3 ideas for combating parenting burnout and empathy fatigue when your child is misusing drugs or alcohol, with Brenda Zane

Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
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About this episode:

We’re getting real this week about the mental and physical burnout and empathy fatigue we can feel as parents when we're trying our hardest with our kids who are struggling with substance use. It's not often talked about but it's real, so we'll dive into what it can feel like and 3 things you can start doing today to turn it around.

You'll also hear a secret tip about taking care of yourself that might just help when you're tempted to put yourself last. It's a snack-sized episode that will help if you're running on empty and need to start feeling better but aren't sure where to start.

Episode transcript:

Speakers: Brenda Zane

Well friends. I really wish that you could see my setup today for recording. I have a very elderly dog [00:01:30] who loves to be at my feet, actually has to be at my feet 24 7. And he snores very loudly. And so it's really challenging to record a podcast without getting his snoring in the background. So I have perched myself on the side of a bed with him nearby, but asleep. And I'm hoping that he will remain asleep and not realize that I've moved. So that I can chat with you without snoring in the background. 

Today, we're going to talk about something that doesn't get talked about too much. And that is parent burnout, which often includes empathy, burnout when our kids are struggling with substance use and mental health issues. It is real. I will also throw in high-risk lifestyles and all the legal and criminal issues that often accompany substance use. 

And I think it's something that we don't talk about much because we think somehow. We're not supposed to get to the point where we're just fried and we feel like our compassion reservoir is completely empty. Let's just remember though, that parenting a typical teen or young adult is hard on its own. So adding in substance use and mental health issues, pushes it over the top. And if you have one child or if this is your oldest, you might not have a point of comparison. So it can be easy to lose perspective. [00:03:00] That this is not the normal parenting experience. Let me just repeat that this is not the normal parenting experience. What you're going through and what you are doing is way over and above what most parents will ever face in their journey. 

So we can feel guilty for feeling this way. Especially if you're working on using the craft approach, which we talk a lot about here, the book Beyond Addiction. And if you are following that approach. It is really meant to be led with understanding, to have a lot of empathy, to be compassionate and patient. And you might be at a point where you're like, I don't want to be crafty anymore. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. And that's okay. The reality is that you're going to have days of empathy, fatigue, and burnout. 

It would be a rare person who could navigate the chaos of this with their kids and not just lose their minds sometimes. So if that's you now. Or if that has been you in the past. Don't worry. You are normal. 

You hear me talk a lot about self care and part of self care is recognizing this place and not feeling guilty. But taking it as a message from your body. Basically think of it as your check engine light is on and it [00:04:30] is flashing wildly at you. Also it's worth mentioning that when your child is struggling, 

It also tends to bring up your own junk from the past, which you may have been ignoring or deferring for awhile. And this experience with your son or daughter makes it hard not to look at all of that, especially if you're engaged in a treatment program that encourages family therapy, that stuff is going to come up, which adds to the emotional and physical toll on you. 

So let's talk for a minute about what you might be experiencing or feeling. Some of which may sound obvious. But it can help to have someone else highlight these things because you may have become so adapted to them that you don't recognize them as symptoms of burnout and fatigue. 

We'll run through them. And then I'm going to give you three things to do about all of this. I'll start with some emotional or mindset things that may be going on with you. And then talk about some more physical symptoms that you may be having. 

To begin with, I want to say that it is very easy and very common. To be envious for the simple problems other people have. You would pay cash money to be worried about what college your child's going to get accepted to. And would gladly worry about how their relationship is going in exchange for someone taking the heavy load that you're [00:06:00] carrying even just for one day. 

You might also be feeling jealous of friends who are celebrating milestones. And just ordinary things with their kids. Graduation season is really hard, but it's also common to be jealous of the simple day to day things other parents take for granted. That you grieve because they are not happening with your child. 

You might be feeling resentment towards your child for the issues that are going on. This is when the doesn't get talked about a lot, either because it doesn't fit into the quote unquote good parent description. But it is real and it is okay. As long as you don't stew in this for a long time. Yes, your life and your parenting experience is probably not looking like what you'd imagined when your son or daughter was a toddler. All cute and chubby and rosy cheeked. 

You had these visions of what your family would look like and what everybody would be doing. And how they would be doing it. And you look around today and you can't recognize any or most of that. Resentment is real and there are ways to counteract it that we'll talk about in a minute. 

Also, you might be feeling resentment. Toward a co-parent an ex co-parent. Who aren't doing the things that you think that they should be doing or doing them the way you think they should be doing them or towards friends. Who don't get it. And they aren't there for you in the way that you would like them to be. 

[00:07:30] And the last one I'll mention is feeling or being an acting cynical or bitter, and having these thoughts towards other people who are close to you. You might think, oh, if only they knew. Oh, they think that's a problem. If they could just hear my problems. You might be skewed towards thinking this way, if you are feeling unsupported and if you don't have a compassionate person on your team, someone who's in your corner. And someone who could be a soft landing place for you and feeling empathetic towards you and your child. 

Then there are some physical aspects to burn out and fatigue that are really important to catch. Don't gloss over these thinking that it's just you, that maybe that's just how you are. That's the kind of person you are. It is not. 

The first is brain fog in spaciness. I cannot overstate this. Your cognitive state might be really compromised right now. Not being able to focus and feeling out of it. And if you're a mom and you are in the age range of menopause perimenopause, you could be doubly impacted from a cognitive standpoint. So double the fun for you. 

Numbness is another one you have just stopped feeling. You could look at the wall for hours. You can't feel happy. You can't feel joy. You've potentially even stopped feeling the really low lows [00:09:00] that come with this. You feel like you're just stuck in neutral and you can't shift yourself into gear one way or the other. 

Another thing that might be happening is that you're having process overwhelm and paralysis. You don't know where to start on tasks or how to finish them. If you do get started. You have lists that are all over the place in an attempt to get things done. But everything is swirling in motion in your overwhelmed as to how to get those things organized. And done. You might also be having sleep issues, things like night terrors or not being able to fall asleep or falling asleep and then waking up with anxiety at three o'clock in the morning. If you have been dealing with your son or daughter for a while, and you're typically sleeping. Okay. Not great, but you're sleeping. Okay. And things have shifted lately to where now you are not sleeping even. Okay. And you're starting to have a lot of nightmares or night terrors. This is a sign that your body is not coping. 

There's also a feeling and a phenomenon of not being able to get out of bed. You might be arriving to the morning. And feeling like a slab of cement. The thought of even getting yourself out from under the covers and just getting your feet on the ground seems impossible. All you want to do is stay curled up under the covers and pull a pillow over your head. 

This may or may not come with feelings of [00:10:30] depression. You might not feel depression, but you literally physically cannot get out of bed. It's a real thing. And then lastly, you might be turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms yourself. Here's another taboo topic. When we, as parents are feeling burnout. 

It can be easy to turn to things that work. Really quickly. And one of those is food. Another is alcohol and another is work. So this could clearly be its own episode. Which I probably should do. So I won't go into a deep dive here, but you know yourself, and if you are turning to things that aren't adding to your health and you know, that they're potentially a source of numbing or coping for you. That's a good time to pull in some help without any shame without any embarrassment. It just is what it is. And people are trained and know how to help you with that. 

Okay. So any of these ringing a bell. If even two or three of these have resonated with you, it's a big fat burnout bell ringing, and it is so important to acknowledge them. And to acknowledge that it's okay. And it's predictable that you would feel this way. 

So that's great. You say. Well, what do I do about this? 

Well, depending. depending on how long you've been listening to Hopestream. You may know that I am a fan of radical honesty with our people when it comes to taking care of yourself. 

If you are trying to tap dance your way through this with a fake smile plastered on your face, you are eventually going to hit a wall. And the people around you are going to be the ones that suffer your stormy weather. And that's not fair because they are also in the storm to some degree. So if you're at the point of burnout right now, it's time to get super real with your partner, your [00:13:30] co-parent, your other kids, and also to your kiddo who is struggling. 

And if you are in a place where the waters are somewhat calm right now, there's not a crisis happening at the time. This is your best time to shore yourself up and create some protective factors. To keep you healthy. If the weather does change down the road. So what does counteracting parenting burnout look like? 

I'll give you three things to focus on because if I gave you all 13, I have, in my notes, it might add to your sense of overwhelm. So here are the important ones. 

First, get honest with the people in your world. Including your child who is struggling. The honest, in a way that doesn't lay guilt or blame on them, save that for your therapist or your community. But let them know that you have been off your game or whatever language it is that feels right to you. And let them know that you're working to get to a healthier place. That's it. You don't have to go into a ton of detail. About the why or about the, how or anything? Just give them a heads up that you recognize that you could be showing up in a more optimal way. And that they may see you doing some new things. 

And leave it there. You might also want to add in for some people that you are not asking them to fix you. And you're not asking them to fix the situation. But they need to know that you are working on this. And also, please be honest with your [00:15:00] doctor. Which by the way means you need to be seeing your doctor. And be honest with your therapist, your spouse, your co-parents. All of them. They need to know if you're about to implode, so share what you can in a moment. Where you're calm and collected. Not when the implosion is about to take place or taking place. 

Number two is to do an energy audit. This is important to figure out. At a pretty granular level where your energy is being sucked the most. You can do this audit by time of day. Like, are you pretty good until 3:00 PM? And then you just hit a wall. Or are you the cement block in your bed at 6:00 AM? 

You can also do this audit by person or place. Do you have patients with your son or daughter until they start talking about a certain topic? Or are you just frustrated and angry all the time? Is your partner on a totally different page than you. And the friction has reached a peak. Are you okay at work, but then not at home. 

So really drill down on this and write it out in a journal or on your phone somewhere. Track what's going on and when it's happening and who is with you when that is happening, and it'll give you a really good idea of where you need to take some specific care with yourself. And with those around you. 

Number three. Give yourself what you need without guilt. Or apologizing. [00:16:30] There's really no other way to get through this, but to be massively compassionate with yourself. And to do what you need to do for yourself. I really wish there was some other nifty. Creative hack that I could give you that would solve this and let you go on with all you have to do. 

But there's not there is you taking care of you. And if that feels hard to do or scary. Just start small and test the waters. Or. An alternative way to approach it would be go big, make a really healthy transformational shift in how you care for yourself. I'll close out with an insider secret that may save you some angst over this decision to take care of yourself. 

There is no award on the other side for people who run themselves into the ground and burnout. And lose themselves because of their child's substance use or addiction. There's just not. No one is going to present you with a plaque. And likewise, no one is going to arrest you or put you in the hall of shame for neglecting yourself. So your choice is yours alone, and truly, truly the people who will suffer or benefit the most. Are you in the people closest to you.

What you and others will remember when you look in the rear view mirror. Is how well you fared through this [00:18:00] experience, help present you were. And trust me when I say you will never look back and think. Gosh, I wish I had been harder on myself. What you will say. And I say this from direct experience is, Gosh, I wish I would have taken a lot better care of myself and then much kinder to myself. 

So looking at your options. You can allow yourself to burn out and be sick and tired and dysregulated. Which means you and your child are both on the same level. Or you can make the conscious effort. To get one of you healthier and in a better place to manage and deal with things. And that one. Is you. 

Starting today. What can you do? Maybe you start with your energy audit. Just take today to observe. Be really aware of your body. Be aware of your mood and your energy level. 

 Or if you're already aware and you know exactly what you need to work on. What is one thing, only one, that you can do by the time you put your head on your pillow tonight to start turning the ship around. Maybe it's talking to your people and just letting them know where you are and what your plans are to get healthier. Or maybe it's leaving the house projects alone for the weekend and getting out to do something fun that you love. 

It's okay. The projects we'll wait. I know this because I [00:19:30] have several of my own just sitting there waiting for me. 

All right. My friend, let's do a quick review before I wrap up. Just in case your brain fog has set in. A review is always helpful. First, we talked about how parenting and empathy burnout. Are real, but also might be hard to recognize or admit. We also talked about some of the common things that you might be feeling or experiencing both the emotional and physical and how it's important to observe yourself to understand if things have changed lately. 

Then we talked about three things you can do to start dealing with the burnout. 

First, get honest with your people. And this includes your child. Who's struggling. 

Second, do an energy audit to start to understand what needs attention first. 

And third, give yourself what you need without guilt or apologizing. 

It's something you're in control of and will have the biggest impact on your long-term outcome with this experience. 

Thanks so much for being here. I'm so glad you took these few minutes to be mindful today about finding ways. To be healthier. And as a result, To help your son or daughter. 

[00:21:00]   

Brenda

Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to go to the show notes, you can always find those at www.brendazane.com/podcast, each episode is listed there with a full transcript, all of the resources that we mentioned, as well as a place to leave comments if you'd like to do that. You might also want to download a free ebook I wrote called hindsight. Three things I wish I knew when my son was addicted to drugs. It's full of the information I wish I would have known when my son was struggling with his addiction. You can grab that at www.Brendazane.com/hindsight. Thanks again for listening and I will meet you right back here next week.