re-building communication with a child misusing drugs or alcohol: words matter, with Brenda Zane
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
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Show Transcript:
Speaker: Brenda Zane
Welcome. Today's episode is going to be fairly practical. So some of my solo episodes are a bit more personal and emotional. But I felt like I needed to share this information about a way that you can help improve communication with your son or daughter. I would say that one of the top three challenges parents have when their son or daughter is misusing drugs or alcohol is that communication within the family just breaks down to the point where the only way you're having a conversation with your child is through yelling or screaming or insults. Or there's a lot of meanness in in the conversation. Or On the flip side, there just isn't communication. Everybody is kind of walking around on eggshells around each other, not wanting to talk because you just know that as soon as you bring something up, it's gonna turn into this big huge blow up. And that is a really, really stressful way to live. But luckily, there are some skills that you can learn to help open up the lines of communication. And so that is what we are going to be talking about today.
Okay, so let's get into some of these ideas on how you can have better communication with your son or daughter. And by the way, these tips work really, really well with spouses, co workers, parents, your other kids in your house. And those are also really, really good people to practice with. Because sometimes we think that we should be able to just read something or you know, listen to a podcast like this, and then just go and implement these skills successfully right out of the gate. And that would be great. And maybe some of you are able to do that. But communication is like anything else where you really need to practice it to have it feel natural, to be able to just sort of weave these skills into conversations without really having to think about them. So practicing with somebody where it isn't going to be highly emotional is a really, really good idea. And it will give you more confidence then when you do start going and using some of the skills with your challenging son or daughter.
Out of the many skills for better communication. I believe the best place to start is with open ended questions. This might sound deceptively simple, but I think as we get into some of this, you're going to see why and how it is so powerful open ended questions are. Ones that can't be answered with one word. So they naturally require some elaboration they invite the person that you're talking to to give context for their answer requires them to add some description and feelings back rather than just yes or no or some other non helpful answer.
This starts to make a conversation feel more like a collaboration rather than an inquisition. And I think a lot of our conversations with our challenging kids can feel more like an inquisition. So there's a big difference there, if you can move that into more of a collaborative discussion. Alternatively, asking closed ended questions actually makes more work for you. Because you're not going to get the answers that you're really looking for, which means you'll try again and again. And then in the end, you're really frustrated, and your son or daughter is frustrated, and they think you're crazy, because you keep asking these questions, and it's just not productive.
Then the second part of this technique is asking the right questions in an open ended way. This is a really, really important point, you need to be thinking about what is the information you need, that will help move things forward. And what information is just information that's only going to add fuel to the fire? Trust me, I know that it can be so tempting to get into every little nit-picky detail about your child's actions, there were about catching them in a lie, catching them in a half truth and really trying to dig into those and uncover all of the little details. The problem is those conversations don't actively move things into a more positive space, they actually just take up space and error without any sort of purpose.
So this is a two fold exercise, asking the right questions, and then doing it in a way that really fosters discussion versus shutting everybody down. So we're going to go into some real world examples of statements and questions that you might be using in your home. And I'll offer some alternatives that can offer a better chance at a conversation instead of having everything blow up. And something to note, these questions and these kind of conversation starters, will really vary in their viability, and in how realistic they are based on where your child is in their substance use journey. So a kid who's just experimenting, maybe they've tried a little bit of pot here and there and some alcohol and you're starting to get a little queasy in your stomach, that's going to be a very different situation than somebody who has a son or daughter who's been in active active addiction for, let's say, 10 years. So some of these may not work for you, but the concept is the same. So you may need to actually come up with your own version of these questions or your own wording, depending on where you are in the process.
07:56
And I want to share three important tips to overlay all of this. So think of this as sort of an overlay for what we're going to go into. Three really important things. The first is 1) be okay with a little bit of silence, right? Give them some time to think and to answer. Give them a little bit of space, that can make a big difference between them shutting down and having this flow of information come. Then the second 2) is don't make assumptions. Just because you've had a dialogue about something before, don't assume that you're going to get the same answer from your daughter or your son, teens and young adults are really trying to figure themselves out day to day. And they are constantly changing. And their minds are constantly changing and ambivalence is playing a huge role in what's going on, they would they want to do something and then they don't want to do something at the same time. So keep your mind open to what they're saying. And don't be afraid to ask a question again, maybe pose it in a different way, because you might get new information. And then the third overlay is 3) to stop thinking about what you're going to say next. So silence can be awkward. So if you are talking, you ask a question and they're silence, it can be really tempting and easy to ask that question and then immediately start thinking about what we're going to say when the other person stops talking. When we do this, though, it shows them that we're not actually really all that interested in their answer. And it causes us to miss the full impact of how they are answering. And this is not easy to do. But if you can just try to ask and then listen and don't worry about how you're going to answer the question or how you're going to respond.
09:55
Okay, so we're going to keep those three things in mind during any of these conversations. That you're going to have with your child. So let's start with some common statements and questions that parents use. And I'll give some examples of how you can shift that a little bit to get the information that you really want, and how you can ask for it in an open ended way.
So the first one is just an easy one, we use it all the time, we've been using it since our kids were in kindergarten, and that is, how is your day? Or how is school? So you've know the answer you're going to get, right? They're either going to say, Fine, or if they're a little older, and they're in this stage, they're gonna say it sucked. Those are usually the two answers that you're gonna get. So just try switching it up a little bit, you can say, what was the best part about your day? Or what was the worst part about your day? or What do you wish had gone differently today? Or is there anything that went right today? Right, so just digging a little bit deeper and asking them what you really want to know, which is, just tell me a little bit about what happened during your day. And that could even be what you say is tell me a little bit about what happened during your day? Again, you're just getting a little layer deeper, so that they're not able to answer with that one word.
11:10
The next one is, this is this is very common. If you're if your child is in high school, or potentially even Middle School, did you go to all of your classes today? And usually, this is asked in a tone of voice, which is very accusatory, and sort of demeaning, like, (yelling) “Did you go to all your classes today!?” Because often, they don't. So this is a closed question. They're either going to say yes or no. And it's really only going to lead to a battle. So a couple of ways that you could change this up is to really think about what information are you trying to get from them? You probably already know whether they went to class, so or what you're really trying to achieve is, you want for them to go to school, and you want them to get the learning that they need. So asking questions that really dig into that are going to be more effective. So question could be, What would make school more tolerable for you? because the reason they skipped classes, it could be that they have some learning challenges, or that they have a negative relationship with a teacher, or they are incredibly intelligent, and they're so bored at school. I know, in talking with so many of you, so many moms and dads, these kids of ours tend to be fairly brilliant. And I think a lot of times school is incredibly boring for them. So what would make school more tolerable? Or is there a way that you can think of that you learn better? Or how is the best way that you learn? You could also say if you know, just sort of in an imaginary way, if you only had to go to one class a day, what would it be? And then why. So this helps you learn from something that they do like, or at least something that they can tolerate? And the why is the really, really critical part of that.
13:14
So if they say, well, if I could only if I had to go to one class a day, I would go to ceramics, or I would go to history, or I would go to whatever it is, that gives you that's a door that you can then open and say, oh, cool, what is it about ceramics that you like, working with your hands? Is it the other kids in the class? Is it - whatever it is, that's a dialogue starter.
13:38
Another one is very, very common. Is the Don't you want to... question? Do you want to graduate from high school? Don't you want to feel better? Don't you want to be a part of this family? Don't you want to be able to get into a good college?. And again, the tone of voice is so so critical. But these are very common dialogues that happen. What you really want to know here in this question is, what do you want? What motivates you? What will you work toward? What would you actually put some effort into? And what do you value? So asking in a negative accusatory voice is not going to pull that out of them, it's only going to shut them down. And you're going to be back in the cycle of a battle.
14:25
So some different ways to find out this information, again, really looking at what the information is that you want, is you could say, when have you been most afraid? What do you fear the most? And that answer is going to tell you something about something that they value or something that they don't want to lose. If you ask them, What do you fear the most. You could also say, what what would you consider to be a really big compliment? Like, how could I pay you a really big compliment? Or if somebody said something to you, would you consider that to be a really big compliment, this will tell you things that they value about themselves and things that they really would like to see in themselves. Another question could be, what do you think is an important habit that everybody should have? So that's gonna get it some insight about what do they care about, what do they think is really important in life? There's another one that's kind of fun that you that you could try to say, if I gave you $1,000 today, and you could spend it on anything but yourself, or drugs and alcohol, what would you do with it? And I know it depending on the openness of your, your relationship, and where you are, that might be too much to ask. But if you have an open relationship where you know that they're using, and they know that you know, that they're using, this can be really, really incredible to ask, you know, if I gave you this $1,000, and you could spend it on anything except yourself, or drugs and alcohol, what would you do with it? This will really help reveal what and who they care about outside of themselves, and their current habit and their current day to day life? Even if they said, Well, I'd give it to my dealer to spend, you can dig into that. What is your dealer like? What do you think he would do with it? Is there anyone else that you think could use it? Do you think there's anyone else who would be able to use $1,000? Right? So it's opening a dialogue, even if you don't like the answer, even if it's a really crappy answer, at least it gets a conversation going. And then another one would be if you could have lunch with anyone who's dead or alive tomorrow, who would it be? And when they answer this, it will just give you information into the type of people that they're interested in. And then you can follow up with a why, if they just give you a name, if they say, Joe, say, Why Joe? What is it about Joe that would want you that would make you want to have lunch with them. So you're just getting at the actual information that you want, rather than putting a statement out there that is going to be met with a lot of anxiety and angst.
17:14
The next series of questions I call the guilt trippers. So these are the questions like, why are you doing this to me? Can't you see you're killing me? Or Can't you see you're killing your mother? Or can you see that you're killing your father? I've done so much for you. And this is how you treat me. Or you weren't raised this way, why are you doing this to us? Okay, so these are all very gilt trippy type questions. And as much as we like to use these ones, and they come out fairly regularly, they're really pointless landmines. These are really, really big landmines, because they are going to just fuel a fiery conversation. Also, they're not doing it to us, right. They're using substances to fix or solve something in them. And we feel emotions about it. So we need to just shift that they are not doing this to us. Second, they already know it's killing you. And they already know it's killing your wife or your husband. And they already know that it's tearing up the family. And they already know that they're treating you poorly, they're probably not going to admit that, but they are fully aware. So rubbing it in, and sort of playing this guilt card only does more damage than good.
What you really want to know when you're asking this question is, why are you using drugs or alcohol, right? Why are you doing this? So stay away from the guilt language, just swallow it. As hard as that is, swallow it and think about asking a question that will get you the information that you want. So you have to start thinking like a detective, rather than like a highly emotional mom or dad. So it's a shift in how we think about things. So questions here could be what is it about weed or oxy or Xanax or alcohol, heroin, fentanyl? Whatever it is? What is it about that substance that you like?
19:29
What does it make you feel like? What can you do when you're using XYZ chemical that you feel like you can't do if you're sober? So you're really getting at what is this substance doing for them? Because that will answer your question of why are you doing this? You could ask, What's the hardest thing about being sober, right? Like What's the hardest thing about going to high school sober or What's the hardest thing about not using weed in the morning?, really getting specific so that it makes them really think about what it is. You could ask them, when do you feel your best? Maybe there's something, maybe there's clues there about when they feel their best. And even if when they feel their best is when they're using, then you can dig into that more. You could also ask, What do you like to do that gives you a good feeling? And you could even add on to that when you're sober. Trying to get them to start thinking about, are there times when I actually do feel okay, I do feel pretty good when I haven't been using, or you could say if I gave you an extra day this week to do anything you want except use drugs or alcohol? What would you do with that day? That will help you start to understand what do they value. What do they want to do with their time. And again, depending on how open your relationship is, you can you can really dial into that if you're not using drugs or alcohol, so think about a sober day. And if I can give you an extra day, what would you do with it? Again, you might not like the answer, or they might give you an answer. Like, I don't know, there's nothing I would do, I would just lay in bed all day. Okay, at least you've got some dialogue going. And you could work with that.
21:14
Another question that comes out quite often is, Why in the world, did you do that? Or why in the world would you do that? This is usually asked after a really bad situation has happened. And we're really angry or pissed off. And what we really want to know is, Did you even consider the consequences of what you did? Or did you stop to think about how it might make somebody else feel hurt? Or how it might impact somebody else? That's what we really want to know. The answer here, if they're about under the age of 25-ish is usually no. Nope, they did not consider the consequences. And no, they did not think about how it would make somebody feel because that part of their brain that prefrontal cortex isn't developed yet. So they literally don't think about it, which is incredibly frustrating as a parent.
22:13
The other thing is, they may also be in need of getting drugs or alcohol to avoid withdrawal. And in that case, there is no thinking or rationalizing, because their brain is only able to focus on getting whatever it needs, so that it doesn't get sick. So asking this question, Why in the world did you do that, is kind of a moot point. In this case, it's better to respond to the circumstances, which hopefully, were natural circumstances, or what I like to call feedback from the world. So instead of why in the world did you do that? you respond to the impact; Wow, that must have been really scary when the police showed up. Or, The school's really serious about suspending students when they have weed on campus, aren't they? So these are neutral reactions to the outcome of their behavior. So you're not asking them why they did it? Because they don't know, they didn't think about it. You're just responding to and reinforcing the natural consequences that happened.
23:15
Another question that we ask our kids is, how can you live with yourself? How can you live with yourself doing what you're doing? We have such a hard time seeing our kids do the things that they do. And we truly wonder this. How can they live with themselves? But asking them that is just gonna set off an explosion of anger, and you are not going to get the information that you really want. So what is the information that you really want here? You really want to know, How do you feel about what you're doing? So a better way to get at that information is just to explore their current emotions. So you can ask questions like, what do you think about some of the choices that you've made lately? And if there's a specific choice, you could insert that and don't only focus on the bad choices, which is a tendency that we have, sometimes if they're making a good decision, even if it's only one very small decision, you can also ask about that. So you want to pull out any positives that you can. You could also ask, How are you feeling about where you are right now? So just giving them a moment to pause and think about where they are and what they're doing. You could also say, if you could change one thing about yourself today, what would it be? And you could you could answer this for yourself. So you could say, well, if I could change one thing about myself today, it would be whatever my anger, my depression, my thighs, whatever it is. You could play along with this. And I would encourage that so that it is truly a dialogue. You could also ask them what's your best habit, what do you think your best habit is? Or what do you think the best thing is that you do on a day to day basis, their answers to these will start to uncover how they feel about themselves. And they're going to open up a conversation about ways that they could get closer to the way they want to feel, which is probably at least moving in the direction of where you want them to be. And if not, again, even if it's not, at least you have more information than you started. And that is really, really valuable.
25:30
Another statement that is often made in our homes is, Where this is headed? You know, where is this is going? Oh, we love to share our kids futures with them, don't we? The problem here is that they are young, and they don't have a fully formed brain, and therefore they can't see the future, even if it is directly in front of them. And often it is. But if we use this language, and we play fortune teller with them, they look at us like we're crazy, because they are invincible. And the bad thing that happened to that other kid is definitely not going to happen to them.
26:11
What you really want from them in this question, or the statement, is to recognize that their actions have consequences that could be deadly or life altering, at least. My go-to phrase was "you are going to be dead or in jail within the next, whatever it was 30 days, 60 days, one year." And I used that really often with my son. And interestingly, not one single time, did he stop and look at me and say, "Oh, gosh, Mom, I never thought about that. I had better stop this nonsense." Never, never happened.
So if this is the statement that you tend to go to, some language that you can try here - and I and I want to say that needs to be in a genuinely curious and inquisitive voice - could be, What's your school's policy on being high at school? Now, you probably already know this. But you could ask them. What is that? What's the difference between a misdemeanor and felony drug possession charge? You know, just being curious, like, I don't know, what is that? What would it look like later in life if you had a felony on your record? Again, this is not, if (screaming) “you have felony on your record, you are never going to be able to blah, blah, blah!” This is you pulling it out of them. Are there any jobs that you can't do if you have a record? Or if you could choose a different path a year from now, what would it look like? What would the path look like that you would be on? You could also say, Are there any downsides to the path that you're on right now? Because they're aware of them. But it's really rare that we have the conversation. So again, genuinely curiously, being inquisitive. Just ask them? Do you see any downsides to this path? They may say no, they may say this is the exact path I want to be on. But I guarantee you, it's percolating in the back of their mind. So this might at least crack open the door for them to consider even if it's only for five seconds, what might be down the path if they choose to stay on it? Again, it's pretty unlikely that they're going to make a drastic change or a drastic decision based on this one conversation or question. But it's going to be tucked into the back of their mind, either consciously or subconsciously. And either one of those is better than never considering at all.
28:37
The next statement, this is more of a statement than a question is No, you can't XYZ. So, “no” is one of the top words that will cause drama in a home, especially where someone is abusing drugs or alcohol. Or basically if there's just a teenager living in it, but especially a teenager or young adult 20, 22, 23 who is is abusing drugs and alcohol, it immediately shuts the door on any options or any alternatives. And so if you're trying to create peace, or at least avoid a war, rephrasing your “No” can go a really long way. I need to preface this with the fact that saying “yes” or “yes, and…” comes from setting limits or having boundaries. So if you haven't done that, you're going to need to start there.
29:30
Because for example, if your daughter says, “Can I take the car tonight I told Sarah, I drive to the game.” Instead of you saying "No, you can't take the car, you're always late when I let you take it!" You can instead say, if you have set some boundaries, "You can take the car when you show me that you can be home on time. So I need you to be home by your curfew two more times, and then I'm happy to give you access to the car again." So you've set a boundary, you know what that is, and you hold your daughter to it.
Another example would be, if your son says, "My friends are coming over, and we're going to hang out downstairs and play Fortnight," you, instead of saying/yelling, "The last time your friends were here, they were high, they are not coming over," you could say, (if you have set those boundaries and communicated them), "Remember, I don't allow anyone in the house, if they're high or drunk, I'm happy to have your friends here. And if they appear to be high or drunk, or if I smell weed, I'll be asking them to leave and come another time." So hopefully, if you've set that limit, your teenage or young adult son or daughter knows what that is, they know what your boundaries are. And then you're just communicating them. And you're saying yes. "Yes, and if they appear to be higher drunk," or "Yes, and when you come home two more times on time, that I'll give you access to the car." So finding ways to say yes, based on your limits, can be a really powerful way to make sure that you can live with whatever the request is from your son or daughter.
31:10
Okay, by now, I think you're probably getting the picture. Clearly, there are a million different versions and iterations of these conversations. But I think these are some of the most common either questions or statements that we make, that are going on daily in our homes. And I want to also say that this might sound or feel really awkward to you. But what happens is our conversations tend to circle only around the issues and the problems and we don't draw out our kids dreams and their thoughts and their passions and, and have them really think, because everything tends to get very transactional when our kids are misusing drugs or alcohol, because that's terrifying us. And it's the thing that takes up the most of our brain space. So therefore, it takes up most of our conversation. These examples, and this way of thinking will really get you out of that transactional mode and allow your son or daughter to just open up about their thinking.
And even if they look at you, like you are crazy, if you try some of these, they'll actually usually play along. And honestly, it doesn't feel as weird to them as it does to you. Because everybody loves to talk about themselves, especially teenagers and young adults. So if you are asking these with sincere curiosity, they will usually talk. It's really important to pick a time when they are not under the influence of anything. And it's really helpful if you're doing something else at the same time. So, maybe you're folding laundry, or you're driving or you're walking the dogs, anything other than sitting face to face in a formal setting is going to be much more lucrative in the information that you're able to pull out of them.
33:01
I'd encourage you to pick the thing or the situation that seems to be the stickiest the hardest. And then the next time you get there, just observe the conversation. Don't try to change it unless you feel confident doing that. But just observe it almost from an out of body perspectives sort of float up and look down at what your son or daughter is saying. And think about how you're asking questions. And then more importantly, the most important thing is, what is the actual information that you want to get? And then think about playing detective. So, what's an open ended question that would actually help stir up some of that information that you can then work with. And think about having conversations like these that have nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, or their behavior. So take a step back and look at your child with a curiosity and find ways that you can dig deeper with some of these questions. And think about questions that you would want somebody to ask you. So it's a good way just to start thinking, again, outside of that transactional mode.
34:11
So to quickly summarize, because I know this has been a lot,
Keep an open mind know that this might feel or sound really awkward at first, and you might be saying this is ridiculous. My son or daughter would never answer these questions. And that's okay. But just experiment with it. Experiment with one that seems a little bit okay. And you might just really be surprised that their response
Try to start your questions with how could or how might or what would or what could or Tell me more. Those are the open ended sentence starters and avoid things like are you will you is that can you did you do you? Because those are going to be very closed questions.
Instead of starting with the questions, start by thinking about the information that you're looking for and then see if your question is really going to uncover that information.
Practice. If it feels clunky or uncomfortable practice on somebody else first, until it becomes more natural, so that you're not anxious about it when you try these with your son or daughter. So you want to get it to a place where it's just feeling really natural for you.
Be okay with a little bit of silence, it can really lead to magic.
Don't make assumptions. Even if you've had the conversation before it could very likely change.
Stay in the present. Don't ask a question and then immediately go into response mode.
Try to have these conversations when you're doing something with your son or daughter and be genuinely curious. Don't let your voice be accusatory or angry, because that will definitely ruin it.
Stay away from the guilt trip trap. It is a trap and it won't get you anywhere.
Try this even if it feels weird, it will feel and sound weirder to you than it does to them.
36:17
I would so love to hear from you if you try any of these tips, please share either in a review on whatever podcast app you listen on, or you can always share a comment in the show notes on my website. It's just BrendaZane.com/podcast and you can find this episode. I'd love to know if you try this. I know from personal experience, it can be incredibly helpful to really opening the dialogue that may have been completely shut down in your house.
If you're a mom listening to this and thinking hmm, there must be other moms out there listening to I can tell you that there are thousands of other moms that are searching for this same information. And for a more personal connection. You can find me and a bunch of these moms by going to my website Brenda Zane calm and there you will get lots of information about a really special online community of moms called The Stream. We have regular calls and chat sessions. We do a monthly yoga class for stress and anxiety. And it's all positively focused. It is not on Facebook and it's completely confidential. Membership is on a pay-what-you-can model. So if you want to join this community and you need the support, you're in.
You might also want to download my free ebook called “HINDSIGHT, Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted To Drugs.” It is packed with information that I truly wish I had known back in the darker years with my son. And so I share it now in case it might be helpful to you in your journey. You can get that at Brendazane.com/hindsight, and I will put a link to both of these resources in the show notes as well.
Thank you so much for listening. I'll meet you right back here next week.