using rituals to withstand distress, build resilience and counteract triggers when your child is misusing drugs or alcohol (and a little pep talk), with Brenda Zane
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @the.stream.community
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Episode resources:
Hopestream episode 100
Episode transcript:
Brenda Zane
Hi friends. It is really good to meet you here today. As you know, I love doing solo shows where we get to spend some time together talking about more personal things. And don't get me wrong. My guests are so incredible, some of the most incredible people ever, but I also think there are times where you just need a heart-to-heart with someone who has walked in your shoes and understands the nuances of what you deal with day in and. So that is why I love to take some time each month to share things that I have picked up, or that have been hot topics in the stream and share them with you, not from a clinical or therapeutic point of view but from a parent's point of view. And I pick up inspiration all over the place. Um, you should see the notes app in my phone.
[00:01:39] It is filled with little snippets and notes that I have instructed Siri to take while I am driving or out walking with my animals or when I'm listening to a podcast, it's a little devil wears Prada, and I'm glad that Siri can pick up so much of my randomness and oddly the inspiration for what I want to talk about today came from my Peloton ride the other day. And if you get my weekly. You know that I got a Peloton in December of 2021 because I live in Seattle and there are a lot of days where it is just too ugly for me to get outside and walk for me. Some people do it. I am a pretty fair-weathered outdoors person. And so I needed to find a way to move and to sweat. I won't go into all of the interesting things I have learned since becoming a Peloton owner, but I have come to learn that I have a relatively low distress tolerance for sweating heavily. It's one of those things that I had never really thought about because I typically have done in my lifetime low impact workouts, like Pilates or yoga or bar classes. And if I sweat, it's not dripping off of me, like it is with this bike. And I really don't like that. Although I am changing my mindset on it, I've been working on that, which could be, and I think maybe it should be its own other episode down the road.
[00:03:12] But the other day as I was down there in my garage riding and honestly counting down the minutes until I was going to be done, the instructor said something that made me grab my phone and ask Siri to take a note for me. And what she said was to create a ritual around your discomfort. It really struck me because I immediately thought about how this could be a helpful strategy for you as parents of kids who are dealing with mental health and substance use issues with your kids, because you are in a lot of discomfort, a lot of the time.
[00:03:54] And instead of getting pulled into the discomfort and sweating it out, Could we create a ritual around it that would change the experience and increase our distress tolerance by putting us more in control. And I want to focus for a minute on this feeling of being in control, because it's something that we might not feel much when our kids are off the rails. So first these rituals are chosen by you and they provide structure that you personally. Second, the rituals become meaningful over time because they help you connect with yourself, which has a huge impact on your wellbeing. Even when you lose external control, which we all know what that feels like. We have so little control sometimes over what is going on around us.
[00:04:48] Most of the time, actually, you can still feel calmed and centered by creating it internally. Now you may be asking what is the difference between a ritual and a habit, which is a great question by the way. And the difference is, well, both require repetition and structure rituals are done with intention and purposefully without distraction. So alternatively, when it comes to habits, we tend to engage in habits on an autopilot basis. So things like walking the dog or making a coffee, we do those sometimes to the point where we don't even remember doing them. So they don't always require your full attention. And a lot of the time, they actually are an opportunity for us to zone out and not really think at all.
[00:05:36] So while I finished out the ride, I started thinking about what that could look like. And I came up with a few things that I thought that I would share with you today. One is planning ahead. So planning can avert so many derailments in our days, and it seems too simple.But spending a few minutes each morning to think about the plans that you have put in place can save your day from going completely sideways and making you feel like you don't have any control. So spend a few minutes at some point in the next couple of days, thinking about what are the top two or three things that are causing you physical or emotional discomfort, right? It might be the response in your body. When you smell marijuana in the bathroom, your heart starts to raise and you get agitated and start breathing quickly and very shallow, or it could be more of an emotional pain that you feel. If you're like me, when you see a young homeless person standing at the end of a freeway, ramp your heart, just crumbles.
[00:06:45] Once, you know, those top things that cause you discomfort, think about a small, immediate ritual that you can put into action in that moment. It should be something that calms you down. It feels good and it's healthy and it has some sort of a tactical or sensory element. And what I mean by that is that there is something that you do you touch. You say you feel that interrupts that discomfort and brings you to a different state of mind. It might be a short prayer or a mantra that you whisper. You might light a candle or drink a glass of water or a cup of tea. So try to add this physical element, instead of just saying that you will think differently. The reason that this is important is that when we get triggered or we're in an uncomfortable position, it can almost be impossible to just think our way through it. If that was easy to do and possible, you probably wouldn't be here. Right. You would have thought your way through the situation.
[00:07:58] So how would you put this into action? First you need to be present and aware enough that you can see the oncoming discomfort or trigger this in itself requires some work and you need to recognize two important things. What is happening around you and what is happening in your body? This doesn't have to take a lot of time or be a really deep analysis. Just pause in the moment and notice what is going on. Is it your son asking you for money again? And he is swearing that he's using it to buy books at college and your stomach turns into a huge knot. Or your daughter's texting you, asking you to schedule her Uber. And you're pretty sure that it is not going to be taking her to a healthy place and your chest starts to pound like crazy. Maybe you're just at the grocery store and you smell someone with the same cologne or bodywash as your child. And it sends your heart racing. Or often this is one that I hear. It's your spouse, your ex-spouse, or your partner. Whoever you're co-parenting with and you are on completely different pages about how to deal with this, and you're at it again and you just start crying. You just lose it. So take a few minutes, identify what those situations or people are that caused you the most discomfort and are the most triggering.
[00:09:34] And then since you have already planned it out, when that thing happens or you see it coming, you can enter into your ritual and you can start by congratulating yourself on the awareness that you have in that moment, because that took a lot of work. And then do that thing that makes you feel. This works great and immediate situations like I just mentioned, and it also works in times of ongoing distress and discomfort. The difference is when the discomfort is ongoing, you have to be able to keep some perspective on things so that you can recognize. When you need to initiate that ritual because life can get pretty out of perspective. When you're living with the craziness for an extended amount of time, you might have gotten so used to a warped way of life that you don't even realize that you really, really need that ritual. And rituals for long-term discomfort. will probably need to look a little different than the one that you use in an immediate situation or not, depending on what you come up with. They may look a little bit more like practices that keep you grounded and centered. But the important part is to have them planned in advance and then actually use them.
[00:10:59] What I love about this strategy is that you get to start interrupting the discomfort with something that is predictable, something that you enjoy, and it should be soothing. The ritual cuts off what's going on in the moment and you get to take back control. It doesn't mean that the triggers and the uncomfortable situations aren't going to happen. We know that that is a fantasy, but you are able to change that experience and maneuver around it.
[00:12:31] Now, in case your brain is too overloaded to think about what one of these rituals might be. Trust me I've been there. Here are a couple of things that you could consider as thought starters as sparks that might ignite in you, something that would work for you and you can take them as they are, or you can modify and come up with something that feels right in you. Some of these are going to be good for when you're at home or in a place where you have some flexibility maybe to move around and some are going to be good for times when you might be in public or you might be driving and you don't have so much control. So one is to put your hands over your heart and take three deep breaths with your eyes closed.
[00:13:17] Press your hands into your chest so that you can feel your heart beating and do this until it slows down to a more normal pace. You might want to repeat a mantra or a prayer, maybe something like I can do this. I will be okay. I will be okay. Or if there's a Bible verse or a song that has special meaning to you, you could do.
[00:13:44] Another one when it's possible and safe too, you could step away from the person or the situation, let them know you'll be back. So don't just vanish. Let them know you're taking a time out. You'll be back and have a place set up where you can light a special candle and look out a window. Keep your gaze soft. Stare out the window angrily, keep your gaze soft, focus on something outside, preferably something like a tree or rock. Maybe you can watch the clouds in the sky. It sounds weird. I know, but anchoring your eyes on something outside in nature is extremely grounding and the candle will give you that sensory experience that changes the energy of the space you're in with a really pleasant.
[00:14:34] If you are limited on space or you don't have your hands free, you can make a ritual of soothing your body by rolling your head side to side, breathing deeply all the way into your stomach. And hold it and then blow it out. Like you are blowing out a thousand candles and do that as many times as you need until your breathing comes more evenly and your system evens out.
[00:15:02] And if you have limited space or ability to move away from the situation, you can make a mental list of three things that you're grateful for and try to make them just one word, if you can, and then repeat them in your head. You could add music or a tune to those words. So they become almost a chant or a prayer. And you can just repeat those over and over until your body calms down. If possible, you can get out into nature, go lay in the grass for 10 minutes. Imagine a happy time or happy event. You might want to go out. If you've got a garden, pick some flowers, pick some herbs, smell them, adding that sensory element. And those things are so grounding when you can get outside, get into nature. And it takes very little time, which is also a bonus.
I know a lot of people who like to keep coloring pages handy, you can buy a set of colored pencils or markers that you love, you know, go spend a couple of dollars on a brand new set of really awesome pens or pencils. And then when you see that triggering event coming, or the distresses heating up. Getting out those pens and you're coloring pages with a cup of tea or glass of water, spend a few minutes being creative. When we light up that side of our brain, it completely changes the energy and it completely changes the situation that you're in.
[00:16:36] Of course meditation is always a good thing. You can use an app. If you aren't a meditator, you can use insight timer or calm or Headspace. Those are all apps that you can download to your phone. I recommend having a few saved in a playlist or in a saved folder where you can go straight to them when you need to. So there might be different meditations that you listen to at night or in the morning, but have a few queued up that you can use when you're triggered. And that will just bring your nervous system. When you do this, they'll also try to add a physical element to it. So light a candle, or maybe you've got some essential oils that you can have in a diffuser to add that element. And if you're enduring, long-term chronic distress and anxiety from your son or daughter's substance use, you may need to set multiple alarms during the day. On your phone to remind you to pull up, lift your head up and engage with one of your rituals.
Also side note, just be sure that your alarm on your phone isn't alarming. Find a tone that is gentle or a song that's uplifting to you so that you aren't put into a more agitated state when the alarm goes off. When you start to become more aware of the events and the people who trigger you and who put you into that uncomfortable state, you can even think, okay, I am heading into an opportunity to grow. Let's see what I can do with this. Instead of thinking, oh no, there goes my day. It's happening again. I can't do this anymore. You can reframe the whole experience from that place of control. And not allow it to take control of you.
[00:18:31] This is a bit of a deeper dive into one of the 11 key insights I talk about in episode 100. If you haven't listened, I would highly recommend you queue it up. I've gotten incredible responses about that episode. Because they are all things that threw them first and 99 episodes of the podcast, floated to the top as instrumental things we need to be aware of and work on doing as parents of kids, struggling with substance use with addiction and mental health issues.
I am so very glad that we had this time today. I am constantly inspired by all you do to try and improve things with your family balance, all the things going on in your life, hold down a job, maintain a relationship with your spouse or your partner, caring for parents and dogs and cats and other animals and kids. It is so much. I say it a lot. And I am going to say it again today. If you are listening and you have a child who is involved with substances in an unhealthy way, you are a member of the elite parent squad. You are the seal team, six of parenting. Other people might not know what you go through. The scenarios you find yourself in.
[00:19:53] They do not understand the kinds of decisions that you are having to make. So please do not make yourself small or feel ashamed you of all people should hold your head high and maybe even feel a little bit sorry for parents who don't have a kiddo like yours, because they have not faced what you have gained, the strength and resilience that you have and learned all of the things that you are learning. I get very passionate about that because I work with so many moms in particular who have lost their mojo and hide from their friends because of the stigma that they feel around what is going on with their kids.
[00:20:37] If there's one thing I can do with this podcast and with the stream community, it would be to bring back that confidence. And to have you walk with a little swagger, because you are doing this, you are giving your kids Narcan. You are holding excruciating. You are missing work to drive your kid to get their Vivitrol shot. You are researching treatment programs until your eyes pop out of your head at two o'clock in the morning. So please mom, dad, grandparent, chin up head high, this might suck, but you are not doing it alone anymore, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Okay, well, that was a little bit of an impromptu pep-talk, but I do get very passionate about that. So let me do a quick rewind and we will do a review of what we talked about today, so that you can go out with those action items.
review
First, we can create rituals around our discomfort in our tricks.
Second, when we do that, it gives us a sense of internal control when we have lost external control,
Third, the rituals should be specific and planned in advance so that you can engage them. When you start to recognize a trigger or uncomfortable event coming on
Fourth, create the ritual in a way that it worked to calm your nervous system, knowing that you might need a few so that you can use them no matter where you are or what you're doing.
Fifth, try to add a sensory element to your ritual, to engage as many parts of your brain as possible and
And sixth, for those of you who are the advanced level seal team, six parents, see if you can reframe discomfort and triggers and say, Hey, here is a chance to grow. I see this coming and I have a ritual for that.
Thank you for the work that you are doing. Thank you for being here. I genuinely appreciate it and I will meet you right back here next week.