What Parents Need to Know About Trauma-Informed and Responsive Transport and Interventions, with Heather Hayes
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
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Guest: Heather Hayes, Heather Hayes & Assoc.
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episode transcript
SPEAKERS
Brenda Zane, Heather Hayes
Brenda
Brenda
Welcome to a much needed conversation on a topic I get asked about all the time, which is the subject of interventions and transport. And if you're wondering what transport is, that is when you hire people to physically move your personal. From where they are to another place. Most often from home to a treatment program or between two treatment programs, there tends to be a debate in the field of adolescent treatment, specifically around these topics, mainly because in a situation where your child doesn't know they're going to be going anywhere.
And they're surprised by people. They don't know who show up at their home to take them most often out of state. It is understandably scary and can be traumatic if it's not done well. My family went through this experience. And I know many of you have also made that really painful and excruciating decision for us removing my son from the environment that he was putting himself in was the safest decision that we could make. And I personally decided it was worth risking him being really pissed off and potentially severing our relationship in order to get him to safer ground, so to speak. And I truly did believe that this decision that I [00:03:00] made with my ex-husband to have him transported to treatment was going to be the end of our relationship.
That was the only outcome that I could foresee at the. So it felt really important to me to have this conversation, because I know many of you are in the position where your son or daughter is for sure, smoking a lot of pot and drinking. And you're not sure if they're also taking pills, which of course have fentanyl in them and you are weighing the decision to move beyond local resources that you have been using. That is something that I also want to be sure and highlight before we get into the important conversation. Because the decision to place your child in an out of home treatment program is no small task and it definitely should not be your first move.
Unless the circumstances are pretty dire, but in general, the goal is to utilize every single local resource that you have available to you and to your family in an attempt to keep your son or daughter home while you work through their options. Now, unfortunately that does not always work. It didn't work in our family's case. And so then you have to make the hard decision about what is the right next step. And I will tell you. Spoiler alert. There is not one right next step. And so if somebody tells you that there is please run the other direction, this is one of those things where one [00:04:30] size does not fit all. There is not one option.
And it's probably the most agonizing part of having an at-risk child who's involved with substances, which often means they're involved in other high risk behaviors and people. And there isn't a standard protocol to resolve this. So you must educate yourself about your options, consider the impact of having your child remain in the circumstances that they're in and then weigh those costs and benefits of getting him or her into a safer place.
And what that would look like. For me this decision, the two or so months that it took my ex-husband and me to get aligned on what we were going to do was the singular most heart and gut retching decision I've ever had to make. I probably lost 10 pounds and a dozen or so hours of sleep, just trying to decide if I was the worst mother on the planet for having my son removed from our house without his prior knowledge yet after the fact, after the drama of it, all I realized he was putting himself in much, much greater danger on a daily basis, putting drugs into his system that easily could have killed him, hanging out with people who easily could have killed him.
And I had to intervene to get him out and it was hell making that [00:06:00] call. So coming full circle here, my guest today is going to help us understand this whole scenario better. And I'm so grateful that she. Join me for this conversation because it is so important and it is so agonizing.
Heather Hayes is the founder and CEO of Heather Hayes and associates. She is a licensed counselor, a board registered interventionists, and a certified ARISE Interventionist. She also happens to be a person in long-term recovery, which gives her a very unique viewpoint on addiction. And. Heather is a veteran of the behavioral health field with over 30 years of experience, working with addictions and other disorders.
She and her team specialize in the treatment of adolescents and young adults, trauma, brain disorders, complex mental health issues, and the full spectrum of addictive disorders. Heather also serves as an on-air expert and consultant for CNN and Dr. Oz and has been featured on A&E, ABC, CBS, BBC, Fox, MTV, and NBC.
She is also a featured interventionist on the 2018 and 19 seasons of A&E’s high profile show Intervention. Heather practices trauma informed, responsive interventions, and also specializes in recovery companions, the respectful adolescent transport process, family [00:07:30] intensive workshops and addictions and mental health coaching.
I can't tell you how grateful I am that we were able to spend this time together. And I know you're going to soak up so much from the discussion. So let's dive in now to this important, important dialogue about addiction, adolescents, transportation, and interventions with Heather Hayes.
It's wonderful to have you here, Heather, I'm excited for this conversation because it's a conversation about things that can be very scary for parents. And so I'm glad to be able to have some time with you to clear some stuff up. Let parents know that these are all things that professionals think about, you know, so welcome to Hopestream And thanks for joining me.
Heather
Thank you. It's such an honor to be here. I really love the topic, my passion, I work with all ages, but my passion is really teenagers and young adults. I mean, I don't dislike the older, but I think, you know, I don't know if you know, what's not on my resume is that I got into my own recovery when I was 21. So I had. The story, my using was that of a person using during adolescents and young [00:09:00] adulthood. So do you get sober at 21? Most of my trauma and drug use and everything else had happened earlier.
So part of why I'm so passionate about what I do is I really, truly believe that the earlier we can get in and help folks get. Yeah, for me, it allowed me to have decades of my life that I was able to create and, and build upon my own personal recovery. So I got a little backwards. I was at university of Georgia and I thought if I changed my major to psychology, it might help me sort out how I could stop using so much cocaine and drinking so much alcohol and making a fool of myself every time I did.
So, and it took me a little bit of time. I mean, it wasn't like I started out and immediately, you know, took my first psych class, but I did end up going to treatment and asking to go myself, which is unused. Wow. That is, that is really, did your parents know what was going on with you? They did. And I'll tell you, this is what I, you know, for me, one of the first family sessions we had when I was in treatment was my saying to my parents, why didn't you do anything?
Because they could have intervened on me easily. Maybe not easily for them, but they could have intervened on me when I was 16, I fully met the criteria for substance use disorder and I had car [00:10:30] accidents. I was kicked out of private schools. I, my behavior was this a boring, I mean, I was really kind of a terrorist within the family.
You know, I ran away from home for six months and was gone, but then on the streets, so there were a lot. Choice points along the way. And I believe a lot of it had to do with stigma. I mean, we're talking about the late seventies, early eighties. I got sober in 1982, so we didn't know as much about it being an illness.
It was more of a more moral failing. I think my appearance had a lot of shame around that feeling like maybe they had been bad parents, not knowing what to do. I had a grandfather who'd been a United States Senator, so there was a lot. Stigma as well as not wanting to have everyone see the black sheep of the family.
And so I often share that with families too, who are hesitant or resistant to wanting to do something, to get in there and get their teen health. I'm sure on the outsides of it at 16, 17, 18, I was angry a lie. I was rebellious. I was, you know, it wouldn't have been easy to get me help, but I'm glad I didn't die.
It was a lot of relief for me. When I got into treatment me again, there was a [00:12:00] period of time where I first got in, even though it was my idea where I thought, oh, a very, very grave mistake. What am I doing here? I'm different than all these other people. And, you know, surely this is just the wrong path. But after really, for me, two or three weeks of my brain clearing my brain chemistry, settling down.
I really began to see that I had an illness, that it was treatable and the path of destruction I was on became so clear that I was really grateful and it wasn't an easy journey, but I was grateful that I had this support. And then I was on that journey and had the opportunity to make the changes in my life underneath it all.
I was just hurting, you know, hurting a lot. And that's what was. That's what I was really acting out was, you know, my addiction was really a sign of distress.
Brenda
Yeah. Well, I'm so curious to ask you, given your history and then also what you do now. Cause I, I hear this debate all the time. Which is, do you think your treatment or when you chose it and because you chose it, or do you think that if your parents had intervened and like you said, you probably would not have gone willingly or easily, do you think that it would have had the same chance to work at that age. You know what I mean? It's so hard.
Heather
So it is hard. And I have [00:13:30] this parents ask me this question all the time. You know, all the research shows that a person need not be willing to go to get help for it to be effective. And that makes total sense to me.
Like for example, first of all, I don't think as a community, we've done a great job educating folks around what is addiction look like? What are the signs? What are the symptoms? Why is it okay to get. Like I often make the analogy that new, we have fire drills in school. We have tornado drills. We have God forbid active shooter drills, but we don't have addiction, drills and addictions more likely to kill our children than anything, you know, then fires or, or overhead, you know, or car accidents.
You know? So today we're looking at 255 individuals a day dying of overdoses. So for me, my brain chemistry was impaired. People who are using drugs, their brain chemistry is impaired. They don't have insight. They don't have the ability to make good logical decisions and then follow through on it. And so we know the earlier you can get in and disrupt that the earlier you can get in and give help, the less likely people are to develop full blown addiction and the more lives.
Coupled with the fact there's a whole new narrative that I have to speak to today that I didn't have to speak about 15 years ago, which is that there's poison in our drugs. [00:15:00] So even normal, if there is such a thing experimentation for teens, because we know the average age of use a first use is 12. We know that many start younger than that, some start later than that, we know that there's some statistics out there that 2,500 children a day, teenagers will try a prescription pill for the first time to get high that's. So we know it's out there. And the problem today, um, is that there's no room for experimentation because there's poison. And the drugs.
So we're now saying you, I saw an article recently about the fentanyl deaths happening with middle-schoolers, you know, and most of them don't even meet the criteria for substance use disorder. It's the first, second, third time that they, that they've used. So it's really scary. And I think we have to really look at how we present prevention to our children when we present that and how we help our parents really armed themselves to have these discussions around the dining room table at night, while they're having dinner. So they can, can begin that education at home. The more we can stop the pouring of drugs or alcohol and an immature undeveloped brain, I think.
Kids are involved in high-risk behavior, which today includes, you know, trying drugs for the first time. [00:16:30] Anything we can do to get into.
Brenda
Right. Right. And I say this a lot, because this was true for my son, which is, you know, he went to wilderness and then he went to a boarding school and then he ran away and he relapsed, you know, multiple times over and over and over.
However, during those times when he was in a program, he was safe, and alive and he had a clear brain. And so there was learning that was going on that would have not happened had we just waited for him to choose treatment, which he today says would never in a million years would have happened. So it's such a struggle for parents.
And this is why I was also so excited to talk to you because in what you're doing around trauma informed and trauma responsive work is that for me personally, I delayed treatment. Finding treatment and actually acting on it because I was so afraid of the trauma that I've thought was going to be inflicted upon my son and was in some way.
So I'm dying to hear about all of that, because I think just hearing the word transportation or intervention, like it just gives parents the heebie-jeebies who are just like, oh my gosh, I can't do that to my child. You know? And so. What have you seen sort of, I know you've been in this world for a while and you've, you've done so much work.
What have you seen over the years that's changed [00:18:00] and that you're hopeful about in the whole realm of, of getting our kids to treatment and then also what's happening to them when they're there.
Heather
Absolutely. So I've worked in the mental health and addiction field in various capacities for almost 40 years now, So a long time, I've seen a lot of changes and part of the changes that I've seen, I mean, I really do believe that the treatment today is as good as it's ever been. We've got evidence-based treatment. We know the parts of the brain that are impacted by addiction. We've got a lot of new ways to come in and help really address.
Uh, a person's needs, their trauma, you know, early on, there was sort of a, even when I was in treatment, there was a little bit of a philosophy that was held over from delayed sixties, early seventies, that the belief was you had to tear a person down and then build them back up and heavily confront them.
And even when I was in treatment, I was on the other side of a lot of that. And as a woman and a young adult, With a very fragile sense of self-esteem a very fragile, almost like ego strings, like coping skills. My coping skills had been the drugs and alcohol. It was hurtful, it was unnecessary. And so I vowed that I was going to do things different.
And so part of that, you know, I think our treatments today incorporate a lot of really more compassionate [00:19:30] work. We, you know, back in the eighties, they would isolate kids and, you know, it was more behavior modification. It was really kind of dehumanizing. And today, you know, again, there are ways that we know.
Teenagers save, especially if they're self-harming, but aren't so isolating and it can help them understand where those behaviors are coming from and getting down to the root causes, as well as having the family come in and support. Not as much saying, okay, your child's going to treatment you, you can't talk to them, you know, but really bringing the family in and helping the family begin to do their own work as well.
I want to tell you a story. So I had gone to graduate school in Boston, where I worked with heroin addicts out of the Boston projects. And then I came back to Atlanta and I started an adolescent unit with a very well-known psychiatrist, adolescent psychiatrist. She was an incredible mentor. She had opened a unit.
Brought in myself and three others and just the whole team to help start the unit. So I was one of four therapists. I was the only female. So as a result, I had to learn quickly how to. Treat eating disorders, trauma, anxiety disorders. And really, you know, that's when my trauma work began is really starting to learn how to help these young girls.
But there was also, the other thing that I found that I was really good at is when we had a very explicit. [00:21:00] Angry male client who maybe the men would try and talk to. And the testosterone kind of build up. They'd send me in because I could have a very, you know, not easily ruffled so I can have a very calming private presence and just like, Hey, let's talk, what's going on? It's going to be okay. So a client had come in. I'm just going to call him Daniel. And he was 17 years old and he had gotten there and he was angry. I mean, rageful and a big part of what he was angry and rageful about was the fact that he had men come into his house. At two in the morning, his parents were told to leave.
He was told you can either do it our way or not. They cuffed him drug him out of the house and brought them into true. And he was mad about it and I got it. I thought what a horrible, horrible way to begin your healing journey? I mean, that's just, and he was in treatment for about four months. Did really well in treatment and got ready to leave.
He had a great aftercare plan and was still angry about how he'd gotten into treatment. Five years later, I ran into him and, you know, big hugs. It was great to see him. He was still sober. He graduated college, he'd gotten a job. He was really excited and he was still angry about how he'd gotten to treatment.
And that's when I really began to develop my model of adolescent transport. [00:22:30] And again, it's difficult on anyone when you're living in a way there's a homeostasis to it. And maybe that you're on drugs, you're in the midst of self destructive behavior, but there's still that kind of familiarity to it. So when you have to leave your home and go get.
Even though it may be a hundred percent the best thing for you. It's still difficult to change. It's an unknown. And so what I really have worked hard to do is how to have that process happen in a way that can really minimize. The trauma. So I, you know, don't believe in going in, in the middle of the night.
I don't believe in having parents leave the home because I can't imagine there's anything that would possibly happen that they would need to leave the home for. I mean their child may yell and scream and you know, but they know that that's part of why they need the help is because they can't regulate.
That's not new. I mean, they're probably glad they have a witness, but also, you know, we say to parents, You know, if your teenager goes and gets help, here's the most important thing your entire family system needs to get help. You've all got to begin to do your own work because your child cannot come back to the home, into the same family systems, organization, and flourish.
You have to do your work too. So everybody has to get onboard. So to me, I'm like, well then why would we say, except for, let's start this whole process out by you leaving and we're going to go in and fix it for you [00:24:00] and take your kid out. So, you know, it just didn't make sense. So for me, part of how we do it is we work hard.
It's like a mini intervention, meaning the parents are prepared the night before we do them in the morning because of travel, having to travel day. Try and do it at a decent hour. There's an occasional time where we may have to do it early because certain wilderness programs, for example, may meet us to get there by a certain time.
So the flight's at 6:00 AM or something really early. So we'll also talk with families about whether they'd rather have us overnight, so we can do it a little later or go ahead and get there to have that choice. The family's prepared. They write letters that we use that really have them sit down and talk with their child about what they love about them, what’s right about them. Because when you're a teen in distress, you forget like you're in the midst of that existential angst, wondering why the world is so painful and what it's all about and why am I so mad and why can't I do anything right. So to come in and lovingly remind them of what's right with that.
And then also to talk through, here's why here's what we're worried about. Here's why we've made this decision. Not will you please, or won't you, you know, but here's why we've made this decision. So we're sending you off knowing why, and. The transporters that I've trained have been trained. They've met, taken a 16 hour training that I teach [00:25:30] on trauma and how to help minimize trauma and how to help, you know, piece by piece in the, in the work we do to safely get your child, you know, your loved one from home to the treatment center, from a hospital to the treatments.
In a way that they, you again are kept from any kind of impulse of running or that sort of thing, but also, you know, informed here's what's going to happen next here's, you know, what would you like to eat? We try and find out all kinds of things about the child ahead of time so that we know how to help make that trip more comfortable for them while keeping them protected.
Brenda
Well, that sounds like the most humane way to do it. Is that true for, for younger adolescents and people who are over 18? Cause I think that's where a lot of parents get confused is, you know, if they're under 18, we've made this decision, you are going, this is not a choice. So what do you do in a situation like that?Where the kid might be really combative, really resisting. There is no way I am going with you.
Heather
Then, you know, we spend a lot of time talking with them, talking through, you know, and if they're going to be a danger to themselves that they start to hit themselves or pick up an object or you, I did an intervention not too [00:27:00] long ago where I had a kid smash, something to hold it up to, you know, there's certain ways we have to step in to be protected.
So you, again, it's the absolute exception that, you know, my team has to go hands-on, but we're trained in a way to softly help, keep them safe as well. If they do try and hurt themselves or someone else and near the other thing we do is like, wow. Teens wear flip-flops even with socks, cause it's harder to run.
And then also we have a more backpacks of snap in the front. And part of why we do that is we'll say to them, you know, we're just getting to know each other and we don't think it's okay to touch people against their will. So what we're going to do is we're going to have a hand on the backpack as we walk out to the car and you know, the reason our hands there is just.
Just make sure you don't get an impulse and run. And so here's part of how we're going to work together. As we build trust, you know, there are clinical reasons why we use those backpacks. She has some transport companies, all have their arms intertwined together, but you know, again, if you look at all of the national statistics, you know, one in five of the general population reports that they were abused as a child.
So I always come into this. With the understanding that we're working with the top part of the bell curve, not the general public we're working with teenagers who have already gotten into distress, and we're going to treat them as we would a known individual. [00:28:30] And so would that, like, I don't ever know someone's been held down or what's maybe happened. So we want to be really respectful of that.
Brenda
That's really so good to hear because I know. When I was envisioning the process, it was so horrifying. And you feel, I felt as a parent, like who does this to their child? Do you know who has their kid quote [00:30:00] unquote kidnapped in the middle of the night by these giant men? And it just felt so awful. And ours went fairly well, fairly smooth way smoother than I thought it was going to.
But if I had known, and I think if, if I. And assured that these are the things that we're thinking about. Even the smallest thing about holding someone's arm versus a backpack is huge. When you're thinking about your child on the one hand and, you know, Kathy, our community director in the stream. And we were talking the other day, which was kind of hilarious is that if we had known what our kids were doing, At the time, like this would have been nothing compared to what they weren't doing on their own, you know, they were in such dangerous situations, but it sounds like you're also taking that into consideration because by the time a family makes a decision for an out-of-home placement, like this things are bad.
This is not just like, oh, he's just smoking a little pot. Like things are. Really bad. And so there is a good chance that they've been traumatized with the drug dealing or buying or the, just the crazy situations that they get themselves into. So you have to factor that into, even if there was never any sort of abuse or anything in the home, what they've experienced in their career as a substance user could very well have been traumatized.
Heather
Absolutely. I mean, I think that's [00:31:30] such a good point, which is that parents are only getting a tip of the iceberg because teenagers are so good at hiding everything. So you may have only caught him three times, but you can probably add a couple of zeros to the end of how many times you've really done it.
I always say to parents, I put your seatbelt on because there'll be a part of treatment where the, you know, where your child's going to get honest with you about what they've been doing and you're going to be. Because it's going to be way more than you than you imagined. I mean, that's the norm, there's some exceptions, but that's generally the norm and here's a whole form of trauma.
That's really where you traumatize yourself. And so when you go against your moral compass, when you put yourself in dangerous situations. And so I think that when individuals are using drugs and alcohol, they will. Put themselves in risky situation, they'll say, or do things that aren't who they really are.
Then when they sober up, they can have either flashbacks about that. I mean, if, if I'm 16 and I'm at a party and everybody's drinking and I drink because they all are. And then, you know, I am sexually assaulted. I might blame myself. I might not feel like I can talk about it because in my amount that I was drinking or if I'm 17 and I'm addicted to heroin or pain pills, And I'm going into withdrawal.
And I know if I have sex with, with someone, they'll give me drones, you know, it wasn't right, but it was traumatic. [00:33:00] So there are a lot of ways in which individuals will end up traumatizing themselves and it's every bit as painful. And there's all that layers and core just layer upon layer. Yeah. And I think for the parents too, and as parents, we don't even know, like you said, we're only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
So what we do sometimes as we do the movie projector, right? And we're like, oh, we start playing this movie in our mind of what might happen or what's going to happen. And so how do you, cause I know your processes is pretty thorough. How do you work with parents and maybe even siblings. I'd love to hear about that.
Leading up to either an intervention or transport to sort of communicate all of this. Because that would just sort of lot a huge amount of worry off of their mind. I would think. No, I think that there's power and knowledge and there's also like, it helps reduce anxiety. PTSD trauma. And the first half is traumatic having a child who's addicted, and often our children have had other issues.
Maybe they've struggled as a child in grade school, or they were bullied or they had medical issues. Like there are a lot of things that are traumatic that can [00:34:30] happen in a family system or intergenerational, you know, you grew up with alcoholic parents or you have, you know, again, so. For me, you know, I always think about how important it is to help explain things to go through and always think about that example.
Like if I go to the doctor to get something right, and you know, like, let's say I have a, I go to the dermatologist, she doesn't just walk in and start cutting away. Like tells me what he's going to do now. I'm going to numb it a little bit. Why? Because we like to know what's going to happen. We get super anxious if we don't.
So it's the same for families, for parents, for siblings to talk about what, you know, with like with an intervention, we'll spend a lot of time together getting ready for the intervention. Like we can do them quickly if we need to, if there's an emergency situation, but. We've got a week or two where we're getting history, we're having, you know, either in-person meetings or zoom meetings to really talk about what's going to happen.
And then before we get in either the night before we do the transport or the day or evening, before we have the intervention, we have a whole meeting to, to again, go through everything, all the logistics so that, you know, we try and minimize. Trauma survivors. Don't like surprises. You know, most of us don't like surprises anyway.
So try and [00:36:00] go through and predict all of that while also helping support that you, again, this is the right thing to do. Uh, as you said, families would rather get root canals and call the interventionists or send their child off to treatment. So things have gotten bad. And in a time when, again, like I said, there's poison into drugs.
I mean, there's no room to say, well, they promised me they'd stop. They promise they get better. I mean, you know, my best advice is if you think your child, if you've caught them or do you think their behaviors changed? Get an evaluation, you know, go for a really good, you know, drug test includes a hair test and, you know, a urine, a urine drug screen.
She really can know because when I was using, you know, I like to think of myself as an honest person, but I'll tell you what, when I was using, I was the biggest liar. I mean, I, my mother found drugs in my pocket and I mean, You know, I denied, I know how they got there. Like they were my pocket for mom, you know, like I had this whole elaborate story I came up with and somebody had borrowed my jeans and I put them on.
I think I would just like crazy. So it's like, we will lie. So you just can't, you know, and we want to, but as parents, we want to believe our children. We don't want them to be in pain and we don't want it to be that. You know, it's somebody else for the [00:37:30] genes and put it in the pocket because there's sort of that whole, like please not my kid.
I like what you said about, there's just not time. And I say that over and over on this podcast and in our community is that it is Russian roulette day to day. If your child is experimenting, you know, we lost a kid in our community about six months ago, eight months ago, who not being quote unquote, an addict.
Experimenting got the wrong Percocet off of a guy on Snapchat and never woke up. And it is just so devastating and mind boggling to think that that could happen, but it does. And so I think there's for a lot of parents, the, the idea of, you know, having your kid go to treatment is just so extreme. But I don't know that they're thinking about.
The other extreme, which is you are now visiting your child at a graveyard, which is so real, so real. That is not an exaggeration. Yeah.
Heather
We live in a dream world. I mean, we really do you're right. It is Russian roulette and it's a different, you know, when I worked with families 25 [00:39:00] years ago, I had different messaging. In fact, I thought it was. It was similar messaging, you know, around getting help and really that prevention piece like you do with any other illness. But today, you know, I mean, really, it only takes one bad bill for your child to die or heroin. So rampant, you know, their drugs out there. And then it's also filled with fentanyl.
I mean, they're very dangerous drugs. And back to what we kind of were talking about earlier on too, it's the absolute exception that. Uh, teenager or even a 50 year old is going to reach out and ask for help. Like most people go because they have pressure pressure from families, pressure from their employers, pressure from school pressures, from the courts.
So most people, and again, even if you don't have those negative consequences, you, you don't, why would you change your behavior? Because part of it is that, you know, drugs work. You know, for a moment you get that relief, you get that. Uh you're. If you're shy, you're suddenly not shy anymore. So that's the seductive part of it.
And yet there's no place for it, so it can be so deadly and so dangerous.
Brenda
I wonder I'm kind of going back and thinking about the. Being in the hall, um, you know, and thinking of a mom or dad who might be listening and they're considering, you know, either [00:40:30] transport or an intervention and what are some things that we absolutely should and shouldn't do, if that is the case.
I know for myself, I got really nervous and I started acting really weird, like the day that my son was going to get transported and he knew he was like, something is up because my mom is acting really weird and you know, I'm not a very good actress. So I think I just, you know, I let it all out. But are there things that you've seen over and over that you would say if at all possible, here are some do's and don'ts in that scenario.
Heather
Absolutely. So first off, I believe work with a professional. They can help guide you through this whole process. Stay off the internet because the minute you go onto the internet, there are a lot of places out there that, I mean, your prey they're some of the best websites are from the worst places in the country.
And so there are all kinds of unethical and ethical practices going on on the internet, but follow your professional. You know, follow their advice, you know, first off, make sure they're licensed, get some recommendations from families they've worked with. And then if you're doing a transport again, breathe, if you're anxious, reach out to your support team, which would include the professionals you're working with.
Check your history in your, on your internet browser, because we, I can't tell you how many teams have said. I knew it was coming. I saw last week. I know where you're sending. I know. [00:42:00] And again, with over 18 mean, that's the hardest because they're legal adults and yet they're still so immature. And, you know, that's where we have to come in and do an intervention.
And with the intervention. That's the entire family coming together with a professional to really talk to them about their worry, their concern, and helping motivate them. You know, we're going and getting treatment is a better option. And some that at times that includes looking at again, there are things that we're naturally drawn to do as loving humans with hearts that if someone that we love is in distress, it would be helpful.
But when you have addiction or mental health issue, They don't play by the same rules. So money's a big example. I had this Whopper of a story when I was at university of Georgia, that how, you know, I had gotten in trouble, came home and my parents were talking to me. Got the tears and had this whole story about how I just didn't have the right outfits to fit in.
So I ended up getting in trouble and then getting shopping spree now, not because my parents wanted to reinforce, but that's what happened. Like I was so good. So again, I talked to parents about looking at what supports help versus what contributes to demand. And often we have to step outside of our comfort zones.
So our kids want. They want us to help pay for things. But again, if you've got a child, who's got a substance use problem and you're aware of it, [00:43:30] then if you send them to college without having gotten any help, that's not beneficial. It may hurt your heart in the moment, but it's harmful in the long run.
So we want to look at doing those things. Come in and support help. And so that's a big part of what intervention is about is having a professional there that also helps you look at it, not for punished. We don't want to come in and say, okay, you're not going. So we're going to take these things away. It needs to make sense.
You know, it needs to make sense therapeutically as to. How do we help make it more appealing to go get help? And also parents don't want to be buying drugs for their kids, that if you're giving them money and they're actively using that's, what's ending up happening. Yeah. Yeah. The whole concept of, and I hate the word enabling.
Brenda
I like how you said it, you know, my contributing to the demise of, of what's going on or trying to, to not do that, which I think is the best we can do
Heather
As parent professionals we have been horrible to parents, you know, particularly the moms, but, you know, we blame them. Many mothers will come into my office and there are a million, four letter words you can call them that would go over better than enabler.
Like enabler has become this weaponize shaming, you know, that, and also referring to feelings as sick makes me so upset. Like families are. They're full of strengths. They will be here [00:45:00] longer. I mean, do generations, there are survivors and they also often have mental health and substance use and trauma within their system.
And so, you know, parents are doing the absolute best. They can given the situation. And again, You know, instead of words, like denial, for example, like, oh, you're just in denial. You know, I try and look at like, let's de pathologize our families. Like they already feel bad enough. Don't tell them they're trying to kill their kids.
Cause they're not, they love their children. And so I think about like, you know, denial, I look at it, is it energy behind denial is fears, protection. Like we don't want our loved ones. But also talking to families about taking that energy fierce protection and utilizing it in a way that really is more helpful than what we're doing.
You know, when my parents, you know, when I write a bad check, you know, at the liquor store at the university of Georgia and overdraw, my checking account, and my parents would step in. Put more money in the bank. They weren't trying to harm me, but you know, no matter how many, how to balance your checkbook lectures, they gave me that wasn't the problem.
I could do that, but I could act like I couldn't. So when they finally said we are not putting money in your checking account anymore, that was helpful. So, you know, just an example. Again, part of this healing process is asking parents to step out of their comfort [00:46:30] zone and to really begin to do things differently the family begins to change the healing begins and the healing for your teenager will begin.
Brenda
Yeah, it's such a long process. And I think there's also sometimes a misperception that we're going to send them off to wilderness therapy or to this treatment program. And it's going to be 30 days or 90 days, and then they're going to come back and everything's going to be fixed.
And I think we do a disservice. If we don't talk about the fact that that might not be true, regardless of how good your team is, regardless of how wonderful your transport went or your intervention, it just might not happen that way.
Heather
And it doesn't mean that it failed. It is a long process. And yet we're talking about immature, undeveloped, we're talking about needing to help teenagers build new coping skills. We're talking about families having to change the way they, they. You almost have to kind of deconstruct the way your family system interacts and connects to be able to reconstruct in a healthier way. And so that deconstruction is, can be scary, you know? Cause you're kind of like, you may know how to connect in a certain way, but you don't know what it looks like.
You know, there's a familiarity to it, but there's a lot of exciting and potential. If you think about how well your family's done generational. Given all this substance use and mental health and all that sort of like if we can [00:48:00] get that out of the picture, look at where we'll really be. So there's a lot of hope and a lot of health and substance use disorder is the only illness where you have the potential to be better off than you were before you get treated.
Like all other illnesses you get. And you try and get back to that same level of functioning with substance use disorder, you as a potential to have support new ways of coping new ways to communicate the, it can be better than expected. And there's so many young people out there in recovery, and we have over 200 collegiate recovery campuses, which means that young adults and teenagers got server.
And then. Said, we're going to give ourselves support in college so we can have fun. We can not sober tailgating. We cannot support. And they've created those programs. I mean, it's really a beautiful and exciting thing. How by going and getting treatment, even get into a better university than she would have beforehand.
Brenda
It's really very cool. Right? No, it's so true. I just had a gal on the podcast last week. It's not out yet, but she was basically the walking dead. That's how she described herself. And she is now, you know, post-treatment working at this incredible job and she's like, I can't wait to wake up every morning and go to work.
And she said, it is so far beyond my wildest dreams that she's like, it's kind of frustrating. Cause I don't know how to describe it. And I just think that's so beautiful and you're [00:49:30] right. I'm glad that you said that it's such a good insight that there is. Opportunity to be healthier. And I think a lot of people like you, you find your life's passion and your purpose through that.
Not everybody, right. Not everybody that goes through that ends up, you know, working in the field, but so many do and what an amazing blessing, because I think the fact that, you know, what it's like to have been in that. Is a huge bonus. I think other people who haven't been through it can be effective that there's at least from what my son tells me.
There's nothing like sitting with another person who you can look at in the eyes and say, you know what? It's like, you know what? It's like, it's so amazing. If I could give you a billboard in downtown Atlanta and you could put anything on it that you wanted to say to the universe, what would it say?
Heather
Don't give up hope we do.
Brenda
Yeah, it's so true. So true. And put like 5,000 smiling faces of the people who have recovered.
Heather
23.5 million people who are actively addicted 22 million people in recovery. And we don't spend enough time talking about the 22 million in recovery. Yes. And that's to give that. It is. Yes. And it's one of the reasons why I do this podcast and I try to have recovery stories on is to hear that and to know, okay, [00:51:00] it can happen.
It might not be happening right now for me, but it can happen for sure.
Brenda
What do you love most about what you do?
Heather
You know, I love everything that I do. I mean, I really am so blessed. You know, when I first got clean, I just knew more than anything I'd ever known in my life that I wanted to help people and I wanted to be a counselor.
And so I really, I remember I was at a, at a workshop and everybody had to go around and introduce themselves, and then they had to talk about like one job. They had that they hate it. I turned to my best friend was sitting next to me and I go, now, part of that is I've never had to work a bad job as a teenager or anything like that.
Or might've had that story that I was a little bit spoiled. So I go, I'm just going to stand up and say, I've always loved what I want to do. And she kind of like jokingly said, you get to sound a little entitled. And I go, well, I mean, it's a good thing. So I've done a lot of different things, hospital or private practice.
It's an honor for me to be able to live my passion every day and connect and be able to really. Some of the most beautiful families who allow me to be there for a moment on their journey to help give some direction. I mean, it's really a blessing. You know, like my warning for parents is anyone who steps in and says, I have all the answers gonna, you know, I saved your kid's library, run the other way.
It's the [00:52:30] families doing the work. I'm like a little blip on the radar that comes in and. Here's some tools, here's some guidance. Here's how you take this and utilize it in your own life. And what an honor and a privilege it is for me to be able to be with families on their journey and do that. It says a lot about.
The fact that there is hope because what you do is very intense and very serious situations, probably life and death at some points. And so the fact that you can love it so much and have that much hope just tells me that. People do change and that things can get better because if it didn't, you probably wouldn't continue to do it year after year.
Brenda
Right. That's right. Oh, incredible. Thank you so much. I'm going to put all of your information in the show notes. Is there any other resources there, like a favorite book that you have that you recommend a family? Or anything that if somebody is just looking to grab onto something today, maybe they're not in a place where they're ready to, you know, make a move on, on treatment. Is there something that you love to just share with people?
Heather
Part of what I've really tried to do on my website is not a blog a week. I try and cover all kinds of issues. You can almost kind of get a sense of like, oh, Heather must have had a lot of thought disorder [00:54:00] cases in the last month. Blogs seem to be on thought disorders this month, but I then put them on my website as a way, and they've all got referenced.
So again, I've got articles. I have a whole community packet I put together to like, what's an intervention. How do you talk to your child? You know, our kids buying drugs on Snapchat. So really if you have any questions, go to the website. Types of things in, you know, you can always reach out to us, to my team and ask questions and anything that we can always do to help, but I think there's definitely power and knowledge and sometimes just researching it and understanding.
So that's, that's been sort of my, again, I've been doing this for 40 years. I had some great mentors along the way, and in part of my giving back to the community and giving back, that's part of what I do is each week you have a. I write a blog on something that I think is appropriate and sometimes families will reach out and say, Hey, can you write a blog on, fill in the gap? And so I'll do it. I'll put it in my list of to do blogs.
Brenda
Oh, that's great. Awesome. Well, I will definitely put a link to that so people can find it. Thank you, Heather. I appreciate your time and your, your love. I can tell you just love the families that you work with tremendously. So I thank you for that.
Heather
Thanks. Thank you so much. And just appreciate everyone who even has the courage to stop and listen to your podcast because it's scary. So [00:55:30] you get better and there are plenty of us out there that. Guide you through this process as well. You don't have to do it alone.
Brenda
Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to go to the show notes, you can always find those at At Brendazane.com/podcast, each episode is listed there with a full transcript, all of the resources that we mentioned, as well as a place to leave comments if you'd like to do that. You might also want to download a free ebook I wrote called Hindsight: Three things I wish I knew when my son was addicted to drugs. It's full of the information I wish I would have known when my son was struggling with his addiction. You can grab that at Brendazane.com/hindsight. Thanks again for listening and I will meet you right back here next week.