after 99 episodes here's what I know for sure about parenting kids with substance use and addiction issues, with Brenda Zane
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
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Episode resources:
download the episode PDF here
Episode transcript:
Brenda Zane
00:29
Welcome to hope stream, the podcast for parents of kids who are misusing drugs or alcohol or who are an active addiction in a treatment program or in early recovery. I'm your host, Brenda Zane, fellow parent to a child who struggled with addiction and nearly lost his life to multiple fentanyl overdoses. So I am right there with you. You can learn more about me my story and how I serve parents like you at my website, Brenda zane.com.
01:00
Hello, it is hard to believe that I am saying that intro for the 100th time here on Hopestream. I got a little bit emotional thinking about this episode today, not because it's a nice round number or anything like that. But because of what it marks in my journey, and in the journey that I am walking with you. I birthed the first episode of this podcast on January 8 2020. Of course, I had absolutely no idea that our world would effectively be shutting down 60 days later.
01:39
And at that time, all I knew was that I needed to have a larger megaphone and louder voice than I'd previously had around this topic of parents trying to figure out how in the world they were supposed to survive the experience of having a child misusing drugs or alcohol, which is more often than not combined with mental health challenges. I knew the one-on-one coaching work that I was doing at that time was making a difference in the people's lives that I was working with. But it felt a little bit stifled and way too slow when I thought about reaching all of you who are up against this battle.
02:20
So I launched the podcast in January 2020. I will be forever grateful for my first guests in those early days because they really took a risk on me. But they showed up. And I believe that's because we all have the same passion and desire to see young people get healthier. Because if our young people can be healthier, our whole world gets healthier. I often think about the 10s of 1000s of adolescents and young adults who have left the earth as a result of overdose, or fentanyl poisoning. And I wonder what we're going to miss out on because of their absence?
03:04
What Nobel Peace Prize isn't going to be awarded, what invention isn't going to be invented? What future president did we lose, because she or he got the Xanax with too much fentanyl in it. So that's the higher purpose of why I do this podcast. It's why I am up at 11 o'clock on a Wednesday night finishing the show notes or finding the right music because I want to make this a safe place where you can come and rest, learn. Exhale, curl up and cry if you need to, and know that you are not doing it by yourself anymore.
03:48
And if by bringing you some information, and some hope and strength, it allows you to help your son or daughter move into a positive direction, then it is all worth it to me. Or if you share an episode with a friend or somebody who's got a child who is struggling. And they use some of what they hear and absorb. And it helps their child than the vision this vision that I had a couple of years ago really is coming to fruition. And that makes me incredibly happy. Because what that means to me is a future four-star Michelin chef has a chance to emerge from behind a video game and a ball. Or you can take that family vacation again all together and actually enjoy it. And in the end. Our communities and our cities and the world are the winners in that whole scenario.
04:48
So I was thinking about what I could do for this episode. And after thinking about lots of really fun, amazing ideas and realizing that I had time to do exactly none of them, I decided that I would share the top insights that I have gleaned from doing 99 episodes. And talking to, I don't even know how many guests in the past two years, what I'll share are things that have risen to the top, over and over from guests, from parents, from people in recovery. There are concepts that are easy to understand, but incredibly profound. And please know, these are not the answers on how to get your child to stop doing unhealthy things. Because if I had that I would be a billionaire. And this is not that. It's simply a compilation of, I would call them little lightbulbs that have gone off in my head through doing this work.
05:52
So let's dive into them. Don't worry about writing them down, because there is a PDF for you that you can download at Brendazane.com/100. So just relax, get comfy, or head out on your walk. And listen to the top 11 insights that I have gleaned from hosting these past 99 episodes of Hopestream.
06:16
The first is don't try to control outcomes. I have learned trying to control outcomes, whether it's about your life, or about someone else's, is a futile effort. It's damaging to our kids. And it's honestly pretty short-sighted and arrogant. I have learned that by focusing on outcomes, we often miss the here and now what is going on in the present. And with our kids in particular, we miss out on what makes them incredibly special and unique humans. It's also just plain exhausting. So if you make no other change in working through some of the struggles that you're having right now, take a look at where you can let go of what you want to be what you always thought would be or how your family always does it. And get really curious about the moment you're in right now and that your son or daughter is in right now.
07:19
I can't tell you how many therapists and professionals have said that what are kids want most is to be heard and seen for exactly who they are, to not have to live up to an expectation or an outcome that we have placed on them. Whether that's real, or something that they have picked up subliminally. A couple of great resources to hear more about this are episodes two and 72. With Derek Bowles, he's the co-founder of Crossroads Academy, and he works with adolescent and young adult guys. So be sure to download those episodes to and 72 He has a great way of talking about this idea of letting go of outcomes and expectations.
08:02
Number two, be very humble about your own self. This one I hesitate to put in because I know a lot of you are moms. And as women, we often do not have an issue around being humble. As a matter of fact, we tend to err on the side of being too humble, not acknowledging our assets and our successes, downplaying our abilities. I'll skip a whole tangent there that I'm tempted to go unrelated to why that is. But that would get me off topic. So that is not the type of humble that I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is having the humility as a parent to say, I don't know the answer, being able to say, I was really out of line with how I just responded, can I get a do over on that. Or saying, I may be contributing to my son or daughter's issues. And I am willing to work on that.
09:01
I've learned that sometimes our desire as parents to appear to always be in control, to feel like we always have to have the answer to never appear uncertain or to be wrong in front of our kids is actually not helping them. When we put up the facade that we have got this figured out and our kids are the ones who are broken and need to be fixed. We can create feelings of anxiety and shame in them feeling like they'll never live up to us that their failures and kind of this idea of why would I even try if there's a chance that I'm going to fail and let my parents down. They might think if I just don't even try. Or if I fail before I get to the point of succeeding. It'll be a lot less painful. This is so important. And if you're looking for a great resource to learn more on this, please check out Dr. Brad Reedy's book The Audacity To Be You.
10:02
Insight number three, be comfortable being uncomfortable. If I could give one gift to people of any age, it would be this. The ability to sit in the uncomfortableness of life and be okay with it, to let them know the incredible power and freedom in the idea of temporary. This feels to me like it's at the root of a lot of our problems as adults, and also our kids problems. We're on this endless mission to avoid pain and discomfort. Our entire world is wired for maximizing pleasure. There's a solution to make everything more fun, exciting, instant, gratifying. We want to do less waiting, things need to be less boring, less stressful. And all of this means that we are spending less time being uncomfortable.
11:00
Why is that a problem? Because life is always going to have pain and disappointment. And we're going to have to wait and be patient and feel like we want to get out of the feeling that we're in. So if we don't know how to do that, we will find ways and sometimes they are unhealthy to try and change our circumstances. One of the skills I've learned about is related to this idea of radical acceptance. It's a DBT, or dialectical behavior therapy skill, which is based on this notion that suffering comes not directly from pain. But from your attachment to that pain. It can be defined as the ability to accept situations that are outside of your control without judging them, which in turn reduces the suffering that is caused by them. radical acceptance is where you stop fighting reality. You stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors, when things don't go the way you want them to go. And you let go of feelings like bitterness that might be keeping us trapped in this cycle of suffering. It doesn't mean that you don't feel those emotions. It's having the awareness in the intention that you don't allow those painful feelings to turn into suffering. It's a little bit meta, so you might want to study it a little bit. But if you can watch your thoughts and feelings, instead of getting sucked into them, you're going to be way more able to be comfortable in the discomfort. So this idea requires you to embrace reality, rather than reject it. This means you can break the cycles of guilt and shame and anger, you know, all those ones that you might be feeling when your son or daughter is really struggling with mental health issues with substance use.
12:57
So the thing about radical acceptance is, it's just that it is acceptance, not approval, sometimes people will think if they get to a place of acceptance, it means that they approve of what their child is doing. And that is definitely not the case. It simply means that you're not actively denying what's going on. You're not looking the other way. You're not rationalizing behaviors, or defending your son or daughter's actions when in your gut. You know, there's really a problem that needs attention. In the PDF that goes along with this episode, I'm including a link to a short 10 minute podcast episode from very well mind that goes into this concept of radical acceptance. So you can check that out if you want to learn more. Insight number four, take advantage of a response gap. When our kids are doing crazy and unhealthy things, when there oppositional, defiant, rude, all the things you're dealing with. It's common that we jump into responding to events and conversations. When you find that bag of streets Xanax that's taped under the bathroom sink, or the mushroom farm that's growing in the back of their closet, there's a temptation to immediately confront the situation.
14:18
What I have learned is the expiration date on your response to these things is much longer than you would imagine. I am not saying that. You don't need to respond and deal with them. I'm just saying. It doesn't have to be instantly. The reason is, an immediate response is unlikely going to be the best response unless it's a matter of safety. When you think about the circumstances, it's likely that your son or daughter is going to be under the influence of a substance and you're likely to be frazzled and freaked out, potentially exhausted. It might also be too am or you might also be under the influence if you've been unwinding with a glass of wine or beer after a long day at work. And if that's the case, it is absolutely the last time that you should be reacting to a crisis, or one of these difficult events.
15:15
So whether you take a 15 minute break and breathe and pause before you respond to your daughter, who just told you for the first time she's dating a girl, or you take two days to touch base with your therapist and Pastor when your son admits that he's been stealing phones to buy Percocet, do what you need to proceed with intention, and in a controlled and thoughtful way. Also know that you are not going to be successful in doing this all the time. And that's okay. Use those kind of less than ideal responses, to model humility and ask for a redo. I talk more about this idea of the response gap and how to respond in a moment of a crisis in episode number 47. So if you want to know more about how to use that response gap in your favor, definitely take a listen to that show. Number 47.
16:16
Insight number five, don't make others responsible for your feelings. Now, we are getting into deep and difficult territory, my friends, work that definitely fits into the uncomfortable category, and require some enlightened thinking on your part. This concept is one that can radically change your personal relationships, not only with your son or daughter who might be struggling, but in all of your relationships. When we rely on others for our feelings, it places a huge burden on them, which is really our own work. So what's an example of this? If I say I can only be as happy as my unhappiest kid that makes my happiness, my serenity, the job of my child. And that really is pretty unfair. And it's a really heavy load to place on their shoulders, especially if they're struggling with mental health and substance use issues.
17:21
If I'm in a bad mood, because my husband isn't living up to my expectations, and I can't get happy until he changes, I am handing him my happiness needs and putting that work on him. Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychologist said, the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents. And I believe this is absolutely true. If you hear yourself saying things like, don't you see what you're doing to me? Don't you see what you're doing to our family? Or you're literally killing me? Or sentiments like, I wish it would get sober so I can go on and live my life, you are making your child responsible for your happiness. So how do we not do this? It's hard, it's hard. But take back the responsibility for how you feel. Only you get to decide every day, how you will show up for the people in your life, you get to decide whether you'll put a smile on your face and share that with others. Or if you're going to be short and snarky with the people that you interact with each day.
18:33
You are in control of whether you pursue your hobbies, keep your passions alive. And you can remove that burden from your son or daughter or your partner or even your own parents. Make it your goal to take that back from whoever you might have handed it to, especially if it's your child. You can even acknowledge to them that you've mistakenly put stuff on them that you shouldn't have. That goes back to that point about humility about your own self and letting them see your flaws. It is incredibly powerful work to do. And it's incredibly important.
19:11
Insight number six, struggle is good. Resist the urge to fix. If there's one thing in common with most of the parents I work with it is the tendency to fix and solve things for our kids instead of letting them struggle and feel discomfort. I am 1,000% guilty of this. It was something I did with my oldest son the most and in hindsight, I can't believe the extent to which I did it. The thing is because we often do have the ability, whether that is financial or with our own personal resources. Our connections are just with our own abilities. We avert discomfort from our kids lives, so that the path is smooth, and they can experience all the good and little bad as possible.
20:02
When we do this though, we robbed them of life experiences that they can draw from in the future when life throws them trouble, and they're no longer around us to be the benefactors of our rescuing. I like to think about this as our kids starting out in life with an empty backpack. And as they grow, and they learn how to solve problems, they proudly place those experiences and lessons in their backpack for use later in life. By the time their teens and young adults, if they have a nice full backpack, they are super prepared for what life's gonna throw at them. If we have rescued and fixed all along their childhood, though, we have created a meager backpack for them. They'll be in a situation where they need to reach in and pull out some confidence, some street smarts, some badass hurry, and it won't be there. Because we have robbed them of that.
20:59
I know this is a really difficult one. And if you're hearing this, and you're starting to beat yourself up, because you've been a first responder for your son or daughter, don't we all do it to varying degrees. But we are all guilty at some level. How do you break the cycle? First, recognize it in yourself, just recognize it and then let your kid or kids know that you recognize it, and that you're going to be working on it. I apologized to my son when I figured this out about myself. And he was in the midst of his crazy years. And I had been doing everything I could to shield him from the natural consequences of his choices. I had to tell him that I was sorry that I had been treating him like a six year old, making excuses for him, allowing his negative behavior, not setting boundaries, all the things I should have been doing. So I apologized for my lack of insight, and I let him know I was going to be changing and how I was planning to change. Of course, he wasn't thrilled to hear that I wasn't going to excuse his school absences anymore.
22:10
Or later on that his dad and I wouldn't be bailing him out of jail, or hiring him lawyers. But it was necessary. And that empowered him to start feeling the impact of his lifestyle and His substance use. Years later, when I had corrected my behavior. He called me one day and said with so much pride, Mom, I feel like such a boss. I just paid off my lawyer and I don't have any more legal issues. And wow, I am so glad that I didn't steal that opportunity for him. If you are looking for more on this topic, check out episode 41. With Julie Jarvis, she explains all about setting boundaries and then allowing the natural consequences to play out.
23:00
Insight number seven, trust your gut. This one comes with a big caveat. But first, let me talk about why it is so important and why trusting your gut is on the list. I cannot tell you how many times I've talked with parents, mostly moms, who say something like If only I had trusted my gut. Or I knew I just knew despite what people were telling me. And what breaks my heart is that they didn't have the confidence or bravery to listen to that gut instinct and act on it. That in turn causes guilt and self-destructive thinking. And none of us needs any more of that. You as a parent, know your child better than anyone. You have been with this human, for the most part, since they were just a passionate moment between you and someone else. Or you may have adopted this little person and formed a bond with them like no other you have ever known.
24:06
So when something is off, you know it when the look in their eyes is different, or the kid that you knew is now a shell of themselves. You feel it instinctively. And here is where it gets tricky and where the caveat comes in. If you're not in a healthy frame of mind, you're going to be less in tune with your gut and you will be less likely to trust it. It's why you must, must be taking stellar care of yourself because you don't want to miss that nudge of your gut. Part two of this caveat is there are going to be times when you'll engage a professional to help with what you're going through and through their therapeutic or clinical lens. They may say things that you cannot see. You might not be a trained psychologist are a trauma expert, you might not have 20 years of experience treating ADD. So in those cases, please listen with an open mind. Ask all the hard questions, do a ton of research and get several opinions and make sure the person giving you this insight has met your child.
25:26
This is the case where your gut just might not have the information or the evidence that it needs to speak to you. But if your parent radar is picking up signals about your son or daughter, don't push those signals to the back burner thinking that you are overreacting. That's the time to start having real honest conversations with your child with the person you're co-parenting with, because there is a really good chance that it could save their life.
25:54
Insight number eight, be a radically safe place for your child. This insight I picked up just recently, from my new friend and fellow podcaster. And so much more. Dr. Brad Reedy. We were talking for a future episode of Hopestream. And he mentioned this concept about how his therapist is a radically safe place for him to be a human being. When he said that I immediately thought of how important it would be for us as parents to be this exact thing for our kids. I envision those signs that you see in the windows of fire stations or stores that show that there are a safe place for those in LGBTQ plus communities should they need it? And I thought, what if we had an equivalent sign in our kitchens or our backyards, or on our foreheads that said, I am a safe place for you to land, to talk, to disclose to question what our kids feel like they could open up and share what's happening in their world without fear of what we might say or do. Maybe it would give them an option to the Xanax are going to take just so that they can numb everything out.
27:12
It's a big ask of parents, I know, our emotional attachment to our kids is really both a natural barrier to this idea. But it's also a natural enabler. So we have to decide if we can be this radically safe space for our kids? And if so, can we do it right now? And if not, what do we need to do to get there? An example might be if you have your own trauma and triggers around substance use, maybe you grew up in a home with a parent who was addicted to alcohol, it could be very difficult for you to sit down and listen to your 17 year old tell you about how drinking shots of fireball get him through his anxiety at a party. Or if you're so burned out from work and your other relationships. Maybe you're a caretaker for a parent with dementia. And you're also having health issues or a common scenario, if you're a mom, is that you yourself are experiencing the joys of menopause. Those aren't always ripe conditions for being a calm, curious and radically safe place for your child.
28:24
So getting yourself to a place where you can truly hear what your son or daughter wants and needs to tell you is some of the hardest work you can do. And if you're not there yet, that's okay. Find them somebody who can be that for them. That might be a therapist, it might be a coach, or a mentor. Or it may be that they're in a place now where they really need to be out of the home getting specialized treatment, whatever it is, be real enough and generous enough to give them the gift of a person or people or yourself to be able to sit down with them through the good and the bad and be that radically safe place.
29:10
Insight number nine, action creates mood. I almost didn't include this one, because I wasn't sure if it was enough of an insight that would resonate. But given where we are in the world today with COVID. And all that we have been through in the last few years, I decided it was actually very important and very relevant. When you have a child struggling with mental health and substance misuse, it is very easy to get paralyzed. I see this with moms I work with and not only is it damaging to them, it's also damaging to the rest of the people in the family when mom or dad is paralyzed.
29:52
And what I mean by that is you are not doing the things that you love to do. You're not enjoying time doing things that light you up You're not taking care of your body in your mind or nurturing your spiritual self. When life becomes about solving and fixing your child, only everyone in the family will, at some point or another come to a full stop in their tracks. So this idea that action creates mood is important because you're going to have to just do it. Before you're going to feel like doing it, there's a good chance that you are not going to wake up one morning and say, Wow, Today feels like a great day to start walking and eating more cauliflower, you're probably not going to be on your way home from the grocery store and feel empowered to start holding boundaries with your son around his pot-smoking, it just usually doesn't happen that way.
30:49
So the trick to ignite energy around the things you want to do, is to not wait for the mood or the feeling, do the thing, even when you don't really want to, and then you wait for the emotion to trickle in after the fact, it is definitely counterintuitive. So you're gonna have to trust me on this one. But it's something I have tested in the last two years. And I can actually attest to the truth in this. If you're waiting for the desire or inspiration to get back to exercising, or if you keep waking up and it is still not feeling like the data call therapist. Do it in spite of yourself. Then with enough repetition and stamina, you are going to feel the feeling or the inspiration that you've been so patiently hoping would arrive.
31:41
Well. We are down to the last two key insights from 99 episodes. And I saved this for last because I've come to believe that these are the two foundations of it all. The first foundation is self-care.
31:59
Okay, you knew I wouldn't make a list like this and not talk about self-care. For you longtime listeners, you probably thought I had had a brain hemorrhage because I haven't mentioned it yet. It's literally the base on which all of this work stands. Only a healthy parent is going to have the determination, strength and grit to do all of these things. And you are the only one who can give your child a healthy parent. I know you've heard all the sayings about oxygen masks and empty cups. So I won't repeat those here. You can listen to episode 71 about practicing radical, unapologetic self-care to broaden your knowledge on this. And for some really practical ideas. What I will tell you is I watch you change when you accept that you matter in this entire equation. I watch members in the stream community go from weary shell shocked and anxious to calm, present, and confident.
34:19
I hear how your kids are noticing that mom is different, or dad is different. She or he is way more fun to be around. My mom doesn't yell and scream anymore, or at least as often. And I see her being really good to herself. These are what your kids are noticing. I see those of you who attend the partnership Tuesday night parents support call, you become less frazzled, more patient more empathetic and stronger. I see your faces literally change from being tight and constricted to rested and even smiling So I know without a doubt, that if you will take care of yourself, love yourself as you love your child, give yourself a break, when you don't get it right and physically put your needs first, you will, will, will positively impact your child. Again, if you haven't listened to Episode 71, it's really fun. It's much lighter than most hope stream episodes, it's all about ways to take care of yourself. And you can also hear some fun facts about me personally, I dropped a lot of personal info in that episode.
35:35
And the second foundation and the final insight from these 99 episodes I've done is communication. Communication. I have learned this is the key tool for uncovering the problems. You often hear how there is no silver bullet to this job of parenting kids who are struggling with substance use and addiction and mental health, helping them to be healthier and to make better choices. But I am going to give communication the bronze bullet. Because if you can nail this one, you have the best shot at uncovering why your child might be using substances and what they most want and need.
36:21
Now, I can see your eyes rolling up. And you're wishing that I had said there's a lotion, a potion, a patch, a pill that you could apply for this. But honestly, after doing 99 episodes, and talking with hundreds of super smart people with lots of letters after their names who have studied this for decades, and worked with 1000s and 1000s of families and young people, I can tell you open honest and healthy communication is as close as you are going to get to a silver bullet. And it's not easy. One reason why this is the bronze bullet, is if you have good open communication, it's likely that you have at least a B plus level of success with many of the first insights that I shared.
37:15
It means you've probably humbled your own self to the point where you can actually listen to your son or daughter. You've at least temporarily let go of whatever outcome you want to see. And you're open to hearing and exploring your daughter or son's point of view. You're comfortable being uncomfortable, because conversations can get really uncomfortable if they're honest. You're using the response gap to be thoughtful about how you proceed in a discussion or how you respond to an event. You're taking responsibility for your own feelings, and you're not expecting your son or daughter to take care of you.
37:57
You're being that radically safe space for your child to express their fears, their hopes and their failures, their dreams and their needs. You're having the conversation, even when everything inside you wants to delay or avoid it. And you're doing enough self care that you can slow down and be present with your child and be an active listener.
38:25
I know that's a lot. Again, if you go to Brendazane.com/100, you will find a PDF that you can download with all of these insights, as well as links to the various resources and episodes that I've mentioned. And the last thing I'll say in wrapping up is that all of this is really just one thing. It's mindfulness, its presence. And noticing, being aware of your thoughts and your emotions and realizing that your way of being as a parent does and will have a significant impact on your child, you have a remarkable amount of influence. And if you're willing to consider these things and work on them, knowing that you're never going to get it all right or perfect, things will change. They may not change in the way you expect them to or on the timeline that you would prefer. But they will change.
39:28
Most of all, I want to say thank you. The feedback I get from this passionate community is what keeps me going. And the fact that you keep showing up, listening and learning is what will in the end make our families or communities cities and countries and the entire world a better place. You are an amazing mom and amazing dad or caregiver to the beautiful human that you're here for you You see their light and their talent. You know, they are a kind, loving and messy, beautiful human being just like you just like me. And your love for this person is what will be the game changer for you both. Thank you so much for allowing me on this journey with you. I appreciate you listening. I see you and I know how strong and tired you probably are. So don't forget to grab the PDF that goes with this episode. Brendazane.com/100 and I will meet you right back here next week.