when addiction takes over: grieving your living child and normal life with Brenda Zane

Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @the.stream.community
The Stream Community: online and app-based community for moms of kids experimenting with or addicted to drugs or alcohol

Free ebook: “HINDSIGHT: 3 Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted to Drugs, by Brenda Zane. Download here

Show Transcript:

Brenda Zane

Welcome friends. Today I’m actually sharing an episode with you that I had not planned to share - I had a completely different episode planned for today that went along with an email series that I'm doing on boundaries, which I will shift for a couple of weeks out. So look for that. But for some reason, I just felt like maybe there are people who needed to hear this, this episode today. 

And it's a topic that's hard to talk about. But I think it's really important because so many of us with kids, either in addiction or who have who have lived that and are in a different space right now. We have this feeling, but we're really kind of ashamed to talk about it. And that's the feeling of loss and mourning. And we feel this way about our kids. We feel this way about the things in life that they're missing because of their addiction. And we're also sort of mourning the child that we used to know, for a lot of us there still a body walking around, but the person who's inside of it is not the person that you know. 

And this feeling of loss and sort of grieving this child that you used to know, is just so devastating. And it's so painful and sad. And I try to keep you know, the episodes here really informational and upbeat. But I just again felt like this was maybe somebody needs to hear this now. And, and so I want to talk about why this is important to acknowledge and then some thoughts on living through it. 

So for parents who have kids in active addiction, the only way I can really describe it is that it's like you're watching them commit suicide every single day. You have to watch your child kill themselves in slow motion, and I know that that might sound Extreme if you've never experienced this feeling, but if you're the parent of a kid who is actively using drugs in particular, heroin, fentanyl, opioids of any kind, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's this kind of torture that I wouldn't obviously wish on anyone. But it's also almost impossible to explain to anybody in any kind of way that's accurate. 

And at the same time that we're going through this sort of daily torture, we know that there are parents who have permanently lost their kids to overdose and to suicide as a result of, of drugs. And we know that we're luckier than them because our child is still technically alive. But the pain is so immense that we just sort of feel like we're drowning in sadness and despair and I really don't know of any other pain that's equal to that of having a child who is alive. But they're not. They're not reachable. Or, you know, they're not even able to recognize that they're this walking dead. And for a lot of them, they don't actually want to join the real world. Or at least they aren't doing anything, or showing us or talking to talking to us about wanting to change. And so you're watching your child in the situation, and they're the ones who are choosing to do that to themselves. And that's just so so painful. 

At the same time, you're watching their friends go to football games or proms. They're, you know, they're off, going to college visits and they're getting jobs are getting engaged and you are just trying to figure out who is selling your daughter heroin. You know, you're watching your son get tattoos on his neck and on his hands. And those are going to stay with him forever. And, you know, hopefully he's going to get through the season of life, and then he's going to get a try and get a job, and how is that going to work? And so we're just going through all of these thoughts. 

And we're so sad for the things that they are missing out on. And we're also sad for ourselves, because we're missing out on those things too, or we're really missing out on the normal of life. And when you're in a situation with a child like this, all you want is normal. You just want to have a normal problem. You just want to have a normal conversation. You would want to just have normal drama, like, you know, a daughter breaking up with a boyfriend and being sad about it or, you know, not being accepted to a college like those are problems that we would pay money to have. 

06:04

And it's, it's this madness that kind of makes you feel like you're living in this alternate reality most of the time, and you can see the normal world going on around you. But you're existing kind of outside the edge of that and you're looking in and you desperately want to break through to that insight into the place where people are sort of having these normal challenges and problems. And it's really not just the superficial things that we miss, like, you know, things that they're missing in high school or they're missing out on job opportunities. What we really truly are grieving is our child and the smile that they have, their personality, all the fun times that you have together that you're supposed to be having together. The laughter and the jokes and just the normal stuff that doesn't happen anymore. 

07:00

Because it's really like somebody kidnapped your kid, and they left this shell of a body with a really angry mean person inside of it. And you don't know who that is in there. But you know, they're not your child. And you know, they're not fun to be around. And you certainly know that that is not the person that you gave birth to, if you're if your mom and you really just feel like you want to rewind, because you want to see them again, you kind of want to smell their innocence and try to redirect their way. When we think about all of the things that we should have done that we could have done to make this not happen. And we spend a lot of time beating ourselves up for not being a better parent. And it's exhausting physically and emotionally. 

07:53

And we can get really focused on these fantasies and sort of daydreaming about you know, how like should be, and really being sad about what isn't in our life anymore because of what our kids are going through. But what I have found is the more I allowed myself to think about all the things that I was missing, and all the things that my son was missing, I just kept feeling sadder and angrier, and more hopeless. And so that's really why I wanted to talk about this today, because I'm hoping that I can help give you some perspective, and some ideas on how to make it through each day when your child's lost in another world. But you can still see them right in front of you. And that's the contrast. That's the really difficult part. 

08:42

And so first, I think it's important to consider the fact that you have a child with a terminal illness, and any parent with a child in that situation would be grieving. And I talked about this as a terminal illness because you're trying could die of this illness if they don't get the help that they need in time. And they may not die of this illness if they get the help they need in time. But you live every day, day to day in a state of mind that they could die today, or tomorrow, or next Tuesday. And that's a massively traumatizing way to live. And it's important to acknowledge to yourself how scary that is. And think about how many other parents do you know, who are living hour by hour not knowing if their child is alive or dead? And so give yourself some grace here and accept the fact that you're in a really, really excruciating situation. And so if you're sad and angry and your brains not working, and you're just completely exhausted, that's okay. How could you not be those things? 

10:02

And I know that when you when you live this life for a while, maybe you're going on yours as I did, you start to adjust your reality. And so living like this becomes normal living with this child in this precarious situation just becomes normal and you forget how abnormal it is. So I just want you to take a minute and recognize that this is very abnormal. Most people are not living with this scenario with their kids every day. So just acknowledge that and give yourself some grace. And to some extent, you really should let yourself grieve some of the things that you've missed out on or that you've lost because of your child's substance use. 

10:50

In my many, many years of therapy, I learned to think about it like this. So I learned from my therapist, and just through life, that I couldn't survive day to day if I kept thinking through all of these things. And so what I started doing is thinking about it like a little box where I kept these valuable treasures. And so I literally in my mind pictured this little wood box - mine was wood, I don't know why. Maybe yours is metal or cardboard, or maybe it's a shell, I don't know what it is. But think about a little space where you can keep these really highly valuable treasures. And, and even though sometimes they made me sad, in order to be able to function in the world, do my job and parent, my other child, keep my relationship intact. I really could only let myself have this box and open it up every once in a while just for a short amount of time. And then I would have to close it back up and put it away. So I would just in my mind, take a few minutes and I would think about what my son, you know, what you might have worn to prom or what college he might have applied to or how fun it would have been to go on a trip to visit different campuses. Or I would imagine him coming home from school excited to tell me about something that happened. Or I just craved seeing him walk through the door, drop his backpack, which by the way, would not have had drugs in it, and play some video games with friends. 

12:28

So I will let myself think those things and I will let myself have those memories. But the trick is not to dwell there. So just have those moments smile, acknowledge those things, and then put them back in the box and close it back up. And then set it high up on a shelf in your mind or wherever in your own thinking feels like a safe space. And the reason why you need to do this is that keeping it open and reaching in all the time is just getting It'd be too painful to let you move through your days. But you have that. And you know, it's there if you need to open it. And that's a good thing, but it won't control your life. So that's one one thing that you might want to try. 

13:15

It also helped me to look at old pictures of my son in his sort of pre-trouble days. And I'd keep them on my phone so that when things got really ugly, and I didn't recognize this boy who was kind of storming and stomping around in my life, I will look at those pictures and I would be able to remember all of his good parts, I would see his amazing smile and the glitter in his eyes. And I just knew that I still had a chance to get him back. And it did not look hopeful for many years. So don't get me wrong. This was not just all you know, unicorns and rainbows. But I had heard people say that if my child was still breathing That there was still hope. And so I held on to that hope, and looking at positive pictures of him in a healthy state really did help. 

14:10

All this requires a massive amount of self compassion, and emotional control that it just doesn't naturally come to us, especially if you're a mom, we're really, really hard on ourselves. And so give yourself some time to figure this out. And just recognize that you're gonna have days when it literally feels like you cannot go on. And then you're going to have a day where you start to feel like maybe you're gaining a little bit of control and maybe you're trying the box concept and maybe you're you're starting to feel a little bit better and that will take you through the next 24 hours. 

14:50

Also I think is good to hear and to know that this is a season of life that is temporary and while we don't know what the outcome will be, there will be change, because change is the only constant in life, right, you hear that all the time change is going to happen. Some of it will be for the better, and some maybe for the worse. And you might also get some little gifts along the way. You might have moments where your son or daughter materializes out of the vapor of the world and the addiction that they're living in, and you get to see the real them. And maybe it's only just a moment. Or it could also be a period of time when they've gone to rehab and they've come back and maybe you've got weeks or months or even a year, where you have them back and you've got the real them and they're working on getting well and that time is such a blessing. 

15:48

And I'll tell you an interesting story just to just to share how this can happen. I had a really kind of shockingly real experience with my son when he was in a really dark Place a very desperate place. He was not living with me because he was using and I'd had to kick him out. And I hadn't seen or heard from him for weeks. And so I was in that place and that day to day place of not knowing if he was alive or dead. And it just felt so impossible to go on. And I was in my bedroom, I was trying to organize my closet. That was something that I would do when I was feeling overwhelmed is I would try to sort of put order into something in my life. And so my closet was always sort of the first place to go. And it would distract me from the reality of what was going on. So I'm organizing my closet and my phone rang. And when I grabbed it and looked at it, it was my son calling. And I was so shocked because if anything if you ever contacted me it was always a text message. And my stomach immediately sank because getting a phone call was usually really bad news. The only good part about that was at least it was not the 1-800 number from the jail. And so that was the only positive thing I could say about my phone ringing and having it be my son. So I answered the phone. 

17:15

And my son's voice sounded pretty normal and kind of late, like it used to. And he said, Hey, Mama, I just wanted to tell you something." And I would first of all was just so shocked to hear his voice and to hear him sound. Good. So I said, "Okay, what's up?" And he said, "you're gonna be a grandma!" in a really excited voice. And I almost dropped the phone. But honestly, that wasn't the craziest or worst or best news that I had ever gotten from him. And at least he was talking and he sounded really good. And so I said, "Oh, okaaaaaay." I was pretty sure he didn't have a girlfriend and stuff. So, you know, your mind goes into a million places. And this I was just like, Well, here we go. Here's another curveball in life. 

18:09

And he was quiet for a few seconds. And then he started laughing hysterically. And he said, "April Fool's!!" And I just literally collapsed onto the floor. And I almost started crying, but not out of relief, that I wasn't going to be a grandma, which was a relief. But because this just felt like a normal moment with a normal kid who would play a prank on his mom on April 1. And I was just so stunned. And I would love to say that, you know, from that point, things were better and everything went uphill. But they didn't. This was probably about a year at least a year before his overdose. That almost took his life. But you know, we talked for a few minutes, I kind of got over the shock. And, and we chatted and I don't even remember the rest of the conversation. But I know that I didn't see or hear from him again for a while. But that was a glimmer of normal. And so I still cherish that call. Because for that day and probably for that, I don't know week or so it allowed me just to keep going. And I knew my son, my son was still in that body. 

19:28

And so I tell you that because if you do get a moment with your child, if they do kind of appear through the fog and the all the drama of their life, just savor them. And don't give into the temptation to use that time for a lecture or a guilt trip, or anything that you feel like you want to sort of get out. It isn't going to solve anything and it's not going to change anything. Unless they're asking for it. And it's just gonna rob you of that fleeting joy that you might be able to capture and to put into your little box. So you're probably going to need that little gift down the road. So if they do appear and you do have a moment,   just take it and love them through it. 

20:19

I wish I had a worksheet or a guide or a top-10 tips for getting through this feeling of loss and grief and mourning but I don't. All I can say is that talk to other people who have been through this. Also a good therapist can absolutely be a lifesaver to help you through issues like this. They are so experienced in knowing how to really help you navigate the emotional drainage that comes from having a kid like this. But talking to parents who are also going through it is so important. Because they get it, they understand when you say that you are grieving, the the daughter that used to, you know, do ballet or the son who used to, you know, be the top goalie on the team, they get it. And so just knowing that you aren't alone and knowing that you don't have to go through this on your own, can be really, really powerful. 

21:21

That's it for today, folks. I know somebody needed to hear this because typically I don't go off script. But this one just came to me today and I wanted to share it with all of you. And if you are resonating with what I'm saying here, you are a unique parent who needs a lot of hugs and a lot of support. And if you're a mom in particular, I created a space online for us to talk about things like this and to support each other. And it's called the stream. It's not on Facebook. It's a group but it's not on Facebook. It's just a quiet, very supportive, non-judgemental space where we get really personal, we have weekly calls with each other where we can see each other and help each other through all of these really difficult things. So, if that sounds like something that would be interesting to you, you can go to my website, it's at BrendaZane.com/thestream. And you can learn more about it there. We would love to have you join us. 

22:24

And also, if you're interested in doing some more reading, I have an E-book that I wrote, it's called Hindsight: Three things I wish I knew when my son was addicted to drugs. And that's pretty self explanatory. So I will just let you download that and take a read through. You can also get that at my website. It's BrendaZane.com/hindsight. So take advantage of all the things that I did not know and I'm sharing with you in your journey. 

22:52

I want to say thanks so much for listening. If you have a second I would love it if you would leave a review and rate the podcast on either Apple podcasts or wherever you're listening if they have that option. What that does is it just helps kind of bump hopestream up in the different parenting podcasts and lets more moms and dads find it. So that would be awesome if you would do that. Thank you again and I will meet you back here next week.