in his head, he thinks he's going to start school with no new tools. He's never been successful at school in the past.
I don't see any new tools like he's using daily again. He's able to do a job. It's at Nordstrom's. He does, [00:15:00] but he does fulfillment. So I don't think he has to interact with a whole lot of people. Yeah. Um, but oftentimes he is very upset the next day or exhausted and I never know where I'm going to hit that cycle with him.
So I basically live behind a locked door in my bedroom slash office. I walk on eggshells all the time, even driving him to therapy yesterday. Uh, he. I don't always feel safe in the car. Sometimes I'll remember to stick him in the back of the car, ask him. Yeah.
Brenda: Yeah.
Jennifer: But I will take him to therapy, even with him screaming and yelling at me and calling me names.
Like everything from the C word to the B word in my face, he's trying to film me and antagonize me. I've had to pull over. So it was starting to be one of those, it was a 10 minute drive. I just took all my strength just to breathe, get him into the therapist's office. It's a new therapist that he says he wants to see because at some point I said.
I gave him the, you know, I'd love to support you, I'd love to continue living with you. I've been [00:16:00] planting the seed that we're not going to live together for a while. Right, right, right. You know, guided by the coach that he refuses to see and speak to. So he refuses to sit down with me, but when I can sort of get it in from time to time, he's hearing me to a certain extent.
But then he just comes at me with anger and resentment and aggression. And I still am a single mom supporting. I have two children on my own and I, yeah, I'm just depleted. So, but where I'm having issues is, or where I've always had issues is I'll, I'll start with a boundary and I always end up giving it somewhere.
And the kids know that. Yeah. He knows that. Right. So I think there's part of him that's like, is she really going to do this? Is she really going to follow through? And there's been times where I have fallen through boundaries and there's been other times where I haven't. And so I am inconsistent and I realize that's not fair to the kids.[00:17:00]
Um, especially my son, but I also think like, I can't do this anymore. And I'm so, but that guilt just keeps me questioning instead of being resolute and saying, I'm going to do this. And then something episode happens and then I'm, you know, not functioning myself. I just
Brenda: have to say, you've done so much right by, you know, having your own therapist, get finding a coach, trying to get them engaged in therapy and all of that.
Like that's all that foundational work that is so critical because you're almost to the point where you're going to need to start Kind of by process of elimination like okay, we tried this and here was the result It's not that it didn't work, but here was the result of that at that time Maybe even with that person, but let's just talk for a minute about you [00:18:00] because As we know, you are the mothership.
Nothing's gonna happen without the mothership being, um, intact. Go ahead. And so, as you are really working to figure out what, what's gonna happen next, um, And I, I know you just a teeny tiny bit because we've been on some calls. I feel like you're pretty good at self care, but what, what is holding the mothership together at this point?
Jennifer: Hmm. That's a good question. Um, yes, I am pretty good at self care on the daily, you know, on a daily basis. Getting out for hikes or a swim or yoga, meditation, uh, if I can't sleep in the moment, I have my sleep aids, which are a book with a lamp or insight timer, ready to go with my earbuds, you know, on my bed.
Yeah. I have a great partner. I mean, I'm [00:19:00] in between therapists right now, but I still am in touch with enough therapists who they have some as friends. So I'm kind of band aiding it while I look for a new one, um, which is. Really challenging right now. Yeah, so I'm okay with the day to day But what I mentioned the other day to you one of the calls was it's and I'm working on this But it's the cumulative effect of all of this.
Yeah. Yeah, and so I can recover in the moment to a certain extent I know all the mantras and I know all the right things to do. It's just I feel like I can't keep going on Yeah at this level. Yeah And it's the living together. It doesn't seem good for him and it doesn't seem good for me, but there's, I can always talk myself in or out of things pretty quickly.
Yeah. So it's like, and I can fantasy bond. So I, you know, my kid, I love it and I want him to do the best and I can read these books and [00:20:00] encourage change and all those wonderful things. Right. You know, he's, he's very adamant. I want to go to this. I want to go to my school for my senior year and I can do it.
Right. And I'm going to go. Right. And I'm like, okay, but I, history has taught me, experience has taught me, day to day is teaching me. Um, I mean, he left his new therapist yesterday. Awesome. She also is still in training. Like I, I, it's really hard to also find a therapist. Oh, therapists are, yes, very hard to find.
Very hard to find. Um, I can hardly get anyone to call me back. But, because I know there's a crisis, especially with, um, youth. Yeah. But I just keep coming up against this, but I just don't think I have it in me energetically, mentally, physically. I just don't think I can sign up for another year of school.
Right. And so, or, and, and the reason I'm saying that is because I'm also up against [00:21:00] renewing a lease or not. And? And I really don't want to do another year. Um, also don't want to pay for an expensive house in the Bay Area for, for, you know, no children coming to be with me or not sure what's going to happen with my son.
And, you know, I've been working really hard to be able to afford this community and the life that they have. So, I personally want to move in with my partner. Um, but there's definitely, I would never bring my son there. Not in a million years for, we, he's tried, we've tried, but this is, this is beyond our skill level.
And I want to be better trained in OCD and how to deal with that, but it's like, there's so many layers. There's the OCD layer, the anxiety layer, the marijuana that makes everything worse that feeds into the anxiety. So all of that cycle tells me that he's going to get to school where he has major social anxiety now.
How are they going to do a full load and show up [00:22:00] day by day, still using? But nothing really has changed. At what point do I keep just being the piñata or the punching bag? Right. Right. And that's what I feel like I am. And so I don't know how to still love him, offer him the best opportunities. I guess I'm at the point where I need to put my oxygen mask on.
Brenda: Hi, I'm taking a quick break to let you know some exciting news. There are now two private online communities for supporting you through this experience with your child or children. The stream community for those who identify as moms and the woods for guys who identify as dads. Of course, this includes step parents and anyone who is caring for a young person who struggles with substance use and mental health.
The Stream and the Woods exist completely outside of all social media, so you never have to worry about [00:23:00] confidentiality. And they're also ad free, so when you're there, you'll be able to focus on learning the latest evidence based approaches to helping people change their relationship. With drugs and alcohol in both communities.
We have a positive focus without triggering content or conversations, and we help you learn to be an active participant in helping your child move towards healthier choices. You'll also experience the relief of just being able to be real. Connect with other parents who know fully what you're going through and have battle tested mentors alongside.
You can check out both the stream and the woods for free before committing. So there's no risk. Go to HopeStreamCommunity. org to get all the details and become a member. Okay, let's get back to the show.
I think you're right. The first order of business is [00:24:00] to get your oxygen mask on without the guilt to say, I have to take care of myself. Not only so that You're more able to take care of him now, but so that in three years or five years, you're still standing when he is through this so that he doesn't go, Oh, my mom is gone.
He's going to need you. And so you're actually doing him such a favor by taking care of yourself right now. Um, because he is going to come out of this, I'm, I've seen it so many times, I'm just going to put that into the universe. And he's not going to, if he looks and you're destroyed, he's going to know he had a part in that.
And it is so hard, but we, we say we have to be the ones when [00:25:00] we're with them, even if we have to fake it a little bit to be strong and to be. Saying, that's why we have our group, right? That's why we have the streamer. You've got Al Anon, or you've got your therapist and a combination of all of those friends and family where you can go and fall apart.
And they, and it sounds like, you know, obviously this is more complex than what we can work on in an hour. But if you had to think of like one thing that you wanted to shift to be able to help you make some of these decisions, because you've got some big decisions looming. Turn it. With your boundaries, they're not consistent necessarily, so when you aren't able to hold them, what is typically getting in the way of you not holding and kind
Jennifer: of just caving?
I think it's because I go to the future and set up the present moment, if I had to guess. So, [00:26:00] like, for example, yesterday's example of taking him to therapy, it started before the therapy appointment. I knew he forgot. I escaped, I changed my whole schedule around and when he doesn't work, he will just gain all day.
So I could hear him on the computer. He doesn't have good, um, eating habits. So he'll go all day. And, um, it was getting close to that. So I was just sent a text, even though we're in the same house. Are we, am I still giving you a ride to therapy? And then that gave him permission to come bang on my door and You know, feed me, there's no food in the house.
And then I reminded him, well, a few days ago I went to the grocery store and asked you for your grocery list. You didn't provide it, and there is actual food in the house, so please feed yourself and let me know, you know, if you want me to take you at [00:27:00] the time, I think it was 2. 45. And he backed off a little bit, but he was calling me incessantly and I had to, you know, turn off, put on, do not disturb, I'm in a meeting, which I really was.
And so that was all fine. However, I, I think part of me, like this other part of me is like, no, at some point I just got to be like, no, I'm not giving you a ride. I think with this, like it's already, I could already see where this was going. That's right. So then when it was time to go, we get in the car, he was pleasant for a few minutes, and then he says, I'm not going unless you take me to get me food first.
And then I get stuck, but you know, I go to the, that future place I go to is like, well, I want to get him to therapy. I just want to therapy. Yeah. Okay. He's willing to go to therapy. Yeah. We put all this work into it. I changed my whole schedule. It's just, I like fixate on that end goal. Yeah. Instead of the boundary of, Yeah.
Which I've already said, I don't feel safe. Like not in that moment, but Right, right. I shouldn't be getting in a [00:28:00] car with someone that's behaving this way and threatening and demanding and calling me names , like there's so many boundaries that have been crossed, the demanding that immediately you are crazy.
You're AB, you're A, yeah. C. Yeah. You know, you're the most miserable person I know. Just I'm just asking for food, you know? That's where that goes. Yeah. Yeah. Where is the balance? Yes. Somewhere along the line, I've completely lost a boundary. And then there's other days where I will hold the boundary. Right.
And then what ends up happening is I get a, someone screaming and yelling and banging on my door while I'm trying to work. Sure. Yeah. So I balance back and forth between surviving, which if I'm surviving, then obviously I can't hold my boundary. Yeah. Yeah. So there's the, there's, that's what I live in and that's why I'm inconsistent.
Brenda: Yeah, that's very realistic. That's very realistic. And I think [00:29:00] also, um, it could be that you're just, because you are getting close to the end of the rope, that you're probably just so exhausted too. So between wanting to do something that you know could be beneficial for him. Something that you've completely altered your life around and, and being exhausted.
That's just a trifecta of not going in a good direction. So yes, if you could set up some expectations with him, um, and we use the surf communication tool to do this, which is. You keep it really simple. You're going to just communicate basically one thing. Provide some understanding is the U in, in surf.
So understanding could sound like, Hey buddy, I, you know, I've been, I've been pretty inconsistent with you. I just want to let you know, I recognize that. [00:30:00] Because that lowers his defenses. All of a sudden, it's not you against him. It's you coming alongside of him saying, I've been really stressed out at work.
I'm trying to figure out a lease. I'm concerned about your health. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever it is. But it's taking some responsibility. Like, I've been really, I just haven't been as present and as focused as I normally am. And then sharing your feelings, which would, could, could be, I feel really sad And hurt when you use aggressive language with me, when you swear at me, whatever you want to say.
So, you're telling him all of this with the hopes of making a request of him. Which is, obviously you can figure out what the request is that you want to make. Mm hmm. But, to me, what it sounds like is if you could at least get to the point where there is [00:31:00] that mutual... Respect to say, so all of that. So next time we have somewhere to go in the car, I'll only be going if I feel safe.
And if I feel like I'm not going to have to worry about having an accident on the road, because that puts me and you and other people at danger and just keeping it super simple, because a lot of times what we want to do is go in like. Because of this and because of that and da, da, da, da, and then the therapy would be really good and whatever, but it just, in that, and that could take three minutes, maybe side by side while you're driving to get him some food at some point or whatever, but in a setting that is not, we're going to sit down and have a talk.
It's just, you know, we're out for a walk or whatever. And, and that tool is really good for communicating requests because it, it [00:32:00] doesn't get you into a power struggle. You're taking some responsibility. You're telling him that you understand that things are probably pretty hard for him right now. Because that sounds like a pretty miserable way to live to me.
I can't imagine He's super happy.
Jennifer: No, he's miserable. And he tells me he's miserable. Yeah,
Brenda: I'm sure he does. And so that can be used for a lot of different things. But to me that for you not to feel like you can just get in the car with your son, even if he doesn't want to go, cause I think that's pretty common, but.
Um, not wanting to go and being aggressive and belligerent and disrespectful and making you feel threatened is not okay. Like 100 percent not okay. And you shouldn't be getting in the car with him. Even if, even if the therapy would be fantastic, that's not how the world works. So like he couldn't, he would get kicked out of an Uber, [00:33:00] right?
They wouldn't let him ride in an Uber like that. And also your, your tolerance level shifts a little bit because you're so used to it. Yes. And you don't have the contrast right now of your daughter being with you because she's at college. And so this is 100 percent yours and marinating in this negativity.
And don't have necessarily the perspective to say, Oh, hell no, you do not get to treat me that way. Not okay. I'm so sorry if I had, if I've been putting up with this, I just realized I'm not okay with that. So it's, again, it's not, I think you were in the boundaries workshop, weren't you, that we just had?
It's not you're this and you're that and you're me. It's, I just realized I cannot. Take that. I can't tolerate that. I wouldn't tolerate it from my partner. I wouldn't tolerate it from a bus [00:34:00] driver I wouldn't tolerate it from anybody. So I'm gonna do a reset. I need to let you know that right because we don't want to just Especially somebody who has some of these the OCD and the anxiety and depression sudden shifts are not healthy No, so and you may need to communicate that a few times right like I'm doing some work I'm gonna be making some changes I've realized that I've just been a little out of whack and I've been doing some things that don't feel okay with me.
So you're going to notice some changes. You may or may not like them. And we can talk about that as long as it's in a respectful way. And if it's not, then you just remove yourself. As you were talking about that not feeling safe and having to be behind a locked door, that just puts all kinds of hairs up on my back.
I'm like, this is not okay. Other stuff can be, yeah, other [00:35:00] stuff can like. You know, he sounds like a really good candidate for wilderness therapy, actually, if, you know, if he would agree to go, depending on when you could get him in, because there's so much good treatment there for all of his stuff. Just getting him, just a timeout for him to get away.
I agree.
Jennifer: Yeah. I agree. I think it would do wonders for him. I think the communication can work. Um, I'm fairly good at studying that and getting it, and I've tried different communication styles. I think the biggest... That's the thing when I think about it, because I feel like I keep trying different things.
And I love the reset thing. Um, for sure. I like that language. Biggest hesitation or obstacle I have is that I am just, I feel very exhausted. Yeah. And the part that he is very erratic, so I never know what I'm going to get. Right. Right. He's smart. He's ridiculously smart kid. And both my kids are very intuitive and energetic, and [00:36:00] I, I've tried to explain to them.
So I grew up in abuse. Uh, they also grew up with their raging, you know, brain injured father. It just takes me too long to recover. Like, I can logically stay, you know, certain, stay present, but the, I don't know. I think there's so many layers. I still think that I need to have a time out. I need some time away from him.
Yeah, so that I can, I don't want to use the word perfect, but practice and it'd be genuine, but I think I keep running in between. I don't feel fully grounded. So I feel like I'm up and down and up and down and up and down and depending on when you get me, I can feel completely like level set. But if I'm recovering from an episode, and sometimes I get one of his episodes, and I wish I wasn't like that.
I wish I could just stay fully steady and very present and not take it personally, [00:37:00] but because of my, and I work on it. I have been working on it for 20 years. My PTSD and the violence that I grew up in and the sexual abuse I grew up in and keeping them very separate But when I get in that moment and when he is manic, Oh triggering for you Yes, and you know He's put his foot through my windshield when I was driving him once and it's like I try not to bring those off I try to let those go but it's like yeah, so it's multi layered and I think I am just so far beyond Where I should be Does that make sense?
Yeah, a hundred
Brenda: percent. Is there anyone that you feel now you said that your mom would take him? That also kind of brings hairs up on the back of my . I don't know your mom obviously, but it doesn't necessarily sound to me like that would be a good idea if he's having these episodes. Unless you feel like she's [00:38:00] really solid or maybe he behaves differently around her.
That could be the case. 'cause a lot of times they
Jennifer: do. It's a hybrid. So she has spent the most time with him. She'll come when I've had to, I don't know, go on business trips or trips with my partner or things where I've gotten away for the weekend or just needed a break. So she's come and the only time he's shown some verbal aggression towards her is when she steps in and tries to defend me.
I'm also just willing to try it, just to even get a little bit of a break. It'd be a different place, a different routine. She lives on a river, my brother lives with her, a male influence, he's, my brother is excited. It, it would be different for them, but I think they're both excited and both talked about it.
We've talked about it extensively. Um, I've tried to get him out there for even just a weekend and I think there's some fear and he, you know, he thinks I'm going to abandon him because we've been talking about it loosely, but then he, he [00:39:00] took on a bunch of extra shifts. He's like, well, maybe this weekend, but I don't get a lot of communication from him.
I get the last minute communication from him like, Hey, well, I've got work in an hour. Can you take me?
Brenda: Yeah. Would it work to have kind of plan A and plan B so that either way you're going to get the time to say plan A is. We're going to go to my mom's house from this day to this day. And if last minute something changes, which often it does, plan B kicks in where your mom, your mom and your brother, whoever come to your house and you have a plan
Jennifer: of where you're going to go.
Yeah, they could.
Brenda: Because, you know, the reality is with the 17 and a half year old, you can't. You can't make him do anything. So, um, to, to rely on him just doesn't seem very predictable right now.
Jennifer: [00:40:00] So having that
Brenda: plan A and plan B and knowing to, and saying to yourself, I will be okay with either one of these.
I would prefer plan A, but I'm also excited about plan B and maybe, you know, you set some stuff up in advance. You really are excited about plan B, whatever it is. So that you don't feel like, uh,
Jennifer: I didn't get to do
Brenda: my thing. It seems like if you had a little bit of time away, not think about it. Do not make any plans related to him.
Just, that is your own time. Cause when you come back, you're probably going to need to have some plans in place. Or if school doesn't work out. And maybe it will, right? Maybe it will. We never want to make assumptions. But you have some evidence. There's a possibility that it's not going to go well. So having a plan B for that could be good.
And that could be working with your coach, or working with an educational [00:41:00] consultant, or somebody who can say okay, here's three different options and you're okay with all three of them and he gets to pick which one. Do you think that would be something you could work on in the next couple of days to really lock in Plan A and Plan B for Olivia's escape?
Jennifer: Yes, I could. Yep, I can work on that.
Brenda: We also have coaches in, in the Miss Shame community. If you want to tap in with somebody there, we've got some pretty badass mamas that are really good at boundaries that can even do some practicing and stuff with
Jennifer: you on that. Yes. I know I need work on that.
Brenda: It's hard.
Yes. It's so hard, especially if you have a history of abuse and trauma, then it's even doubly hard for you. So give yourself some grace on that. Because You, you have an extra layer of complexity sitting on top of all of that. I'm so glad I'll get to see [00:42:00] you on calls so we can check in on this and, um, you feel like you have some action plans?
Jennifer: I do. I think there's still the part of me that feels like plan A and plan B still feels like a bit of a bandaid. It
Brenda: is. It's because. It is just a band aid to get you, to get your tank refilled. It's not the plan for what are we going to do for my son? Because that's going to be more complex, right?
There's a lot of moving parts with that. Um, there are fortunately so many great. Um, his age is a little tricky and this, and there's, you know, ed consultants that are very skilled at that age range because it's so tricky when they're 17
Jennifer: and a half. When they're on that cusp, yes. Yes.
Brenda: But it 100 percent can be done and they've done it thousands of [00:43:00] times, which is the good news.
Um, so you can have some people walking alongside you, but again, the reason I want to kind of focus on that is because. When he does come through this and he looks at his mom, I want him to see strong mom, healthy mom, mom who is regulated, taking care of herself, not feeling guilty, knows how to hold a boundary, like all of that.
Because he's going to look at you someday and say, she got me here. I was so, I couldn't see it. I was so lean to her at times. I did all these things and I know this because I have received letters from my son who told me these things. You didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated you. You didn't deserve for me to do these things.
So to remove the burden of your [00:44:00] exhaustion and burnout from him will be really, really important. He needs to know that you're taking care of yourself independently from him, that he is not. The reason why you're locked in your office crying because you're able to handle it. But you can't do that if you're, if you're totally
Jennifer: burned out.
Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. We're going to stay
Brenda: tuned on this. We might have to do a follow up because I know everybody's going to, who's listening is going to be like, Wait, what happened to Olivia's getaway? We're going to, we'll do a follow up, but um, Okay. You have
Jennifer: a good
Brenda: weekend. Thank you.
Take really good care of yourself and we will see you online soon. Thank you so much. Okay, my friend. That is it for today. Remember, you can find all the guest information and resources we talked about in the show notes. And those are at brendazane. com forward slash podcast. We also have some [00:45:00] playlists there that we created for you, like the top 10 episodes, coaching episodes, recovery stories, all the good stuff.
And if you haven't already, you may want to download a free ebook I wrote called Hindsight, Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Misusing Drugs. It'll give you some insight as to why your child might be doing what they are, and importantly, it gives you tips on how to cope and how to be more healthy through the rough times.
You can download that free from brendazane. com/hindsight. Thank you so much for listening. Stay strong and be very, very good to yourself. And I will meet you right back here next week.