Insights From Honest Conversations With Treatment Programs, Consultants, and Real World Parents
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @hopestreamcommunity
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The private, online community for parents with kids misusing substances and struggling with mental health. Not connected to Facebook or any social media, it’s your place to learn skills, become more strategic in helping your child, and get healthier for yourself and your family.
About this episode:
I recently sat down with over 20 treatment program owners, directors, therapists, educational consultants, and 20+ parents who are, or have been, on the substance misuse journey with their kids, and I'm sharing the insights I gleaned in today's episode
From insurance nightmares to difficult transitions and THC-induced psychosis, I cover a lot of territory, bringing you a boots-on-the-ground view into what's really going on today in treatment and the struggles parents are facing when they have a child who misuses substances.
Episode Resources:
Transition Coaching & Support:
Fentanyl & Teens Free Webinar with Brenda Zane and Vicenzo Narciso
Association of Recovery Schools
THC and Delta-8:
Information on high potency THC products and impact on youth - Johnny’s Ambassadors
Siblings:
Hopestream podcast episode 55 with Dr. Nicole Kosanke and Krissy Pozatek
Hopestream podcast episode 70 with Marco Narciso (Brenda Zane’s son)
Private community for dads with kids who struggle:
Reading:
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, Foote & Wilkens
Beyond Addiction Workbook for Family & Friends, Jeffrey Foote, Kenneth Carpenter, Carrie Wilkens
H.O.M.E.: Strategies for making home a SUCCESS during and after treatment, by Hilary Moses, Jen Murphy
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Introduction
I heard over and over from program owners, from clinical directors, from therapists, the transition home for adolescents in particular is very, very hard. It is a tricky thing to navigate and the rate of return to old patterns and use is high. I know that is not what you want to hear if you have one of these magical creatures that you are caring for, but that is just the reality,
You're listening to HopeStream. If you're parenting a young person who misuses substances, is in a treatment program, or finding their way to recovery, you're in the right place. This is your private space to learn from experts and gain encouragement and support from me, Brenda Zane, your host and follow mom to a child who struggled.
This podcast is just one of the resources we offer for parents. So after the episode, head over to our website at hopestreamcommunity. org. I'm so glad you're here. Take a deep breath, exhale, and know that you have found your people. Now let's get into today's show.
Hey friend, it is just us today and I can't wait to share some things I picked up over the last week while I was on a road trip visiting members and attending the big annual conference for the National Association of therapeutic schools and programs. N A T S A P, which encompasses adolescent and young residential outpatient, intensive outpatient, partial hospitalization programs, transitional and sober livings and wilderness and adventure based programs. I know that might not sound very exciting. But just wait, there's really nothing like talking over a meal with these professionals about what is going on in their programs, in the real world of treatment with folks that are deep in it every single day. And they are navigating together and also with parents, how to help young people when they're struggling with substance use and mental health.
So, you can imagine the crowd at this event, it's really fascinating. And this year it was held in Orlando, and you have this incredible mix of people who are all involved, but coming at the problem from different angles. it's really incredible and attending this event is a great way for me and our team to get a real pulse on the field of adolescent and young adult treatment.
I'm going to give you a top line of what I learned at the various sessions and through the conversations there. And I'm also going to share some insights and themes I heard from our HopeStream community members who I met with in Orlando, in Atlanta, in Charlotte, in Asheville.
Meeting with our members face to face over brunch or dinner is my [00:03:00] absolute favorite thing to do. It is what I dreamed of doing when I started the community back in 2020. Thinking how magical it would be if the parents out there could have a safe and positive place to be together, which of course started online due to COVID, but now we're able to get together to give each other hugs and make these personal connections and it is magical.
Treatment Trends and Impacts
But let me start with the conference learnings, which I have bucketed into two main themes. Treatment trends and impacts and transitions. So starting with treatment trends and impacts, there has been a huge shift in the past couple of years where once privately owned programs are being bought by private equity firms who are expanding and I call it corporatizing the treatment world.
There is good news. The good news is that more programs are now covered by insurance, which obviously is a huge benefit for those who have coverage through their employers. Bad news is that the insurance company is then greatly influencing the length of stay that is going to get covered.
And what I learned last week is that it is usually most often not long enough, especially for adolescents.
Now, I'm not going to villainize this topic or the private equity firms that are buying individual private programs, but I heard [00:04:30] loud and clear that this has profoundly shifted the landscape of treatment, especially for adolescents who really need an extended length of time in treatment for substance use in particular, and especially when they need dual diagnosis treatment for a serious mental health issue and substance use. now, with the insurance coverage, more short term programs are being covered in network and it could appear on the surface that this would be a less expensive route for families than going to a private pay program. But the treatment program is beholden to the insurance company to tell them how long the young person can stay in treatment.
Which, what we are seeing in our community, and I see this over and over, um, from posts and comments from our parents, and in these conversations that I had, last week, is that these programs are now stepping down the kids from full time residential to partial hospitalization, PHP, which leaves you as the parent either bringing your child home to more of like an IOP locally to where you live.
or to cover the gap in the cost between the cost of the PHP program and the residential care, which obviously can be significant. I've, I've heard from our members anywhere from four to six hundred dollars a day is what they are paying to keep their child in the [00:06:00] program that originally was going to be covered by insurance. So in the long run, your costs may not be much less or even cost more than going private pay to begin with for a long term program where your young person gets the consistent care and their brain and body have a longer period of time of being substance free.
Now, again, this could be an entire episode and I, um, working on that just because I think it's so important for you to know going in, you are considering treatment, um, what that could look like down the road. There was also a lot of conversation around the effects of these multiple placements. So what's happening is parents will send their young person to a 30 day program.
Especially if it's substance use, especially if it's adolescent undeveloped brains, lots of chemicals going on, it's just not long enough. And so they come out and return to use and old patterns pretty quickly. Then they go back to another program and this happens over and over. So kids are getting treatment fatigue and they feel this sense of ambivalence.
about going to yet another program. They also are feeling a sense of brokenness, like, I've been to treatment three times and I'm still not doing well. I still can't go back to my regular school. I'm still having cravings and what the message they're getting is something is really, [00:07:30] really wrong with me because I'm not able to get this right.
from the treatment provider standpoint, They mentioned that kids might actually try to get kicked out because it is just another program. So doing things that they know are going to get them kicked out, um, which obviously is not ideal. Another impact of them being in multiple programs is that they haven't lived in the real world, quote unquote, the real world in so many, many times, years.
That transitioning home or somewhere else is very jarring. It is a really, really difficult transition for them to make. One session that I went to likened this to, you know, the, your young person comes out of treatment, they are speaking blue, so they've been speaking this blue language for the last, you know, year, year and a half, two years, and everyone else at their school or wherever they're going in their age range.
They're speaking yellow because they haven't had any of this treatment. They haven't had any of this therapeutic, um, approach that they have learned. And so they come out just feeling very disoriented and like they can't connect with other people. another impact of this long term treatment is that unless the parents have been on.
Board with all the programming that's offered by the treatment program. They can be very far behind the kid who's been exposed to a lot of therapeutic work, a very structured [00:09:00] environment. They might now be doing very well and the parents are just far behind because it's been so long.
I also heard that learning is really context dependent. So young people, when they leave treatment and that structured environment that they've had have to do a lot of work because everything has changed for them and they have to do a lot of catching up. So the message here was, if your child has been in multiple programs, and it's been a long time that a structured aftercare is essential.
To really integrating them back and to lessen the chance of them returning to old patterns. And we kind of ended with this idea that after care should really be called next care. It's not really after care. It's the next level of care. So. I thought those were some really interesting insights, from one of the presenters.
I'm going to have a pretty robust, uh, show note resource section for you on this episode. So here's a couple of the resources that you'll find. You're going to want to listen to episode 202 with Trish Ruggles. To get a deeper understanding of the end to end spectrum of treatment options and additional insights on what's going on today for, especially for adolescents, but it also applies to young adults.
You're also going to want to call your insurance company. If treatment is on the horizon or maybe on the horizon, call your insurance company, get to be best friends with somebody [00:10:30] there. Many insurance companies today have very specific substance use and mental health treatment. groups who will help you.
So get your advocate there, get somebody on the phone who will explain to you exactly what is covered, what is not. Ask them what their criteria are for stepping down the level of care and ask them what the average length of stay is that they are covering. That is information that is critical that you need to know so that you know what you're going into and what to expect.
Also, ask the program that you're talking to what the course of action is if your insurance company stops paying for residential care. And I can't tell you how many times I see this over and over. I just sent my child to treatment. It's been 11 days or it's been 14 days and we now have to step them down to a lower level of care.
So find out ahead of time what is the plan. And how much will you be paying out of pocket to cover that gap if you decide to leave them there, which would be great, obviously, if you could leave them in that residential program, but your insurance company is only now paying a portion of that and you have to pay the gap to find out what that gap is so that you're better able to plan ahead.
And if possible, and I know this isn't possible for everybody, but if it is possible, work with an educational consultant who can navigate this for you, they do this over and over hundreds of times, thousands of times. They [00:12:00] understand the ins and outs and they can make recommendations for you based on your specific child's.
history, their mental and physical health needs, any outline factors that they may have. and they'll be able to also help factor in what may or may not be covered by insurance. They really are your advocate and your ally when it comes to finding the right program and also getting the longest possible length of stay for your child.
Transitions Themes
So that was the, first theme that really arose at the conference? The second theme that came up. Surrounded the time when your kids are transitioning out of a program and either coming home or going back to school or to another living situation. So this is the coming home and transitions theme.
This is the time frame when I see very stressed looks on parents faces, especially if they haven't been engaged in doing the work that is required to set their family up for success. And it is nerve wracking regardless, even if you've done a lot of work, it is nerve wracking. So I just want to touch on a few things here.
First of all, I heard over and over from program owners, from clinical directors, from therapists, the transition home for adolescents in particular is very, very hard. It is a tricky thing to navigate and the rate of return to old patterns and use is high. I know that is not what you want to [00:13:30] hear if you have one of these magical creatures that you are caring for, but that is just the reality, especially if they're going back to their same high school, they're going back to the same neighborhood.
All of the triggers, all of the people that were involved in whatever they were getting into before they left are still there. And if you don't have a really solid, really engaging plan, whether that's a PHP. which is partial hospitalization program or an IOP intensive outpatient program. If you don't have one of those options specifically created for adolescents, it is hard to have enough scaffolding around them when they return home and finding an adolescent PHP or IOP in your area.
It's really, really important, but not always easy. It's definitely not easy to find one that your child is going to want to go to. There are luckily some more innovative approaches and some non traditional programs that are coming online for adolescents because of this shift. So the industry is responding.
Many, many programs are putting together these pretty cool. IOP programs that young people can, can shift to and transition to once they've been in residential, they're not prolific by any means, but they are coming online. And again, doing your own research, working with an ed consultant, if you're able to call your high [00:15:00] school or your school district, call your insurance company, you never know what they might know about.
These are all really important things to find that needle in the haystack that's going to work for your family. Other resources that you might want to check into are look for a sober or recovery high school. There is an association of recovery high schools. Again, I'll put a link in the show notes to that.
So you can search and see if there's 1 in your area. You can also research alternative peer groups or. And even try talking to a local social worker who works in the adolescent space to find out what's available. Sometimes these programs are small. They might not have a web presence or their web presence might not get picked up in Google's algorithm.
So just make the phone your best friend and start talking to everybody that you can.
The Parent's Work
There was also a stronger emphasis on parent work and treating the whole family. So this year's conference had multiple sessions focused on family versus past years that I've attended where there may have only just been like one or two sessions. So programs see kids make so much progress while they're with them and they watch them grow and they watch them blossom.
And then they watch them return to homes where one or both parents have not done the work that is required to meet them in that new place. And that is really difficult. And I [00:16:30] loved this saying that I heard in one of the sessions, which was when you react like you used to react, so re act, when you react like you used to react, your child will react with how they used to react.
So you can see how it's really easy for your child to come home and everybody just falls back into the same old patterns. what I heard was parents really need to be encouraged to think in terms of shifts versus change. This doesn't happen all at once. So if you are not seeing a night and day, if you are not seeing 100 percent adherence to whatever the goals are, think in terms of shifts.
Are things shifting over time in a more positive direction? Many programs are really actively working to prepare parents for bringing your young person back home. I saw lots of really amazing and fascinating data and research on the impact of parents doing this work and the programs have really adopted that
they're really enhancing their parent programming to make sure that there isn't this huge drop off, this big clash when treatment ends and your child comes home. So if your child is in a program right now, please take advantage of every single drop of programming that they're offering to you because it is worth it.[00:18:00]
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Transition Planning
Also, there was a lot of talk about how parents should be talking with your program about the transition plan from the beginning, not waiting until the last two weeks of the program because everybody has to get on board with some new ideas, maybe some new boundaries, new ways of responding to each other, new ways of communicating.
And again, if your child is in a insurance covered program. Just because you went in thinking that was going to be 30 days or 60 days doesn't necessarily mean it is and you are going to want to have some of this preempted. So start talking about transition from the beginning. That doesn't mean you [00:19:30] are setting expectations for outcomes.
I think that's important difference. When we're talking about the transition plan, it is more about how are we going to be doing things differently? Where are we going to be going? What are we going to be doing? So you're not looking to say the transition plan is that you are going to be fully sober and healthy and everything's going to be fixed.
So important note there. Also super important, and I've talked about this before, is to develop relapse prevention plans, not just for your young person, but for you as the parent. we heard a lot about creating contracts and how contracts actually can be. Very tricky for families to navigate when their kids come home, and there was time.
Guidelines for Success
Instead of creating these contracts, which don't necessarily sound very inviting, consider creating guidelines for success, both for your child and especially for you. So you as a parent, should have a relapse prevention and response plan for when your child comes home and returns to some old behaviors.
And when you are tempted to return to your old behaviors, so when you're relapsing into rescuing or you're relapsing into enmeshed behavior or yelling or screaming or whatever it is, you'll be able to turn to your plan and see how you need to respond differently.
And what I like about the idea of creating guidelines for success. is that you can address some things that you [00:21:00] know are going to come up in a positive way. So three things that through research have been identified as the biggest pitfalls for when kids come home are boredom, curiosity, and overconfidence.
And this is really in the adolescent and young adult space. So boredom, curiosity, and overconfidence. So if you're creating. Guidelines for success versus a kind of behavioral contract. What you can build into that, those guidelines are, what are you going to be doing? How are you going to address this curiosity when your friend has a different flavor of vape pen, or how are you going to, you know, make sure that you're, you're building on the confidence that you gained in treatment, but you're not becoming overly confident.
So that's why I just really liked that idea of the guidelines for success.
Creating Purpose and Responsibility at Home
Another really insightful thing that I learned in these sessions from the program owners and therapists is that kids, when they're in treatment, they get a lot of responsibility and they, they can have a really great sense of purpose.
So the programs are really great at giving them things to do, assigning, you know, chores and tasks and, um, just building purpose into that time that they're there. And then when they come home often, Parents will sort of be on eggshells or tiptoeing and well, Oh, I don't, I don't want them to have too much to do.
And I don't, you know, we don't want to overwhelm them. And so kids often come [00:22:30] home and they just don't have as much of a sense of purpose. They don't have as much responsibility and that can really erode the confidence that they gained in treatment and that sense of self efficacy. So making sure in those guidelines for success that they have a role in the family as soon as they come home, that they are not just You know, left to sort of sit in their room and not participate and not know what their role is in the family because it will be different than the role that they had when they left.
So super important. And what I also really loved is hearing about how programs really want to see parents spend more time helping things go right versus stopping things from going wrong. So can feel for kids like everything that's been set up for them when they return home. Is to stop them from doing the thing that is wrong and there's not as much emphasis on helping them do the things that are right or to help them find ways to find purpose, help them find ways to engage and be active and, you know, work out and find friends.
So, I think that's a really important shift that we can think about.
When Things Go Wrong Post-Treatment
And speaking of when things go wrong. What I learned and what I saw myself is that three months is usually the time period when kids start to struggle post treatment. And what's really important is that you as a [00:24:00] parent can help normalize that instead of freaking out or blaming or controlling or just clamping down and pulling everything back.
Acknowledge if at three months they're starting to wobble a little bit. That's normal. And you can, you can normalize that instead of kind of going off the deep end the other way. This cycle of this three month wobble is a little bit like the crystal ball that you want to see like what is going to happen.
So if you're seeing that, or maybe you're in those first couple of weeks where you're still in the honeymoon phase and everything's really great, just know if you start to see that, it's normal. Kids often will come home, they need to blow off some steam. They've been in this very structured environment for a long time.
And so they might do something, right? They might. Use once at a party or they might have some behavior that concerns you. But that may be part of that adjustment period and that they come back on the tracks. they realize that that's not really serving them. And then over time, that frequency of those slips or those lapses will slow down and the duration of time during each of those will shorten.
So, really important insight to have straight from the lips of providers who've worked with these kids, sometimes for years. And I think it's important to kind of going back to understanding the difference in, in looking for [00:25:30] shifts versus major change. It's just for you to learn how to flex with your child's behavior when they return home.
It is, it can be a very kind of high tension, high frustration period because everybody is doing something new. And just don't expect that everything is going to go smoothly all the time. Figure out how to flex around some of these things, using really good communication skills, taking really good care of yourself, and knowing that things are just going to be bumpy at times.
Coming Home Can Be Isolating
And then the last thing in this area is that peers and parents really don't understand what kids go through when they are in treatment. So it can be extremely isolating for them when they come home. I saw this in my son. He said, Mom, you know. Nobody understands what I went through. Kids at school don't understand.
People I'm trying to date don't understand. It is a lot,
especially if they've been through Wilderness Therapy and Residential Treatment. There's so much that happens there. It is a big rite of passage that someone really can't understand unless they have been through it. Kind of tuck that into your back pocket, maybe use some empathy and some validation to say, yeah, I get it.
It must be really hard that you have experienced all of these things and your friends haven't.
Resources
So some resources in this area are obviously [00:27:00] HopeStream Community is a place that you can come and learn these skills and tools. We teach them, you can attend live or watch on video.
So over, I don't know, a hundred and something hours, um, of content that you can watch on that in HopeStream community. There's also a book called Home by the wonderful folks at Solutions Parenting Support, Hilary and Jen. It's a book specifically that they wrote because as coaches, they saw families struggling in this area in particular.
And so they finally just said, let's sit down and write a book about it. So it's a fabulous book called home H O M E. I'll put a link in the show notes to that. And I will also put some links to mentor and coach resources for both parents and young people.
So you'll be able to access those as well. There was a lot more obviously, but those were sort of the big nuggets that I thought would be super relevant to you that I wanted to share from the conference.
Themes From Hopestream Member Conversations
So now I'll talk about the themes I heard from sharing meals and conversations in four different cities with 25 amazing parents who are in various stages of this roller coaster ride with their kids.
Treatment Fatigue
The first theme relates to what I was talking about with the treatment trends, and that is that many kids are caught up in this treatment hamster wheel. They've been to multiple placements. It's just hugely disruptive for the entire family. It's financially draining and it creates that treatment resistance and self doubt in the young [00:28:30] person.
So if that's your family, I see you. I heard it.
Parents See Success When They Change
I also noticed that parents talked about seeing a shift in the whole family when they use the tools that they have learned to change themselves. They say they feel more calm, more confident in their parenting. They have less overall anxiety. Things may still be wildly off the rails with their child, but they feel better, which is one of the primary goals of the craft approach.
So that made me really happy to hear. We also talked a lot about how parents need to care for themselves. So their child sees them enjoying life, doing things for themselves. And yes. Having fun. This one can feel extra challenging if you're in the thick of it because it is so counterintuitive to what you might be feeling.
And I reminded our members who talked of this, of something that I have shared before, which is the burden that we place on our kids when we carry around all of that sadness and anger and tears. They see that and they often will want to numb it out because they know they are responsible for it. And the way they numb it out.
By using more, so really, really important that you are taking care of yourself and living your life to the best extent that you can. Even if you have to fake it till you make it.
Finding Dual-Diagnosis Programs
I also heard about the frustration of trying to find [00:30:00] dual diagnosis treatment for adolescents and young adults, where as a parent, you don't have to choose between the bipolar or the eating disorder diagnosis.
And the marijuana addiction, this is so difficult. It's so confusing to navigate. Which comes first? What do you treat first? Can you treat them at the same time? And my only advice here is if you are not hearing that a program will treat both and make sure and ask the question, keep looking. You cannot disentangle one from the other.
So finding a program that will do both is imperative.
High Potency THC
Okay. Well, I should have started with this one because this was the number one theme that I heard from all the conversations I had in these cities. And I bet you can guess what it was. High potency THC. many of you are seeing THC induced psychosis and CHS, hyperemesis syndrome, violent vomiting that cannot, cannot get resolved and you end up in the emergency room. and this is happening really quickly, like within three to six months of your child using these high potency products heavily, meaning daily, and sometimes all day.
I think many parents aren't aware of how often their kids are using these products because the vape pens that they're using are really easy to hide. They can be using right in your home and it's undetectable to you [00:31:30] because they don't create any scent. And kids are literally unable to stop using these forms of THC, even when they want to.
Again, like you've heard on so many episodes, this is not the weed of the seventies, eighties or nineties by any stretch of the imagination. They are completely different products. I also heard how within six months, you'll see your child go from relatively normal to someone who's hallucinating, becoming aggressive or violent, paranoid, and it is really, really scary.
I heard about emergency department visits and how kids are not being properly diagnosed because physicians sometimes are not picking up on this phenomenon of teens and young adults being such heavy users of THC. And of course, it probably goes without saying that there's a massive gap in the availability of treatment for THC addiction and especially for the THC induced psychosis.
What About Delta 8 Products?
This next point was interesting to me because I live in Washington state where THC, all marijuana is legal, recreational and medicinal, but in states where it is not legalized for recreational use, I heard a lot of talk about how teams are using Delta 8 products because they're easily available and they do produce a high, even though [00:33:00] the high might not be as intense from a Delta 9 traditional THC product.
In case you are just becoming aware of the Delta 8 THC products. It's a good time to get you up to speed quickly. One, they are available in formats just like Delta 9 products. Gummies, chocolate, candy, cookies, tinctures, vaping cartridges, infused drinks.
There's even a breakfast cereal. I mean, come on.
Number two, nearly all the Delta 8 that kids are buying is made in labs with CBD from hemp plants along with several other chemicals. It is not pure. It is not a plant. It's way more potent than the Delta eight that would be found in nature.
And because the FDA doesn't regulate the chemical process to make Delta eight, these products are not tested for safety or quality and toxic chemicals are often included to make them or they're created during the production process. So in a nutshell, if you're a young person is trying to convince you that Delta eight would be better, do some research.
I put links in the show notes for you. and work on steering them away from that.
Fentanyl
And of course, a conversation about young people and substance use wouldn't be complete without talking about fentanyl. I know this probably isn't a newsflash for you, but after being in so many different cities in three different states in just one week, [00:34:30] I can confirm that fentanyl is ravaging so many communities and kids are getting addicted quickly and severely.
It was interesting to hear that many kids now know they are taking fentanyl and often they seek it out, which isn't a message that you hear too often. And this does not mean, I'm going to repeat, this does not mean that there are still young people who are not aware because we know there are, but we are at a point now where because the product is so strong.
So available, it has become really desirable and it is the drug that some people are actively seeking out. In the show notes, I'm putting a link to a webinar that we did at HopeStream Community on fentanyl in teens where my son joined us to provide facts.
and insights about this product in particular, the impact it has on them when they use it, why young people are choosing it at times, what you need to know as a parent. It is a really great webinar to watch. It's at hopestreamcommunity. org forward slash fentanyl. You can watch that totally free.
When Living At Home Isn't An Option Anymore
Another theme, which comes up so often that I wanted to mention it. It's the fact that parents struggle to know when to draw the line on their child not being able to live at home anymore. Especially when they don't have a job or a place to live.
I want to touch on this because it's [00:36:00] probably one of the most heart wrenching things to think about. When you see your child is so sick and needs so much help and you can't allow them to be in your home any longer. I was there twice, and I want to let you know that if this is something that you're grappling with, I can relate, and I would highly recommend getting a coach or a therapist who is certified in the craft approach to help you through this decision and this process.
It's truly agonizing. There is a list of craft certified coaches in the show notes, so be sure to download that, and it is global, so even if you're not in the U. S., you'll probably be able to find somebody to work with.
Siblings
And next, siblings. Oh, the siblings. They are deeply impacted by this experience, and as of now, there aren't many good resources for them, unfortunately. We at hope stream encourage our members to have their age appropriate other children watch some of the videos from our invitation to change Academy to learn about things like compassion, how their brother or sister's behavior sense and some of these other concepts so that they can start to digest and process.
What is going on and if they're old enough, I would recommend having them read beyond addiction and they can participate in going through the workbook with you as well, which is really helpful. [00:37:30] Another thing for siblings is to spend 1 on 1 time with them, carve out time to make a regular date to be with them and fully focused on their life, their activities without the destruction of their sibling.
And in the show notes, there's also links to two episodes that you might want to check out. One, I recommend for you, which is number 55. It's with Dr. Nicole Kosinki and Chrissy Positak, who joined me to talk about this particular topic of, of siblings. Really great. And episode 70 is actually with my son, my younger son, who watched his brother go through this.
And he just shares that experience from his point of view.
Resistant Dads
And finally, the last theme that I wish I didn't have to talk about, but I can't ignore it because it's so prevalent, and that is reluctant or resistant dads. Now, this is by no means a universal statement. And if you're a dad who's listening, you obviously don't fit in this category because you're here doing your work, but I heard it at the conference and I hear it from the moms in particular that I sat with and it breaks my heart because I believe this resistance, this reluctance is the result of some terrible societal norms that have been placed on men.
From a very young age, and it is causing generational trauma and [00:39:00] dysfunction. So what I heard is Dads in general seem to be less involved in the healing process with their kids who struggle with mental health and substance use, either leaving it to their partner or their ex partner to handle and or they just are not in support and can't get on board with the invitation to change or craft approach Again, I do not want to villainize these men who are dealing with their own issues. And if you think about it, if we use a craft approach to this, we would say, Hmm, their behavior makes sense. We have to understand why they're resistant to this rupture that has impacted their family and why they're reluctant to do the work to get the help to fix it.
I am going to do an entire episode on this because there is so much to it and I am not a therapist. So I'll just let you know what I heard. between parents causes added anxiety and stress for the mom in particular, if that's who's the one kind of taking the reins and not being aligned causes more friction in the relationship, which is already strained by your child's unhealthy patterns and actions.
even if you are on board together on the same page, united front, your relationship is still under a huge amount of pressure. So this just adds to that and kids see the opportunity to play one parent against the other if you're not aligned. So it's similar [00:40:30] to what they used to do when they were toddlers, right?
And they know what they can get and what they can't get from one parent versus the other.
Getting on The Same Page
So one thing that you can do, and I suggest you try if you haven't already, is to recommend that you engage in an experiment with the CRAFT approach to see if things will improve. And if not, you can always go back to doing what you've been doing. Even if it hasn't been effective, just sort of give them a hall pass on that.
when you hear that this is a family disease, this is exactly what we're talking about. You cannot expect your child to grow and change their patterns and behavior if you are not willing to examine yourself and do the same.
Warp Up & Resources
Okay, I am gonna leave it at that for today. I will be doing a few full episodes on some of these topics because clearly they are ones that you are likely dealing with.
And they're really important to dig into with an expert. the show notes are full of resources for you on these topics. So be sure to go to Brenda Zane. com forward slash podcast and look for, or search for episode two Oh three to grab all of those downloads and links. There's also a free ebook there that you can download called Hindsight, Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Misusing Drugs.
It's full of insights and tips for you to start learning how to navigate this, try to understand what's going on in your child's head and keep [00:42:00] yourself healthy and sane at the same time. So you can get that at brendazine. com forward slash hindsight. Please please be so good to yourself. Will you try to spend at least five minutes today doing something just for you? If it can be longer, that's amazing, but if not, just five minutes doing something you totally enjoy. Allow yourself to slow down, single task, breathe, and be present. It truly makes a difference.
Be well, and remember, you are an elite level parent. Hold your head high, and I will meet you right back here next week.